Pacific

Do you feel liberated WCS? I feel liberated just reading your posts. Much love and respect to you for your self-confidence and strength!

WCS summarized the situation beautifully and gave great insight. The only thing I can add is - I FEEL YOUR PAIN! I'm sure almost everyone on this forum can understand, to some extent, what you are going through. The sudden disappearance, the sense of rejection. I applaud your courage in contacting him for clarification and I hope that gave you some closure. Mostly, I am writing to tell you that you are not alone, that you are not crazy for feeling the way you do, and that I am sending you a big Internet hug. You're a brave, strong woman - now go out there and find a man who deserves you.

Ah poor Miss Kelly, it's been a rough few weeks for you. I'm sorry that your family and your ex-partner were not as supportive and caring as they should have been and as you needed them to be. Here are my two cents - you did not deserve "this." You did not "have it coming." This is not some cosmic or karmic punishment. Sometimes, bad things just happen, and I'm not just referring to herpes. Diabetes, car accidents, fires, bankruptcy, losing your job - I certainly do not believe anyone "deserves" these things, even if a person made some poor choices. We are human, we make mistakes. Everyone who is in a dark place or in a dark moment in their life deserves a bit of compassion and love. So please don't absorb the judgment or negative attitudes or people who are less than supportive. Don't allow it to affect your moral core or your fundamental character. Hopefully, you'll surround yourself with people who are loving, compassionate, and kind. And it's okay that you're feeling sad right now. Not everything is going to be marshmallows and roses in the beginning of this journey. But have faith that you are taking a step in the right direction - towards a more compassionate, reflective, and mindful existence with a lot less judgment.

Love, love this post. Equanimous, I admire and respect that you took a challenging moment in life and transformed it into a learning experience. You came upon a fork in the road and you chose the enlightened path that will lead to self-actualization. And Adrial, a quote from Ralph Waldo Emerson whose writings shaped my world-view? Perfect. Another reminder that the universe provides us with teaching moments and we should seize upon those opportunities.

Dear Miss Kelly, I am so sorry that this man has turned out to be a bitter disappointment. I am sorry that in a moment when you needed him to step up, be selfless, and caring, he basically failed to rise to your standard of conduct (because it sounds like you handled a difficult situation as gracefully and honestly as you could). Something very similar happened to me, so I feel your pain and frustration. But I'm also proud of you and cheering you on! You realized that he was acting poorly; you realized that you deserved better; and you didn't turn a bad moment into something worse by hating yourself or blaming yourself. You have shown yourself to be a strong person who can overcome a challenging situation. I am rooting for you. But I'm already confident that you're a winner. I hope you find a man who realizes that too (which I'm pretty sure you will, because you won't settle for less!). Sending you lots of love. And beaming with pride at your self-love and self-confidence!

+1 to this! Jump, I really respect you. It takes tremendous courage to remain true to your values and to follow your moral compass. Thank you for reminding us to pick the right path, even if it is the harder path.

I have a very close friend who suffered from anorexia throughout her 20s. During college, she would express many of the same fears and anxieties that you just expressed to Adrial. And a H positive person may say, "well, big deal, she didn't have a lifelong virus, she can just get over anorexia." But she certainly never thought she would ever feel secure and confident; that she would ever be "good enough" for a guy. (Not to oversimplify anorexia, I'm just focusing on certain fears/anxieties she expressed.) My point is that there are any number of conditions that can devastate a person's sense of self-worth and self-love. But I have FAITH in you SJJ and I believe in YOU because you have such a lovely raw honesty about you, and you engage in such active reflection and self-analysis. You're always thinking and always striving to become a better person. These are marks of a strong person and an extraordinary young woman. The best thing about Adrial and H Opp is that the values that he and this site espouse, ultimately, have very little to do with herpes and have everything to do with making each of us into more enlightened persons - more compassionate, loving, honest, living our lives with integrity and having the courage to remain faithful to our values and convictions. So my dear SJJ, have faith, I recognize a fellow humanitarian and kind soul. You have a great capacity for love and a curiosity about the world. You will accomplish amazing things that have absolutely nothing to do with sex, men, dating, and herpes. You will make your community and your little corner of the world a better place. I know this because you will act with love, compassion, and forgiveness. Sometimes, being an "outsider" or being "marginalized", gives you great wisdom. I sense that it has increased your capacity for empathy. Much love to you!

