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CM

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Everything posted by CM

  1. Thank you for this beautiful and uplifting post! It took me quite a few up and down moments before starting to feel like more of myself again. But I love this. You HAVE to love yourself first. And Herpes definitely has slowed everything down and really forced (or let's say allowed) me to evaluate my life in a more beautiful, non-judgemental purposeful way. Something really surprising out of all of this.
  2. Thank you for sharing your story!
  3. This site is a huge resource. I also listened to Adrial's podcasts which are helpful. The more you an educate yourself on the topic and the more that you value how amazing it is that you're able to be honest and vulnerable, and you'll find someone who values and respects that one day is pretty darn awesome. It took me a while to feel comfortable and I realized I felt like a different person with herpes. Like when I got diagnosed even the amazing pleasures of things like running or treating myself to manicure/pedicures didn't seem like I was worth it. I treated myself differently and when I realized that I realized I allowed others to treat me differently. Taking the time to re-find myself and re define my values and get back to the things that I enjoyed, my strengths as an incredible unique individual was something I needed to do before anyone else could love me or even value starting something new with. Hang in there and continue to do some research, do positive loving things for yourself and remind yourself of who you are. At the end of the day we all have baggage and vulnerabilities and that's about it. But you also have to love and accept yourself first which is a big step in the process. Redefine your values, redefine how you see yourself, because you're pretty great and it's good to be reminded of that! All the best! P.S. I found that the more I shared with girlfriends that I had Herpes the more they shared deeply vulnerable "secrets" I had no idea about. It actually brought some of my friendships closer!!
  4. @FLGator25 first I want to acknowledge your bravery for sharing with a community. Yes it can be anonymous, but to write it all out and acknowledge an experience that was handled in a way you weren't wanting and are now looking back can be a hard and vulnerable thing to do. I listened to Berne Brown's book The Gifts of Imperfection during a time when I was really ashamed with how I handled herpes. Berne studies shame and guilt and in a moment when you're feeling like you've done something horrible and you place all worldly blame on yourself it can be helpful to take a breath and a different perspective. Your experience does not have to define who you are as a person. It can be an experience that you reflect on the behavior and what worked and what didn't. Not looking at it as an experience that defines you. The truth is we're all trying to figure this out and Lord knows we will mess up. I too wanted to pretend that it didn't exist. I didn't allow myself to be vulnerable in a real way and although it seems like the lowest point, the beauty is that it's over. You've shared. The hardest part is over and you have an entire future to continue working on an experience in which you're happy with how you handled it. If you go back and read my discussion boards (which I don't know how you can, but try) you'll see two posts. One is my first painful lesson in disclosure and about a couple months later is my successful disclosure. I had such a hard time removing my blame, my guilt and my anger at myself. And what that does is feed into something that should not define you, but allow you to learn and move forward. Here are a few things that REALLY helped me. Therapy, defining myself in a way that allows me to be confident and remember the person that I am, not the Herpes (ex. exercising, writing, doing nice things for myself like massages, etc.) I'm in the middle of Adrial's audio course which has really helped, the podcasts are great too. It'll take time to heal, but remember that each day you have a decision, and although you didn't love the pasts decision you can absolutely wake up today and decide to do it differently. And that's the beauty in it.
  5. @just_a_girl it's been a rollercoaster for me in learning to accept and love myself. Aside from the home course, it's been a lot of personal attention. I love running, so I allowed myself to fall back in love with that, bought myself some new gear took the time to run, eating healthy to feel more confident in my body in general, I'd pamper myself with a massage or nails here and there. I also cut out social media right before bed and right when I wake up. I write down or say out loud gratitude for the day. The gratitude, even if it was something as small as thankful for the good weather today or the fact that I can afford my own apartment, helped me see a bigger picture. YOU can do this!!!
