Capybara

Thanks for the response, @SPATX919. It's a tough call (at least for me, at the moment) because everyone I've heard of who has GHSV-1 has gotten it from oral sex with someone who either didn't know they had it or didn't feel like disclosing. There are very few documented cases of genital to genital transmission with GHSV-1, but many oral-to-genital (and presumably at least a few genital-to-oral, though I'm having trouble finding stats on this). I also can't find exact F to M/M to F stats. https://www.herpes-coldsores.com/viral_shedding.htm According to the above site, it seems GHSV-1 sheds 3-5% days per year when no symptoms are present, whereas OHSV-1 sheds 18% when no symptoms are present. But people tend not to really register the statistics...I feel like their gut reaction is "you have filthy genitals and there is a chance - even a relatively small chance - that I could catch that from you" and that is that. The knee-jerk revulsion takes over, and it dooms people who have GHSV-1 in ways that it does not doom the more contagious OHSV-1 people. I'm not even sure I blame them...it's not a nice thing to think about having permanently.

If you have GHSV-1, how unethical would it be to tell someone you're dating, prior to any intimate contact of course, that you simply simply carry the HSV-1 virus...and not inform them of the specific location where it manifests (or has manifested in the past)? It seems to me that it doesn't even matter where it manifests, since if you are physically intimate with someone (including oral and penetrative sex) and they catch it due to asymptomatic shedding, it would be impossible to definitively tell how the virus was transmitted. Why even bother differentiating the location to potential partners? I have GHSV-1 and have disclosed only once and informed the person of the location, but since then I've been wondering if that disclosure (the location - not the existence of the virus) is even necessary. If up to 90% of people have OHSV-1 and the vast majority do not disclose before oral sex AND they are more contagious than people with GHSV-1, it seems irrational and unfair that the GHSV-1 people get all the stigma and rejection.

@Onedayworthit that doesn't make me feel any better! I'm really sorry - no one deserves to be ghosted, whether because of herpes or anything else. I think it just goes to show you that it can happen for a variety of reasons, and it has nothing to do with what you're worth as a person. Thanks for your message @laphay. My situation definitely hasn't gone on as long as yours, but I can empathize. Waiting for an answer is so hard. I hope your guy comes around soon and realizes he could be missing out on something great if he bails. And even if he doesn't, you're right - it has nothing to do with who you are.

Yikes! I didn't realize meds could cause constant prodrome symptoms! I'm definitely thinking of getting on Valtrex to try to stop the itching. It's funny the Acyclovir didn't cause any itchiness and Valtrex did for you, since your body just converts Valtrex to Acyclovir once it's metabolized (granted the absorption rate of Acyclovir is slower, so maybe it's a timing issue?)...thanks for the tips though :) Glad you've found some things that have worked! It gives me hope.

Thanks @Onedayworthit :) It's funny how not knowing is almost worse than a flat out rejection.

After being diagnosed, I told myself I'd die alone with 100 cats, but that just isn't really what I want. I'd like to have a nice relationship. I'm 33 and not getting any younger, so three months after being diagnosed and suffering through feelings of self-loathing, I signed up for a free dating app (a vegetarian dating app just to see who might be out there with the same interests as me - I was not expecting to talk to anyone much less agree to meet someone). As it turned out, I matched with a really cute guy, we started talking, and we figured out we had a lot of things besides being vegetarian in common. My sister (who knows my whole story) suggested that I should just get coffee with him because herpes shouldn’t dictate my life, so I did, and he's great: handsome, principled, athletic, intelligent, funny AND we have lots in common. We hit it off, and there was definitely chemistry. It was a 4-hour date and he didn't want me to leave, but I had dinner plans so I had to. We made plans to get dinner the following weekend, and I knew I needed to tell him. I didn’t want to waste his time or mine. I agonized about it all week, reading disclosure success and failure stories on here and going through in my head what I’d say. After a really nice dinner, I got up the nerve to say "there's something I need to talk to you about." He could tell it was serious. I told him that my ex gave me herpes 3 months ago, the kind I have is type 1, he might already have it because up to 90% of people have it in some form, doctors don’t test for it when you ask for a full STD panel (which I continue to feel is unconscionable), and 25% of people have some kind of genital herpes (I tried to keep it short and not get too emotional, though I did tell him I really cared about him and this was my first disclosure). I could see in his eyes that he was terrified and taken aback (as I would have been had someone told me prior to my diagnosis!). He'd never had to deal with an STD disclosure before. He asked me some questions about how I got it and what it’s been like, and then he relaxed a bit. We kept talking for 3 hours about all kinds of things, he kissed me multiple times, thanked me for telling him, told me he thinks I'm really special and he just needs some time. His response was totally reasonable, but now I'm in limbo, waiting to find out if he'll ghost me, reject me, or agree to keep getting to know me. He’s a triathlete, and the simple truth is that having genital irritation/outbreaks would be a real issue for him with all the long hours on bikes, in wetsuits, etc. If he tells me it’s something he just can’t deal with, I know I shouldn’t be discouraged…but I will be. I've dated a lot of people, and I haven't felt this compatible with someone or liked someone this much in many years. This waiting game is pretty horrible.

