Lilly82

Lol @PhillyChick I love you! I do need to calm the eff down, esp since we havent even said what we are yet, or what our expectations are yet. I suppose there is no harm in telling him what my expectations are and if he cant meet it than ya, I'll try the next. Part of me is holding onto him because he was so great with my disclosure. I'll let you know what happens, thanks again! 🙂

Hey everyone, I just wanted to give a quick update and see if I can get some advice. My disclosure did go well (as I mentioned above), and we did sleep together but I'm now panicking. We have gone out on about 10 dates so far, established that we are both looking for a relationship. Each date he has been such a gentleman and didn’t feel like he was just looking for sex. This past Tuesday we had such a great time at a winter carnival, and ended up sleeping together (don't worry we used protection lol). Anyways, we thought it would be a good idea to have a sleep over that Friday and get up and have brunch together on Saturday. I hadn’t heard from him since that Tuesday night, so on Thursday I messaged him asking how things were. It took him all day to respond, he said he wasn’t feeling well etc. (He had mentioned that he was sick before our winter carnival date, so I knew he was a bit under the weather). The next day I asked him if I did something to upset him because he didn't text for two days and took all day to respond to me. He replied and said ‘hi no not at all, I’m jsut not well at all. This has turned into a flu so I’ve been trying to sleep but still getting dragged into work things. Been a rough week :(‘. I told him I didnt realize it was so bad and said why dont we skip tongiht and touch base when he feels better. He said ‘Hate that I made you feel bad. Not my intention for sure. Please don’t feel bad :(.’. I told him no worries, and hopes he feels better. The next day I asked him how he was feeling and suggested we grab coffee on Sunday if he was feeling up for it. He said ‘Sounds like a good idea. See how I feel tomorrow with an extra day of rest’. By noon on Sunday I hadn't heard from him so I followed up to see how he was and if he wanted to grab a bite. He text back saying ‘Not doing well yet. I feel like I probably should have taken a few days off during the week, just wasn’t possible last week My son is here tonight at around 5 as I’m covering for some travel as well. Going to have to get creative with dinner lol’. I sent him a nice message back saying hope he feels better, and to let me know if there's anything I can do. He didn’t respond to that last text (which I sent Sunday afternoon) and I’m starting to panic. He’s been such a great guy, but his communication sucks, and his texts have been few and far between. I don’t know if I’m just overthinking things, and my unresolved issues of abandonment are just surfacing….or if I’m just not seeing clearly, that he’s not treating me right. When we did start talking through the dating app, he wasn't the best responder, and was slow....and has kind of been that way since we have been dating. I suppose maybe things have changed in my mind since we have had sex. Am I going crazy, or does this sound normal if he really is that sick? To me, if you care about someone and if you’re sick, you still would communicate? I'm beating myself up a bit over thinking things, worrying that I came off as too needy, and that I have ruined things. Everyone says to just give him space, and see if he comes back to me. I'm such a natural worrier and anxious person that I just want reassurance. Any thoughts? And I know this is a bit off the herpes topic, but maybe someone can offer some good advice 🙂 Thanks for reading!!! xo

Thanks @PhillyChick ! So I have some good news!! I saw him last night, and felt that it was time to tell him. We were starting to get physical and so I said to him 'is it ok if I talk to you about something for a second?' It did take me a bit to get it out, and I did get somewhat emotional, but not like I used to. He did wipe my tears away and kiss me as I was telling him. He told me I didn't need to be upset, that it was ok, that we can use protection etc. I told him the worse thing about it is just the stigma, and that it really is just a skin condition. He didn't ask too many questions and we didn't get that into it much, because I don't think it was a big deal to him really. He went on to tell him that its tough for him to be dating with a child (he's a single father). So goes to show you we all have our things! I text him later and said thanks for listening and it was easy to open up to him. He replied with 'I'm glad you felt comfortable to tell me and I know how hard that must have been. I really like the way we are together and I'm happy to have met you :)'. He really is such a sweet guy, and he seems to be ok with it. Only time will tell, but so far so good 🙂

@PhillyChick thanks so much! Glad to know that happens! I'm hoping I will luck out that he has it too. I don't think I could ever not tell someone. I get to the point where I"m so frustrated that I don't want to, but that wouldnt be fair to anyone. That's how I got it in the first place. My disclosure hasn't gone the smoothest. I have trouble getting the words out, I can't look them in the eye, I cry, probably look super shameful. Do you think it's ok to be confident while telling them and still get emotional about it?

