HereComesTheSun

Where to begin... At the moment I am reading "Always Looking Up: The Adventures of an Incurable Optimist" by Michael J. Fox. So far, I am really enjoying it. The optimism he has through his situation and how he handles living with Parkinson's disease really helps me to put this all into perspective. I also recommend Tuesdays with Morrie by Mitch Albom and The Last Lecture by Randy Pauch if you haven't read 'em yet. I have been thinking of their inspiring stories quite often lately. Anything by Eckhart Tolle is good too (The Power of Now and A New Earth are ones I've read. I've heard Stillness Speaks is another good one to have on hand.) Also, as Brenda and I were discussing earlier, Louise Hay's book is also a good resource. It's been a huge help. I'm also a huge fan of Tony Robbins... I could go on forever, but that's a start. :) hope it helps! Love, HoG xoxo

Hey Brenda, Thank you for the support. I think I'm just about ready to say "enough is enough" and to start working on putting myself back together. Sometimes... I wonder how I allowed myself to be SO affected by something so minor. The more I think about it, the more I realise how little it actually has to do with the herpes itself. Every insecurity that I've ever had, that I've tried to just cover up or find quick fixes for are suddenly screaming at me. Maybe this really will be an 'opportunity', after all, to TRULY love and accept myself from the INSIDE out, rather than the outside in? To find what really makes me tick. To not constantly be seeking approval from everyone else, as I've been doing all of this time. Maybe this doesn't have to be so depressing after all? I'll let you know if I need an accountability buddy. :) Love (a fellow Canadian!) HoG

Hey Brenda, Thank you for your message and advice, it really means a lot to me. The funny thing is, is that I knew as soon as this happened that in order to move forward, I had to forgive him (and myself) first. Tony Robbins quotes were running through my head ("when you're stuck in blame or shame, you can't make any progress" etc.) Ironically, just before my diagnosis I was reading "You Can Heal Your Life" by Louise Hay (incredible woman) and one of the things she talks about is how non forgiveness can manifest as dis-ease in the body. So I sent him a message, telling him I forgive him for not being what I want him to be and I set him free. He was grateful, and wanted to continue talking to me "in a loving way." But the more I talked to him, the more I just wanted to make him feel miserable that this happened... and suddenly I was back to feeling angry and resentful. Louise Hay also says that the person you need to forgive the most is also the person you need to let go of the most. So that's where I am now, working towards letting go. I hope I do get to a point sometime in the near future where I realise that I am worth doing those things for ( running, eating well, finding strength, etc.) and not just to MAKE myself feel worthy of being with someone ... if that makes sense. Thanks again for your message. You are inspiring. :) Love.

Vipassana? I'm also signed up for one of these before I go back home. Have heard a lot of good things. Enjoy it! Love, HoG

Obladi: Thank you so much for your post. You get it. And you really know the way to my heart - through song. "Ob-la-di, ob-la-da" has been playing on repeat since I read your message. :] I don't want to be down in the dumps. I don't want to feel sorry for myself, to feel like a victim, to be a person who suddenly needs to be counselled. I don't want the added burden of telling someone I have herpes when dating is already hard enough as it is. I just don't want any of it. I want to know how I'd feel and where I'd be and how I'd see that beautiful sunset and talk to that cute guy and what I'd be daydreaming about right now if none of this ever happened. I want to live my best life, to love every part of my life. And suddenly, I don't know how. I don't want to be throwing a temper tantrum over something I know I can't change, especially over a common fucking skin condition that doesn't need to be thought of as anything more than an occasional nuisance. But I AM throwing a temper tantrum because this DID happen and this IS the reality and I'll never know what MAY have happened otherwise. So I guess the next step in putting myself back together is to ask "what now?" instead of the torturous "what if's" that have been haunting me since this happened. Adrial: Thank you for reminding me that it is okay to feel my feelings, however dark and heavy they may be, without trying to think my way out of them. You are right when you say that the low times are just as important as the high times, as they can show us new strengths we never knew we had. I think what makes this particular situation so difficult is that my typical coping mechanisms don't quite work this time around. I can't laugh it up as a stupid one time thing I did that's now over and done. It's not a funny story I can tell all my friends, or even a beautiful story about falling in love and getting my heart broken. I can't find comfort in the fact that "a year from now, this problem will mean almost nothing" because a year from now, I'll still have herpes, and the problem will still mean something. Can't deny it, and can't just forget about it or pretend it never happened and move on. While I know I will eventually be able to forgive myself and the person who gave it to me, and that will help, the fact is that it ain't goin' anywhere. It's a lot to process. All this time I have been thinking that I already knew it all, so what could I possibly have left to learn by getting herpes that I wasn't going to learn otherwise? I'm going to try to be open to finding a deeper meaning here. Maybe it's deeper compassion, humility, empathy. Maybe I needed something to show me that I'm not perfect or invincible, and that I too, am prone to deep sadness and heartbreak. Maybe this will prevent me from getting mixed up with the wrong men in the future, because maybe this would have happened eventually anyway, at a time when I would have been less equipped to deal with it. Or maybe this will teach me to better communicate my needs in intimate relationships. Maybe someday I will see the lesson clearly and will find the peace and clarity that you inspiring individuals seem to have found. But for now, it really just sucks. Shannon: Thank you for your kind message. I am still overseas and am considering counselling for when I do go back. Look forward to talking more with all of you. Love.

