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ekrub

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  1. Im 17, he's 18. I was diagnosed with herpes at the age of 15 after receiving oral sex from someone infected. I was devistated. As you can imagine my insecurities, self judgment and loathing blossomed into something very dark and depressing. Over time my wounds healed and I became kind of hole again. The whole town know about my diagnosis thanks to my ex bestfriend and some screenshots she had of me pouring my broken heart out after I was diagnosed. The boy I was seeing at the time was at first put off, but then accepted me and continued to pursue a sexual and intimate relationship with me, he received a lot of hate from the rest of the time for being with me which resulted in him keeping me secret because he was embarrassed of me. I, with the lowest self image I'd ever had, accepted this treatment. 2 years down the line and we're still together, but something awful has happened. Whilst in Poland on holiday, in an argument about my sexual past (he has a strange obsession with virgins and hates that I've been with anyone other than him), he decided to drop the bomb that I'd given him herpes 2 months previously. He says his first outbreak lasted for two days and was painless. We live together and have sex every day, I had never seen anything (trust me I look). I'm very paranoid about when I'm asymptomatic and we don't have sex when I am. We have unprotected sex, and have done for the past 2 years, which was his idea. Long story short, I'm absolutely devistated that he has it. I don't know how to deal with these emotions and it's killing me. He says that he is now dirty and disgusting. He says I have ruined him mentally and physically for life. Although I completely understand his feelings and can empathise greatly, these negative statements are having a huge impact on my perception of myself and how far I have come in the past two years. I have nobody to talk to as I will not risk everyone finding out he has it too, he won't speak to me about it either as he wants to forget so I'm giving him space. Another thing is that he refuses to get tested, so he does not know wether he definitely has it, and gets very angry when I question it. I'm absolutely broken, I feel like an awful person and an awful girlfriend. I can't believe how much I have hurt him. Someone help me? I've restarted taking antidepressants and I'm going back to therapy. I have come such a long way in my journey with herpes, this has started it all over again. Someone help? Thanks B X
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