I am just curious if anyone has ever disclosed to someone they were dating, only to find out that they have it as well? I have been dating this guy for a month now. We have gone on about 7 dates now...it seems to be moving quite slow (in a good way). Hes such a gentleman. He hasn't pushed for anything. It took him three dates to kiss me, hold my hand etc. I really want to see where things can go with this guy. I haven't had any real success telling anyone about my STD yet. I think it's mostly because of how I disclose. I get scared, cry... I am really practicing telling him in a less scary, confident way. In the end it's just a skin condition, albeit one that I dont want of course. I am seeing him on the weekend to cook dinner together, and it will be the first time we have spent time at one anothers place. This only leads me to think I'm most likely going to have to have 'the talk' with him. The last few days I've had crippling anxiety at the thought of telling him, and the possibility of him not accepting it.. I'd be crushed. I have also played with the thought of not disclosing. I know, its terrible. But with rejection after rejection I dont know how many more I can take. I know this is an awful though, and in the end, I don't think I could even ever not say anything, that's not who I am. Anyways, if anyone has any tips for a successful disclosure, or a good story where the other person has it too?? 🙂

You guys are amazing, thank you soo sooo much for all of your kind words and suggestions, I will definitely take all of that into consideration. I know I just need to be confident within myself, because I DO know it's not that big of a deal. Ill read over some more of these stories to get a better idea exactly what to say next time i have to disclose. Thanks again everyone! 🙂

Thanks for your response Ishmael! So far, I have had to disclose to 3 or 4 men and each time, I don't think that I have told them in the best way. Every time I start to tell them, and tell my story I start crying, because I feel so ashamed of it, and am scared they are going to not react very well. My previous thoughts were that it was ok to cry and get emotional about it because it's real. But now I am beginning to realize that I need to be more confident in my disclosure. I guess the more confident I am about disclosing, the better chances are of someone being accepting of it.

Hi everyone. I haven't been on the site for a while, but wanted to get a little bit of support/thoughts. I've had HSV2 for about 4 years now, and single/dating with it for about 1.5 years. The guys that I have told in the last year and a half, have not taken it well, and I'm really starting to get down on myself. I'm talking to someone now and we are going out on a date soon, but part of me is holding back, and I'm scared of liking him because I just know this conversation will have to come up eventually if we hit it off. I get scared now to like anyone, to avoid feeling like I have being rejected. I don't know how to remain hopeful, only to be let down most of the time.

I have been dating someone for a couple months now and he still hasn’t fully accepted my diagnosis of hsv2. He has gotten into the habit of telling me how much he cares for me and says it’s less scary. But then he will ignore me and say he needs time to think. While I understand that some people need time to process and I totally respect that and gave him lots of space...it has been taking a toll on me. He just did it again and I had to end it. I told him that I can’t wait around anymore and want to be with someone who doesn’t need all his time to decide if they want to be with me or not. He hasn’t responded to my message saying that yet and I’m trying not to hold out hope, but part of me hopes this will wake him up. I know and feel like I did the right thing but this process has been so hard. I just want someone who doesn’t give a shit I have this. :(

I have a question about spreading hsv2. I keep hearing and reading that there’s a very small chance of giving your partner herpes when you know you have it. Why is it that so many people have it then? Is it just that people who know they have it are able to prevent transmitting it because they can sense when an outbreak is coming on? But then at the same time, people who don’t know they have it transmit it when it doesn’t appear they have an outbreak?