Matt, when I read posts like yours, I am not surprised, at all, that the disclosure went so well. And I would wager that you, and so many others like you, will go on to have very happy, successful relationships. You resonate strength by virtue of your self-love, your empathy, transparency, and your calm reason. Even if this disclosure did not go well, I have 100% faith that you would carry on with your dignity intact because you are simply that strong. I am also really happy to see such an intelligent, thoughtful post by a guy. I wonder if there are more men out there who hide, afraid to ask questions or communicate because it will undermine conventional notions of masculinity (and this statement is very heteronormative of me, since it ignores the perspective and experiences of gay men - I'm sorry!). Regardless, I really appreciate the diversity of perspective and it's wonderful to read a (straight) guy's experience.

I love this post! Congrats to you for finding a wonderful girl (and she's lucky to have found you!). I truly respect, admire, and appreciate how you approached dating, communication, and a relationship in a calm, honest, and thoughtful manner.

Dear SJJ, I have tremendous respect for you. At 20, you are showing sensitivity and awareness and are engaging in self-reflection and self-analysis. You are dealing with a difficult situation with tremendous grace and courage and I applaud you! I am 32 and I was diagnosed with HSV-2 in April too. We all have bad days. On bad days, I acknowledge the sadness and frustration and fear. I made a deal with myself - on bad days, I will eat that pint of ice cream, watch crappy romantic comedies, and wallow in self-pity. But, after one day, I have to slap myself out of it. I journal. I write letters to myself. I listen to music that makes me feel better. Are you dating yourself? After my diagnosis in April, I was sad. I cried. I felt hopeless. Obviously, I was in no condition to date anyone or have sex with anyone. So I decided to make peace with myself. I started volunteering. I read books that I enjoyed. I made new friends. I took up a new hobby. Rather than attempt to date, I made a concerted effort to find new friends and I sought to surround myself with a group of inspiring people (I moved to a new city for work so I needed to do this and it's always hard). I started to feel more calm, more secure, and even happy. (Basically, I asked myself, "what would Adrial do?" I imagine Adrial would embark on a process of self-empowerment. He would practice patience. He would teach himself to stop trying to control things he has no control over. He also probably meditates and practices yoga and eats really healthy, but I decided not to be that ambitious.) Dating yourself is really helpful. It will not solve all your problems. It still sucks that you will have to disclose. It still sucks that your friends and college acquaintances are seemingly engaged in fun, casual sex with no consequences. BUT it will give you a sense of identity that is not tied to sex or dating. I hope you realize how amazing you truly are. You have a big, open heart. And, maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but someday, a special man (hell, men!) will come along who appreciates it and recognizes your strength. How do I know this? Because, in the process of trying to find new friends, I met women who have H and they all have had partners (including husbands) while diagnosed with H! Lots of love to you girl.

Oh dear JalapenoCupcakes, you are my kind of lady. First, your username involves two food items that I absolutely adore. Second, you clearly approach life with a sense of humor. Your post reminds me of me. Our thoughts and perspectives are so similar in so many ways. I hope I can share with you some of the wisdom that was passed onto me: 1) Stop punishing yourself. Undoubtedly, you are an intelligent, rational woman. You probably had friends who cautioned you about the gentleman. You carefully analyzed all objective, available data and...you didn't make a calculated, mechanical decision. You were human, in love and full of passion. Please don't beat yourself up. Clear, rational decisions are easily made when it doesn't involve your emotions and your heart. I hope this experience does not deter you from opening your heart to another in the future. 2) It is okay to grieve. Please make time to be sad. Let yourself be sad! You loved this man. He is no longer there. Your heart is breaking and that is totally normal. Allow yourself to fully grieve, to be sad, angry etc. Experience the full gamut of emotions. If you don't permit yourself to feel these emotions, you will find it significantly more difficult to recover and move forward. 3) There are things you can control and everything else is speculation. After my diagnosis, the man who I was emotionally attached to started dating someone else. That started a torturous process of questioning, over-analysis and speculation. Why did he does this? Why did he do that? What was the significance of this action? What caused him to do that action? It was exhausting. My amazing boss and mentor gave me some great advice. There are things in my control. I can change those things in my control. Everything else has to be released into the world. Release and let go of the many things in the life you CANNOT control, the things that you have NO influence over. I started identifying all the things in my life over which I have no control. And for those things, I am learning to let go. But this is a slow process. It took me three months to get here! Be sad. Be angry. But I am fairly confident that you will overcome this difficult chapter in your life. And I certainly hope you don't settle for a boring, mundane "grandma" life.

This is perfect. Love love love the awareness and self-reflection and I am inspired by it!

