FlowerPower

Well, the fact is that people love to gossip and they will talk about ANYTHING. It's just a word, really, that is used as a marker for shame. So many words have been used in that way: gay, slut, poor, home-wrecker, whipped....you name it. Unfortunately people externalize their own shame or disappointment about themselves (whatever that is) onto others because it makes them feel better about themselves. Especially when it becomes dissociated from actual people they know and love. Think about it this way - for a long time, people would talk as if being gay was the worst thing ever. They would whisper about people behind their backs and vow to disown their own child if they found out he liked men. But how many people have actually disowned their children? A study found recently that people would say they hated transgender folks, until they actually had a conversation with a transgender person. Then their attitudes changed. Part of it is not knowing much, another is the need to denigrate in order to seem better in the eyes of friends and neighbors, and yet another is the feelings of shame people have around their own sexuality. But how many people have sex, even risky sex? Lots. They can't be that scared of it. And my own experience tells me that when they actually put a face to the thing, its not quite as scary as they thought, especially with adequate information. Again, I've had plenty of kind, loving, hot, wonderful people want to sleep with me and have a relationship. I can't tell you what to do with your relationship. The best thing anyone ever did for me regarding mine was to give me permission to be scared and not brave (it's scary!) and not pressure me to leave him. But I can say the only way to get over the fear is to face it. When I finally did, it was scary as hell, and it still is sometimes, but I'm learning to love myself again. I believe you can too!

First of all - don't worry. You haven't done anything wrong. Just be honest with your guy - tell him you are going to get tested because some recent info from your ex makes you think it's possible you may have picked up an STI some time ago, though you haven't had an ob. If you come back positive, tell him that you came back positive. You don't have to apologize, or feel bad, or ashamed. It's just facts, facts that he might want to know in order to take precaution going forward. Tell him this is because you care about him. Ask him to get tested too, because he could also already have it and not know it (not necessarily from you, either). I had to do this recently too, with a partner of a few months and it ended up being way better than I expected, despite having lots of anxiety leading up to it. If he freaks out and thinks you lied to him or cheated on him then you are likely dealing with a paranoid or manipulative person, not someone who loves you. He may be confused or even slightly nervous, which you can deal with by looking at stats and facts together or just having a level conversation together, but he should be thankful, not angry, that you are taking care to find out, tell him, and take precautions. I promise that just ripping off the bandaid and telling him as quickly and bluntly as possible will bring you a lot of relief (if you actually even test positive). But I would definitely tell him you are getting tested so he can prepare mentally too - it will take some of the pressure of of you if you come back positive.

@HikingGirl, I am going through the same thing right now - ex is sending me a long sappy email a week, and they have been escalating in intensity. I've been using all of my self control to not email him back at all (except about house things, bills etc). It feels so empowering. I don't feel a longing for him right now, and I'm currently dating two different, awesome people and having a great time! Being single is great. @TaintedLove, I have disclosed to several people over the years and have only ever had one rejection because of it. After my separation I was really freaked out about it because I hadn't had to think about herpes for 10 years during my marriage, let alone disclose to anyone. I had two very different experiences. The first guy I thought was just going to be a one night stand and I so badly wanted to feel normal and sexy and free (and I was drunk) that I didn't tell him when we first slept together (with protection). I told myself I didn't need to feel guilty about it, and honestly, it wasn't the guilt as much as the internalized shame that really got to me. You see, I realized, that as we continued to see each other that me not telling him was more a reflection of how I felt about myself - I believed that that info was so terrible that no one would want me if I told them. This solidified my shame and anxiety, along with the worry that I would transmit to him without it being his choice to take the risk. When I finally told him, he actually took it pretty well, and even thanked me for being so honest. I just said, listen I want you to know, because I care about you, that I have hsv, commonly known as herpes, so before we sleep together again, I want you to consider this. After that, I felt such relief, but even more importantly, I felt empowered, agentic, and proud of myself. I felt some of that self-imposed shame disappear. Also, and this was super interesting to me, I felt some of my attraction to him disappear - it had been so wrapped up in feeling less worthy and possible rejection that when I finally dealt with that info, I realized that he wasn't as attractive as I thought. That was a pretty immediate feeling, and regained some of my own power. The second guy was way more of an emotional connection (e.g. someone I wanted to date) and I trusted him right off the bat, so on our second date, as we were talking candidly about our anxieties, I mentioned that one of mine, when it comes to relationships, was having herpes and the stigma attached to that. He told me he got cold sores and we discussed the similarity. He then told me I was an amazing person and couldn't wait to spend more time with me. I should note that both of these relationships are casual, not monogamous (with everyone's consent), so yeah, fun times. My advice is: the biggest source of shame and fear is your self. When you keep that shame inside, all it does is reinforce that you have something to be ashamed about. Sometimes people might not want to take the risk of getting an STI (though sex always has a risk and there are much worse STI's to be gotten), but knowing that you did the right thing by giving them that choice, and that you offered that info forward because it's a small part of you and because you want people to accept you as you are, will help you accept yourself and others to trust you. But it might be slow and difficult to really get to this point. The only way to do that is to practice. I started by telling my friends and family. I highly recommend a therapist. Just say the word Herpes out loud as much as possible so it loses its strength. You might be surprised what your friends tell you when you disclose to them. One of my best friends told me in response that he had AIDS. That put things in perspective a bit for me. People are generally good - most people, especially the kind you will end up attracting, will be kind and decent, even if they don't want to sleep with you. You will have to learn to see your value not in how many people want you sexually, but in how brave, resilient, good hearted, and intelligent you are. And you will, as soon as you practice letting go of the shame. XO