  6. @HikingGirl, thank you! I am so happy to share support with others on here, it really gives me courage and strength to be more of my best self every day! I too have added some New Year projects all at once, but the fact that you're doing it at all is wonderful! Best of luck with moving and dating!! It gets easier!!
  7. When I first found out I had Herpes, my world stopped. I had been dating a guy, that wasn't really all that amazing, but when I found out and shared with him, he didn't think it was a big deal, so I kept dating him, insecure and feeling as if I couldn't do any better, this was the one and only man who would accept me. Fast forward to him dumping me...yes him dumping me (and nothing to do with Herpes btw) my true realization that dating with Herpes would become a reality...shattered me. I felt like I could avoid Herpes with a kind of okay guy who accepted me. THANK GOD he broke up with me. It forced me to dive into the process of accepting myself and accepting Herpes. I dove into my family, my friends, my church, running, reading and therapy. And although I had a few months of true ups and downs where I felt I could do this and then felt that nothing would get me feeling normal again, I started to feel like myself, but not just myself. A better version of myself. One that was more patient. Had more acceptance of others around me. Had a larger perspective on life. Okay so the disclosure. I went to Disneyland with a group of friends, and one guy on the trip I had known for a number of years, but never really got closer than social gatherings. He started contacting me after the trip and started talking daily. We went on a number of dates. All with me being mindful of my boundaries. I wanted to feel ready to disclose and I kept reminding myself that just like any other important conversation, my vulnerability was something that needed to be earned. After our third date I went home deciding it was time. I practiced exactly what I would say. I invited him over for dinner at my house and literally prayed for an opening for the conversation to come up. This is what I said: "I want to share something and feel safe to be vulnerable with you. I feel like we're connecting and it's been exciting and I'd like to be open and honest. I have Herpes. I felt it was something you should know as we progress. It's really quite common and doesn't really affect my daily life. And although there's a 4% chance of a female passing it to a male and even less with suppressants I take, which I do, there is some risk involved and I want to be truthful and respectful to you and myself. I'm not ready to be physical yet, that's something that I value and takes me a little more time. I really like the connection we've been making and am looking forward to seeing where this goes. How do you feel about that? If you need some time, or want to do some research or have any questions I am happy and open to answer anything." The whole time my heart was pounding, and I just kept telling myself, it's a normal conversation. Guess what. He thanked me for trusting him, he joked that he was happy I was thinking it'd get to the point of having sex and held my hand the whole time. And after the convo...he KEPT making out with me even more passionately than before. I have to say, this has been incredibly hard. But I also have to say, I've never reflected more on myself and how I can communicate and be open and accepting of others, which ultimately has made me an incredibly better version of myself. I also have had to slow myself down physically in relationships to get to know the person enough to disclose before intimacy which has been even more positive for me. Tips that completely helped me: - Adrial's Home Study Course is AMAZING. I'm only halfway through and it's been a game-changer. Seriously. Consider it. - I wrote down what I wanted to say and practiced it about 50 times in my car. Saying it aloud helped quite a bit. - I went into the conversation knowing what I wanted to get out of it (valuing and respecting myself, being open and honest and knowing I want a partner who can do the same) which helped me stay clear with the conversation. - I had my support team on dial (my close friends who I can spill everything to) It all worked. Ironically, the first guy who dumped me, came back in a big way...called, messaged, left a love letter on my car. And although I know I have outgrown him and my old shamed Herpes self...it doesn't hurt to get that little confidence boost either :) You ALL are incredible and amazing. I would read these stories and think "well sure, you've had success of course you can say that" but I promise, if you invest in valuing yourself, feeling your best self, the journey become easier. Because if someone doesn't accept Herpes, you don't need them in your life. I'm incredibly excited to see where this new relationship goes and a huge weight has been lifted. Be strong, do your research and love yourself, because that's really one of the only options I see.