YAY! I can feel the love radiating from you in this post. I love the mixture of self-confidence and raw honesty. Wishing you the very best Nigella! I hope all goes well with the gentleman. And, just as importantly, I am so glad you gave your friend the courage to come forward and open up. No one should ever feel that lonely and isolated.

He sounds like a bully because he exploited you and then lashed out at you when you were in a vulnerable position. Like most bullies, I bet he has low self-esteem. In the book "The Good News about the Bad News", the author, Terri Warren, writes that when she is counseling discordant couples (one is H positive, the other is not), the people who have a really hard time handling herpes are usually the ones whose identity is defined or dependent on sex. Do you think this guy needs constant female attention? Needs sex to feel powerful and validated? Maybe that's why he rejected you when you disclosed to him. He felt that herpes threatened his identity. In some ways, I bet he's scared that you might say or do something that will screw up his mojo! You can take the "power" away from him. The more you stand up to him, the more confident you become, the more secure you are, the more insecure and threatened he will feel. Maybe he will start telling people about your H status. But hey, he gave it to you without disclosing! Hold your head up high girl. Just realize that this guy is probably as scared of herpes and you, as you are of him.

James, you are hilarious! I love all of your posts. You remind me of one of my good friends. When I disclosed to him and then despaired that I would be alone forever, he just stared at me, mouth agape, with a look on his face. "What the hell? Get a grip! It's only herpes."

Oh domh21, I am so sorry that you feel so shaken by this man. It makes me sad because I have read your other posts and you are a kind, loving person with a big heart. I am really proud that you stood your ground and didn't flee the minute you saw him at that car wash! I mean, a girl has got to get a car wash, right? We can't stop living our lives because of some guy. One time, I was walking with a friend. We were talking, but suddenly I went quiet. I started breathing rapidly. My friend got alarmed and asked if I was all right. Basically, I panicked because I thought I saw the guy from whom I contracted herpes. It wasn't him, but, clearly, the prospect of meeting the guy again caused me to freak out. I've thought a lot about my reaction since then. Brenda and Adrial have both written that our feelings about herpes are often tied to bigger emotions and experiences associated with H. I associate H with rejection. When I found out that I contracted herpes, my thought was "okay, he has H (he was part of the 80% of the population who has no idea), I have H...we can have H together!" But he picked someone else and that, coupled with herpes, devastated me. I felt rejected and abandoned. But, honestly, he was going to pick some other girl regardless of herpes, I just associate the two in my mind. So I wonder if you react so adversely to this man because he is emblematic of a bigger emotion or problem for you? You mention that you had a bad on-again-off-again relationship with the guy. Did you two have trust issues? I hope you can identify the reason he has such a hold over you. I bet herpes is just one (small) part of the equation.

Brace yourselves! (Winter is coming, j/k, Game of Thrones joke.) This post is super long. Adrial inspired me to write this post where I pose the question to all of you – are you worth it? Inevitably, all of us will confront the possibility that we may transmit herpes to a partner or significant other. We can all take steps to minimize that risk, but it remains. What follows is the usual delightful mix of feelings – shame, guilt, sadness, and a lot more guilt. The other day, I thought to myself, “what if I meet a really great guy? But then, later on, it doesn’t work out and we break up. Is it worth the risk of transmitting herpes to a really wonderful guy?” Then I thought of the larger question, “am I worth it? Am I worth the risk of herpes for a guy?” What’s so interesting to me is that I could easily answer that question for a friend. I have so many extraordinary, wonderful friends who enrich my life. I am grateful they are part of my world and they have given my life meaning and significance. If there was a risk of contracting a relatively minor viral infection from one of them, would I take that risk? Without hesitation, I can say “absolutely!” But when it comes to me, I hesitate. I add qualifiers – “well, maybe I’m worth it.” This is part of the process. I know I need to get myself to the point where I say “damn it, I am worth it!” But the question “are you worth it” doesn’t stop with herpes and romantic relationships. I realize that this question has followed me my entire life. Whether it is applying for college, applying for grad school, or applying for a job, the implicit, underlying question is always – are you worth it? The entire point of an interview is for me to demonstrate that damn it, I am worth it! I am worth the salary, the benefits, and the opportunity. And now, at age 32 and starting out in my career, I am consistently confronted with the challenge of showing my clients, my colleagues, and members of my profession that I am worth it. Shortly after I was diagnosed with HSV2, I disclosed to my boss. She is one of my biggest supporters (personally and professionally) and one of my closest friends. Our conversation, unsurprisingly, turned to questions of self-worth and self-confidence. In our profession, reputation is everything. One way to build a reputation is to take ownership of one’s accomplishments and skills and to unabashedly assert those accomplishments and skills at opportune moments. We discussed how hard it is for some women to do this. I can’t speak for all women, but she and I are more reserved about the issue of flaunting our accomplishments and abilities. And we’ve met many other women who feel the same way. We’re afraid of looking too aggressive, too arrogant, too controlling – the classic stereotype of an out of control bitch (for reference, see how Hillary Clinton was demeaned and criticized at different points in her extraordinary career). What I realized is that to move onto the next phase of my career, to progress and build my reputation, I needed to stand up tall, look someone in the eye, and confidently proclaim “I am worth it. I am smart, capable, savvy and one of the best.” Easier said than done right? But I have to tell you, as I get older and wiser, I am actually starting to believe I’m worth it. I am starting to hone my skills in areas where I know I excel. I am seeking out opportunities that capitalize on my strengths. I am doing work every day that gives my life purpose and direction. All of this is slowly building my confidence. I hope all of you will start to find the things in your life that give you confidence. Trust me, each of you is good at something. As time passes and we gain more confidence and wisdom, as we approach every person with lots of compassion and love, I hope each of us will start to say “damn it, I am worth it!” And now, back to herpes – my goal is to slowly, but sincerely, work towards genuine acceptance. I want to be genuinely believe that I am worth the risk of transmission. I think there is a myth that, suddenly, you wake up one day and spring forward as a fully-formed, enlightened human being free of sadness or self-doubt. It’s a process. I take it one step at a time. And I hope you will too. :)

