I've been dating a man I love very much for the past two years. It's honestly the best relationship I've ever been in, I enjoy spending time with him more than anyone, and I want to us to be together for a very long time. About a year ago I had a mild outbreak and found out I was positive for genital herpes. I told my partner, while sobbing, and he held me and said all the right things, "It's not a big deal, it's very common, it's just a skin condition with an overblown stigma." However, it soon became apparent that even though he objectively knew all those things, he no longer wanted to have penetrative sex due to his fear of getting it as well. We went from having sex multiple times a week, to getting intimate (handjobs for me and blowjobs for him, or mutual masturbation) once every few weeks. It's not that I don't think that those are valid forms of sex, it's just that I have always preferred the feeling and kind of intimacy that comes from penetrative sex. He said he just needed time, and I gave it to him. A few months ago I told him we needed to talk about our sex life and herpes, and a few minutes into our talk he said he didn't know what he had been so afraid of, and we had sex. We had sex a few more times over the next month, and then he told me he was feeling scared again and we stopped. At this point, I don't know what else to do to help educate him or help him get over his anxiety. He has admitted to feeling guilty over his anxiety, and I feel manipulative whenever I cry or send him another article or resource about herpes. I asked him this weekend where he was feeling on everything, and he said he just needed to keep learning and thinking about it. How much time is too much time? Am I being crazy to think he will ever come around? Do I give up someone I love being with because I can't have a certain kind of sex with him? (We are non monogamous but neither of us is actively dating anyone else, so I do have the possibility for anal and vaginal sex with other people). Is there any way for us to work through this or are we just incompatible because of my status? It make me furious and depressed to think that something so common, inconsequential, and harmless could cause me so much heartache. This weekend has felt especially difficult for me, and either option (ending things with him, or continuing to wait for him to feel ok with it indefinitely) seem equally awful. I'm open to any support, advice, words of wisdom, etc. Thank you.
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