Hi everyone, I’m in a complete funk right now about my hsv2. I have come to terms with having it, but when I have to disclose to a new partner and they don’t take it all that well, it brings me back to the beginning again. Like I’m this this gross person that no guy wants to touch. I am seeing someone and told him about three weeks ago and he still hasn’t ‘accepted’ it and is still processing. It’s really difficult to not take it personally. I feel like I just want to tell him and prove to him I can still be loved but I don’t want to have to prove my worth just because of this sti. If he ultimately doesn’t accept it, I’m not sure if anyone will :(. Any words of encouragement would be appreciated.

@NewReality thank you for that info!! I also found the printouts on this site with a bunch of info. I do feel a bit better reading that the transmission rates are so low. I take the anti viral meds every day and break outs are getting less and less. My new guy is still thinking things over and he has been away for a week and I haven’t heard much from him, but trying to respect his space and give him time to digest. Hopefully once we have another talk he will be more comfortable with it. It’s so hard dating sometimes and not taking it personally if someone doesn’t accept it. I have faith he will but cross your fingers for me :)

Thanks for that! Also are these percentages referring to unprotected sex and with no outbreaks? If anyone has any links to helpful and reliable information too that would great!! I’m still seeing the guy and he still seems to be interested in me but we still have to sit down and have a conversation about the risks etc. So I want to be prepared.

are you able to clarify that more? When I saw my dr. she told me there was a 5% chance of transmission if you have unprotected sex. Is it not a 5% chance every time you have sex with that same person? I did mention to him I take the daily pill. I just wish this wasnt a whole new thing to him. He seems to be not completely running for the hills, so hopefully he will give me a chance.

Hi everyone. I met a really great guy, and we hit it off right away. Last weekend I had to have 'the talk'. He said he wasn't expecting that and was a bit shocked. I couldn't help but cry and get upset when I told him because I was scared. Anyways, we talked about it and he said he just needs time to process it, that it doesnt change how he feels about me. Since then it has been a little weird between us, and we have had a couple of good talks. He said he has done a little bit of research but doesn't want to do a ton at first because he doesn't want to get overwhelmed. He was honest and said that it does scare him. Last night we had another talk, and I thought he was going to just tell me it was too much, but he didn't. He said that he's still reading up on it, but it still scares him and makes him nervous. I told him the risks again, and also tried to assure him that the risks are low with no outbreaks, and about 5% with no condom, and no outbreaks. That 5% still scared him. He went on to say that he doesn't like using condoms. I'm left feeling again like this is running my love life, and I don't know what to do. He knows I'm great, and wants to be with me, but this could be a dealbreaker. It breaks my heart because we are good together, and I hate that just something like herpes could control this part of my life. Is there anything else I can say to him to assure him that its not the end of the world?

I have started dating this guy, and its just been a week. But so far I have never felt so strongly about someone so soon, and he has shared the same feelings for me too. I know I barely know him yet, but so far he has proved himself to be such a gentleman. We have talked on the phone for hours, text all day and video chat (he lives an hour and a half away). He made a comment though one time when we were talking. He was talking about some girls profiles online, how they appear to be 'slutty' or whatever..(he didnt use that word), but along those lines. Anyways he said something like 'no, just stay home, you're going to get an std'. I get that people who don't know much about H sort of thing that its only promiscuous people that have it. I admit I kind of had the same views before I found out I contracted it from an ex. But when he said that it made me worry that he won't accept me because of it. He took me out on our first date last night and it was so amazing. I truly think he could be 'the one'. But I need to disclosed. He invited me up to spend this weekend with him, and so I'm going to go. I don't know if sex will come up, but I imagine its a possibility since I"m staying the night. A friend of mine is telling me to wait to tell him. Part of me wants to wait on telling him and trying to hold off on sex for a while so he can get to know me better, but part of me wants to just be upfront with him so if he can't accept it, than I won't be completely heart broken. Do you think there's any difference in outcome if you wait to tell someone, or are honest and upfront right away? I feel like he may respect me more for telling him sooner rather than later. He has expressed how much he likes me, and is quite vocal about it, so I may not have anything to worry about if he likes me as much as he says he does.