You said it girl - you are a good woman and you have a lot to offer! I know the feeling of being stuck in a crappy relationship because of your own shame/anxieties. When I finally got out of mine I was scared and anxious all the time of having to deal with this. But you know what? It's been way better than I expected. Yeah it's annoying, but you've already taken the amazing first step of acknowledging how you feel, and reminding yourself you are a good person. And you care about others. You will see that telling others is one of the most validating experiences - it is hard, but once you have done it it makes you feel brave, and agentic, and caring. You seem like a great person, and you have every right to step away from a relationship that is toxic and a man that doesn't respect you or give you what you need. There are some AMAZING people out there who will want you and love you, herpes and all.

I'm happy to help - I've had it for 15 years, been through two long term relationships since (including a marriage) and several short term ones. It's scary at first, but it gets easier, and you will be surprised with the amount of success you will have! I think of myself as a "destigmatizer" now when I disclose, paving the way for others to have an easier time of it and change the conversation a bit. Even if I get rejected (which has only happened to me once), I think about the fact that talking about it could change people's attitudes even a tiny bit. There are some great people out there - yes, even for casual sex. Happy to chat further, because I know it's hard, and sometimes I still struggle with it, in my darkest moments.

Hi there, I think you dodged a bullet here. Herpes or not, I think this guy wasn't after your "good qualities" and you had to find this out a bit sooner than you hoped. I had one rejection once because of herpes, and they guy seemed ok at first with it, but a few days later told me he couldn't do it. I was ok with that - I accepted it, but he went further to tell me why. It turns out he now thought I was "impure" and not as sexually innocent as he had hoped. First this made no sense: I had fewer sexual partners than he had. Second, it was so moralistic, and frankly, sexist. This was coming from someone who told me he had been falling in love with me! I was shocked that someone who supposedly liked me, actually liked an idea of me as some sexual innocent, and not a real, complex person. I remember I was devastated for a few days, until it dawned on me that I had dodged a real bullet there. Under no circumstances do you ever deserve to be treated like a second class citizen! Since that rejection, I've had many wonderful sexual partners and relationships, and at no time has any of them made me feel less valuable, lovable, or desirable. Your good qualities will ALWAYS outweigh a stupid skin disease, for those who actual see you as you are. You are not alone in your pain - we've all been there, but I promise, you won't be lonely forever.