I can also fully relate to every feeling you mention here. I am also a 24 year old girl, newly diagnose a hopeless romantic who got the shitty end of the herpes stick. I posted my story in another thread before reading yours and was amazed at how similar the situations are we are in.

I have been feeling very fearful in the way I have been thinking and in the ways in which my behaviours have changed since being diagnosed with this about 2 months ago. I just turned 24. Before this happened, I was free, happy and really starting to become comfortable with and love myself. I finally felt ready to be with someone. My life felt magical and nearly perfect, I felt like I was on the right path (constantly reading about how to improve my health, become more spiritual, and how to contribute and be a positive influence in the lives of others). I had big dreams of how I would make the world a better place. I was so happy and so excited about everything in life. I was completely zen and smiled all of the time for no reason. I was grateful for everything and everyone that led me to where I was. I just graduated university. I followed a very compassionate, clean, healthy plant based diet and felt like I was truly becoming the change I wished to see in the world. I didn't consume any addictive substances (sugar, caffeine, wheat, dairy, alcohol, etc). I ran a marathon. I travelled to the other side of the world on a work holiday visa. I was improving and growing in so many ways... And I could really see that the people around me were benefitting from my positivity and strength. I am not saying any of this to brag, but just because it really feels like part of my story. While travelling I met a person who told me he loved me the week after we met, and without even really stopping to analyse and think logically about it I told him I loved him too, even though deep down, I knew it wasn't right. But he said he loved me and at the time I couldn't see the harm. No man has ever said it to me before. Him and I never exactly agreed to be exclusive, and he was much older than me so I didn't really know how to communicate that with him without scaring him off. I assumed that because I was open and honest about everything, that he would be too. Long story short, in between times with me, he slept with another girl and being the naeve girl I was, I never even suspected that. He says she's the one who gave him herpes, which was passed on to me, but I think he knew he had it all along. To make it all worse, he just took off back to his home on the other side of the world after my diagnosis (while I was still sick with the flu symptoms no less) leaving me an open-wound here with a broken heart, far away from my home, family and friends, with so many unanswered questions and "what ifs?". I was such a fool for thinking that when he said he loved me, he meant he wanted to be with me when that wasn't the case at all. I am mortified. The outbreaks were pretty bad at first, and although they've quieted down for the time being, I just can't seem to shake this feeling of complete and total sadness and regret. I feel as though the hopeful, joyous person I was becoming before this happened has died. I was a strong believer that everything happens for a reason, but I guess this time I am having a lot of trouble seeing the silver lining, and I've sort of let go of that empowering belief... which makes me even more angry and sad, that a good person with a healthy world outlook that had so much to offer is now essentially dead because of his mistake, his irresponsibility, his lack of integrity. I've started eating poorly and have lost interest in things I use to love. I no longer feel sexual at all. I feel I am no longer in control, which is a scary feeling because I had so much control and was previously very selective with my partners (I can count on one hand the number of people I have been with) before this happened and just let my guard down the one time because I wanted to believe the love was real so badly. I have been gaining weight and no longer feel at all desirable. Flirting is out of the question. Songs with sexy or romantic lyrics now just make me feel sad and sick and act as a reminder of the piece of me that is now gone. I can no longer daydream about having flings or romances. And while I am smart enough to know that I shouldn't let a stupid stigma dictate how I feel about a harmless virus that for the most part can be a non issue in my day-to-day life if I choose to let it be that, I still can't seem to shake this overwhelming feeling of sadness, embarrassment, anger, fear, worry, disgust, etc. the burden of it all just seems so unfair. I read stories about people who have been living with these feelings of intense resistance for so many years, and I just can't imagine going on like that, being unable to accept myself or what has happened. It just isn't fair to the people I love to be around someone so sad and negative. Telling my story does offer some relief... but at the end of the day, no matter how much relief I feel, I still have herpes. No matter how much and for how long the symptoms quiet down, I still have herpes. No matter how healthy I become in mind and body, I still have a condition that is irreversible. Doesn't matter that I've never been promiscuous, or that I got it because I just wanted to love and be loved by someone. The reality is that I have it, and that should I choose to open my heart enough to love someone again, there is a chance that I might tarnish that person's heart, soul, and body even if they choose to be with me regardless of the infection. That being said, I also don't want to limit myself to dating only others who share with me the commonality of a virus. So I've been finding it kind of difficult to be positive with these things always playing in the back of my mind. Love is so, so important to me... finding it is really the only thing I've ever looked forward to in life. I feel like everything I've ever done in my life has been in preparation of finding that special someone to love. And now that everything has been for nothing. I guess I am wondering if anyone has gotten through to the other side of this, I mean REALLY gotten through and found everlasting peace? If so, can you offer any perspectives on how to move forward from here? Is that even possible?