I've been lurking on here for months, just reading and getting up the courage to tell my story. I caught GHSV-1 about 3 months ago from an ex boyfriend who briefly came back into my life. One of the things I’m still struggling with is that we were – I thought – quite careful. Before we became intimate this second time around, we had two detailed discussions about STDs, testing habits, and previous "scares." He's a bit OCD about his health, which I found reassuring. He showed me his most recent test results from just a few weeks prior (all negative - but no herpes test was included). He mentioned a herpes "scare" he'd had a few months back which ended up simply being chafing due to wearing the wrong shorts while training for a marathon (PCR tests came back all negative). He'd never had a cold sore (that he knew of), and never had any other herpes symptoms. We used condoms. In hindsight, he had some mild but "painful and bothersome" (his words) razor burn or acne on his jawline, which he attributed to switching to a cheap disposable razor during his visit to me (he had to fly and couldn't bring his fancy straight razor in his checked bag). I do believe he had razor burn, but I'm also almost certain the razor burn + the stress of flying overseas for the first time in his life to visit an ex he hadn't spent significant time with in 7 years (me) triggered a mild outbreak - or at least shedding - in the spots where he had razor burn. The primary outbreak, which started 3 days after exposure to his razor burn (via one very short bout of oral sex), was pretty terrible. First it hurt to pee, then the next day I started itching, then by 5 days after exposure the sores appeared. I knew what it was before I rushed to the doctor, but I didn't know if it was type 1 or 2. Fever, sore throat, muscle aches, swollen glands in my neck AND groin, and incredible itching and discomfort all over my crotch followed. I even had a few large, itchy lesions on my chest, back, shoulder, and a terrible one on my chin (friends even asked me 2 weeks after it cropped up whether I'd been in a bike accident - I still have a scar). I got on Acyclovir about 4 days into the outbreak, and by day 10 the physical symptoms were mostly over...the psychological symptoms not so much though. Feelings of being dirty and no one ever loving me again kept me in bed, crying and reading literally everything herpes-related on the internet for 2 weeks. I remained depressed for another month after that, and that feeling still comes and goes. The guy who gave it to me apologized, said he felt terrible and had no idea he might have it. He said he'd get an igG blood test and let me know the results (not that it really mattered at that point - I had it and was nearly 100% certain he'd given it to me). He never got back to me about that and also hasn’t asked me how I’ve been doing. He was never very good at dealing with emotionally charged situations, which was one of the reasons we hadn't worked out the first time (mid-20s). I thought that 7 years might change that, but it clearly didn't. Everyone I've talked to (including the GPs I've been to) told me that it's just not a big deal, that 50-90% of people have HSV-1, that it's the stigma that is the biggest issue, and that most people have no or very few recurring GHSV-1 outbreaks. I don't disagree that the stigma might be the worst part, but I just don’t agree that it’s “no big deal.” I've had 3+ subsequent mostly-internal (but incredibly itchy) outbreaks that have been not nearly as horrible as the primary outbreak...two after drinking 3-4 alcoholic drinks over the course of an evening (clearly I won't be able to drink much anymore), and one after being stressed about giving a presentation and not sleeping enough. The worst thing for me, though, has been a near-daily fiery itching where the original lesions were. I haven't had visible external lesions since the first outbreak, but this itching comes in unpredictable waves and lasts for sometimes 10 minutes, sometimes 6 hours. It's usually worse at night. Has anyone else had that? Does taking daily viral suppressants help with itching/paresthesia?? I was hoping to stay off daily meds for at least a year to let my body figure out how to deal with this on its own, but I'm so tired of wanting to claw the @#$% out of my labia!