I also want to point out that most of the shame actually comes from ourselves and that other people actually don't stigmatize as much as we think they will. I have only been rejected once out of 10 partners (and that rejection was very predictable given the person's conservative views). At first, I kept being surprised that someone would still want to sleep with me despite what I thought was this hugely shameful thing. But the truth is, a lot of that shame is wrapped up in irrational fear, anger about someone giving it us without disclosing, or anger at ourselves for supposedly doing something "wrong" like not using protection, or sleeping with the wrong person. We work it up in our minds - telling ourselves no one could love us, want us, or will be disgusted with us now. We devalue ourselves to the point where we don't put ourselves out there with confidence and the belief that we are good, lovable people. But the truth is, most people don't see it that way. They see you as a person, and they are thankful that you told them, and they still want to be with you. And if they don't then they have their reasons which is fine, but even so most people are not assholes about it anyway. Part of the reason that cold sores are not considered so shameful but genital herpes is, is that we assume we should feel ashamed. So people don't tell their partners, they internalize it, and then the anger/shame cycle continues. I promise you will find love. I've been through two long term relationships with herpes as a non-issue and several short term relationships as well. It's not as bad as you think so don't be too hard on yourself. Remember to love yourself too!

I'm sorry you are suffering. The first time is the worst - I promise it gets better. I know the feeling of being angry with yourself. But there are so many times in life that we do things by mistake. It doesn't make us bad or irresponsible. You can't blame yourself. There is always a possibility in sex, even protected sex, that you will get an STI. I'm sorry though that the person did not give you a heads up about their situation - it just make people feel angry, ashamed, and upset, which perpetuates the stigma associated with herpes. It's tough, I know. I remember when I was first diagnosed I wished I had been told I had cancer instead. But I'll tell you something - your life will go on. You will have other partners. You will remember that you are a lovable person. Other people will see that too. Keep checking in here and reading about people's experiences. XO

Hi there, I'm feeling kind of worried about transmission to my new partner. I disclosed to him before sex, and he was absolutely fine with it. He decided a few months into our relationship that he wanted to have unprotected sex with me because he has a hard time with condoms and it was really hurting our sex life. I figured it was his body and if he was willing to accept the risks then I shouldn't feel all the responsibility if he does get it, and that the most I could do is protect him as much as possible by not having sex with symptoms, and being on suppressive meds. However, yesterday while we were having sex I started to feel a bit of pain. I thought maybe he was just rubbing me weird, though I got a little bit worried about it. This morning, I definitely have what appears to be a tiny sore spot and likely a very mild outbreak. I normally know when I am getting an outbreak (tingles and aches) but had nothing this time (maybe bc of the meds?). But now I'm worried that since it's a likely outbreak, and we had unprotected sex last night, that he's likely to contract it! I honestly didn't realize I was having an outbreak but now that I am I feel absolutely terrible. I know he made his own decisions, but it's so early in the relationship and I don't know if I even want to be with this guy long term, but will feel so guilty if he does get it. Does anyone have any advice to deal with these feelings of guilt and fear?