Hi everyone! I just had a quick question. I'm currently dating someone, but haven't had the 'disclosure' talk yet. I'm feeling positive about it and think he will be ok with it. A friend of mine who knows that I have it, has told me a couple of times just not to tell them because its so manageable, and not everyone will understand. Morally I can't do that. So she suggested just saying I have a strain of HPV, and trying not to use the word herpes. Does anyone know if this is correct information? Is herpes just a strain of HPV? I don't want to 'lie' to him, I just want the best possible reaction and acceptance.

Not to get into too much detail, but I took a look, and its a bit swollen and purple, so I'm thinking its a hemorrhoid. I havent seen a herpes outbreak look like that before??

Hi everyone, I have a question. I have been with my new boyfriend for a couple months now, and only recently started having sex. He knows what I have (HSV2), and is ok with it. We have a very romantic night planned tonight and have been looking forward to it for some time. Last night I noticed something (down there), but I'm not sure if its a herpes outbreak, or hemorrhoids?? I havent ever had an outbreak on my, excuse me..anus, so Im hoping it's not an outbreak?? If it is, how safe is it to have sex, and not pass it on to him, if we use a condom?

Good news! I went and spoke with him and we had a really good talk. He’s never been in this situation before so just needed some time to take it in. I told him I was worried he wouldn’t want to see me anymore and he said that thought never crossed his mind. We had such an amazing evening, and I saw him again last night. I thought we might have taken the next step last night but he said he still needs some time to absorb the information before we have sex. Im now a little worried that eventually he just won’t be able to accept it, even though he says that’s not the case. Im scared of getting hurt now because I’m so invested, but it feels so right and he’s told me many times how much he likes me, that he’s told his friends about met etc.

Thanks for your comment! Yes, he said he wants to meet up and talk..hes still being nice, but a bit different. I'm heading over to his place tonight to talk. Fingers crossed it will be positive, and he wont end it :)

Hi everyone. I finally met someone I truly like, and I know he really likes me back. Our last day I disclosed my HSV2. He seemed to be ok with it, and told me he used to get cold sores, so obviously has HSV1. I don't think he knows a lot about it though. I tried to tell him all the facts that I knew...but was also honest that I was scared it was going to drive him away etc. He said that he really likes me, just think he wanted to do some research etc. He text me as soon as he got home, said he was looking forward to our next date. Then I could feel him pulling away a bit and I just got this message from him: 'Hey sorry for being so busy yesterday. I'll call you over the next few days. I've needed some time to think. My apologies'. I immediately broke down and started crying, and am still crying. I dont know what to think of that message. I don't want to lose him. Especially just over this. I text him back and just said it was ok, and that I understand...and also said I hope this wasn't it but would respect whatever his decision would be.' He responded by saying 'I already like you so much'. And I said "i really like you a lot too. Again, i'm an open book, so let me know if you have any questions. Take all the time you need". And that was our conversation. Now I have to sit here and wait, when Im just expecting him to tell me he doesn't want to be with me anymore. I dont know what to do.

Yeah, it's put me in a pretty sad state, and scared to ever do it again, as it was my first disclosure. I really liked him though, and sucks to be rejected either way. Good luck to you though! I hope it goes better for you...

He did. He ended up saying he wasn't feeling a connection and ended it. An bs excuse I think :(

Thanks guys! I've thought about it a lot and I do think you're right. We completely had chemistry so it makes no sense what his excuse is. It's too bad he's taken that approach because I've been beating myself up about it, that I wasn't good enough. Seems he's just closed minded.