  8. I know it may seem like you're not normal. And I'm struggling with this too. But you are. We are. I've been in a similar situation and the worst part is over. Be honest. Tell him the truth. That this is new and hard for you. And it didn't go as planned. Of course we wish we could have acted different but the truth is you're navigating something vulnerable and new. And that's okay. But I promise you'll feel better once your honest. Even if it doesn't turn out the way you expect. You deserve to value yourself and also not blame yourself. It does get better. And someone will love and accept you. Everyone has something. But we have to value ourselves and our needs first and that can be hard at first. Guilt doesn't help. Forgive yourself. Be honest and allow some breathing room for this growth to happen. It's going to be okay.
  9. I was diagnosed with HSV2 about 5 months ago in a former relationship. That relationship ended (for other reasons) and I realized I was staying with him because he accepted me, not because he was the one for me. Fast forward to now, I have met an incredible man who I built a short friendship with before turning into romantic. We go to church together and have done quite a few things together. One night we were drinking and in the moment did everything except have sex. The next week I started to feel awful for not disclosing prior to him preforming oral. Once I disclosed he was of course upset that I did not tell him and how he had been vulnerable and I wasn't able to be honest. I completely understand his feeling and am kicking myself for putting someone in a position like that. This is all new for me and I thought I'd be able to clearly define boundaries before disclosing and now that I haven't I am having the hardest time forgiving myself. He came over today and we talked. He forgave me whole-heartedly and still wants to build a friendship, but he cannot see himself continuing forward in a romantic way as he felt vulnerable and it back-fired. It pains me to learn this lesson and I realize that it might be something bigger in forcing me to let myself heal and love myself without jumping into a relationship. But it is painful and in this moment I feel so bad and alone. He took responsibility for not asking me if I was clean before doing anything which was nice, and although he's ready to move on and not hold anything against me, I am holding the world against myself right now. Looking for some support and encouragement through this time.
  10. Thank you Indigoway. The man I disclosed too late with today decided he cannot move forward in a romantic way with me, although he very much values me and wants to stay friends. He forgave me whole-heartedly and in all honesty I wish he weren't so kind about the whole thing, it'd be easier to hate him, but YES, you are correct. These are painful life lessons and giving ourselves compassion and understanding is the only thing we must do.
  11. Update: We just had a discussion. He went and got tested and came back today saying that he just can't move forward with me in a romantic way and he can't get passed it (not Herpes, but me not sharing sooner with him) And to be honest I don't blame him. This is so new for me and is a PAINFUL learning experience. He forgave me whole-heartedly and wants to continue as friends (we're in a church group together). I am trying to see the silver lining and forgive myself, but this has been a really tough one.
  12. Hi Indigoway, I just posted a thread somewhat similar to this. I had been seeing a guy for about a couple months and we had oral sex and I did not disclose until later when it was a conversation I began to feel really guilty for not sharing. I currently am feeling the same feelings. Anger at myself, shame, guilt and all of the what if's I just told him from the get go. I don't know what to say to make this better, however I can say that I am with you in your feelings. This is something where faith in a larger plan comes into play, I know that is hard, but I hope you and I can truly believe that we are not broken, we are human and it is OKAY to make mistakes and learn as you move forward.
  13. I found out I had Herpes from my past relationship and have been living with Herpes only for about 5 months. That relationship ended and have now begun a new one. We met as friends originally and have been seeing each other for the past couple months. I had never had to disclose to someone besides the guy I got it from. The new relationship we ended up having oral sex and I did not disclose (I was going to if we had sex, but now understand and feel awful that I didn't disclose before doing ANYTHING. I did disclose and now the issue is a lack of trust, not the Herpes. This is something I feel shameful about and guilty for not sharing, it is so new to me. I turn 30 next month and have never had to deal with this. He said he needed some time to process, which I honor. I cannot be the only one who has had trouble deciding when to disclose, which I see all over this site and am truly grateful to not feel alone. However I am upset at myself for not owning and disclosing earlier and am looking for support and guidance.
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