Hi all, I wanted to contribute with my experiences recently because reading posts on here have been so helpful for me. I also wanted to contribute because I think it might be helpful for some people, since contexts can vary - not every disclosure situation is the same. My marriage has ended recently (he was abusive) and I am a wreck. I feel unloved, powerless, and so needy. As I am recovering I begin to feel better and free, and with it, the desire to hook up with people. I felt this craving to just have casual sex and feel wanted again in a sexual way, so I went on some dating apps, started flirting with people at bars etc. It was so fun and I felt better than I had in years. I met a guy at a bar that I really just wanted to sleep with. He was really hot, but not really relationship material, and I desperately wanted to just hook up. When we met up for a date I hadn't actually planned to sleep with him that night - I was planning on disclosing on a second or third date and then hoping he would be ok with a casual hookup. But we got really drunk and he wanted to come home with me and I let him. I'm not going to lie - I think I just really wanted to feel normal and a part of me was feeling entitled, after all these years of being abused, of just taking back some of my agency and getting laid like any other person. This guy was bragging about how he slept with hundreds of women and seemed super casual about sex. We ended up sleeping together, and though he didn't want to use protection I insisted we did. But I somehow, throughout this process, convinced myself that if he didn't care about sleeping with so many people, didn't ask me about STI's and didn't care to use protection, then it wasn't my responsibility (I do think we shouldn't put so much individual responsibility on people - sex is a two person act). And I figured I would never see him again ( he was a little bit of an arrogant dick) and the risks were low. The sex was amazing, BTW. Shortly after this occasion, I met an awesome guy online. We went on one date that was great. On our next date, he came over and we had a really deep conversation about my fears coming out of my abusive relationship. I told him I wasn't interested in an official relationship right now but would like to date casually, and see other people. He seemed totally fine with that and said he was excited to get to know me, even if not in a serious relationship. He told me his own fears of being anxious about his sexual performance. He seemed so candid about his anxieties and so sweet, that I decided then and there to reveal that I had herpes. I just had this deep intense feeling I could trust him to not be a dick. He could see I was a bit nervous, and hugged me tight after I told him. He said "well I get cold sores, and isn't it basically the same thing?" Then he asked me what the risks were, and I said they were low with protection but still a risk. He said that no way would something like herpes get in the way of getting to be with someone as wonderful as me, and I could have cried I felt so relieved. I felt empowered and that this maybe wouldn't be such a big deal after all. And for the first time I didn't feel like I know had to be in a long term relationship with someone just because I have herpes. I've been casually dating mr. nice guy for a few months now and though the sex hasn't been amazing, he is really wonderful to be around. The casual guy, in the mean time kept calling. I ended up sleeping with him again, and it got harder and harder to disclose to him. I kept telling myself that he wouldn't care, or didn't care about safety, or that he already prob had something too but it just got harder and harder to tell him after the fact because not only would I face possible rejection but also anger. Some friends suggested that I not even bring it up unless he asked. I also kept believing that this was a short term thing - that it wouldn't last anyway since he didn't even believe in relationships. But he kept calling me and suddenly he says has feelings for me. I start to feel incredibly guilty about not disclosing. That was the worst part- the guilt. It was so much worse than the anxiety of disclosing. I just couldn't shake it. As a 'good person' it just didn't jive with my self-view to withhold that info, even if he didn't seem care that much. So I resolved to tell him no matter what. Last week, when he came over and we were cuddling we started to get hot and heavy and I stopped him. I just blurted out - listen, I wanted to tell you that I'm a carrier for HSV II. He said "what's that?" and I said herpes, trying not to wince. I looked him in the eyes - I didn't apologize or act nervous. Then I explained that I had been tested but that I rarely get breakouts but he should know there is a risk if we keep sleeping together. He seemed confused mostly, but not angry. He at first said 'ugh I kinda wish you hadn't told me' But he thanked me for telling him and added that it was nice of me to let him know officially. I told him to ask me any questions he had and he started to ask me what risks were associated with it, how likely transmission was, whether you could get it orally, and I answered all of these questions with calm and statistics. I also noted that if had indeed slept with hundreds of women he has very likely been exposed to herpes before and that he should get tested anyway. He said he would and seemed to be ok. He then joked that the convo had been a bit of a libido-killer, and I said yeah I expected it to be. But then he added that he still wanted to have sex with me in the future. I told him to think on it because I didn't want him to feel pressured at all before making an informed decision. He agreed, and ended up spending the day with me, sleeping over again. We didn't talk about it again. Since then he hasn't mentioned it at all, and has been calling me, but we haven't seen each other or had sex yet. It doesn't seem like it's going to be a problem, but we'll see - he might get cold feet. Even if he does decide he doesn't want to, I felt really proud that I was able to disclose, even so far after the fact. I had corrected a mistake and have decided not to feel guilty about it, but to learn from it instead. I felt more confident about it, and took back a little bit of my agency and pride. I realized that not disclosing is a way of keeping your shame inside and the only thing that gets rid of the shame is being up front about it. By not telling someone, you are just telling yourself it is too shameful to share, which perpetuates and solidifies the shame. The funny thing is, I had begun idealizing this guy up until I told him. After I did, I felt so proud of myself, and I also immediately felt less attracted toward the guy. It was like I had been feeling I didn't deserve to be loved and respected, thereby elevating him to 'better than me' and if he found out my secret he wouldn't love or respect me, but it was me who didn't love or respect me. Once I regained some of that self-respect, I felt pretty ambivalent about the dude, and like I wouldn't be super hurt if he decided to walk away (though I will miss the excellent sex!). So there you go. Now my big problem is I have two guys who are super into me, and I don't know where this is going! But life is still fun, an adventure, and all of this stress has led to great insights about myself, what I need, and what kind of people are in the world. Good luck to everyone who is going through disclosures: You are good, people make mistakes, more people than you think really won't let herpes get in the way of even a casual relationship, and if they do, then it's ok - it's not about you. There are definitely more challenges, but not all of them are bad - and remember - it's just a skin disease, not personality flaw!