Dear Danielle, Reading your post, I can understand why this guy is crazy for you! You are very sincere and honest in your expressions. What I appreciate most about your post is how self-aware you are - you know what your weaknesses and limitations are and you are committed to working on those things. You are humble and that is humbling. Regardless of how it works out with this particular guy, I hope you realize how much stronger and braver you are because of it!

Brenda and Lelani, I have drawn so much strength and inspiration from your words. I have gone back and read almost all of your posts and comments! Lelani, I think of you when I am bars or in other social situations. You are so confident, so sensuous, so sexy! I draw a deep breath and think "it's okay to flirt! I'm not repulsive!" I try to channel my inner Lelani. Brenda, I remember a particular moment when I read one of your posts. You said something along the lines of "damn it, I'm worth it! I'm not lowering my standards because of herpes!" I paused, sat up straight, and for the first time (I think, ever, in my life) thought to myself "hmmm, maybe I'm worth it too." There are still moments of insecurity. Today, I was walking to work and thought "what if I passed herpes onto a really great guy? And things didn't work out between us? Could I live with that guilt?" Then I reflected on your words Brenda. Maybe, just maybe, I am worth that risk. And maybe I have to learn to let go, to release that desire to control how people react to herpes. I'm not ready to date. But all of you have made me a bit stronger, a bit more whole, and definitely more mindful and reflective.

Adrial, I think I can speak on behalf of the Interwebz when I say that many of our lives are enriched by YOU. You have built a love-filled, life-affirming community. You live your life with purpose and you are an inspiration to all of us. You have urged us to reflect and to be conscious; I am forever grateful.

Dear Atlantic, I decided to stop lurking and create an account for the singular purpose of responding to your post. I am not dating and I am newly diagnosed, so I have no words of wisdom and comfort for you on this particular subject. But I've followed your posts and observed you enter a relationship where you bravely disclosed H to a new partner. I am in my mid-thirties and also navigating the complicated process of dating at this age. You do not know me. We have never met. I am another anonymous stranger on the Internet. But I rejoiced when you found the right man to disclose to and cheered when he accepted you. Throughout your posts, I have rooted for you; I have hoped for the very best; and I have grown to love you, like I love so many other people on this forum (who all happen to have posted on this thread too!). You have always displayed empathy, compassion, and thoughtfulness in your posts; you have consistently engaged in sincere self-reflection. If an anonymous stranger on the Internet can respect your opinions and love your character, then I am sure a man in real life will too. I think H was an interesting wake up call for me. I am smart, accomplished, and have a fantastic career. I am surrounded by friends and family who love and adore me. Yet, I found myself seeking validation and affirmation from men. Validation through dating, through sex, through attention, etc. Why should a person's opinion of me (whether I'm attractive, worth a date, worth sex) determine how I feel about myself? But that's all easier said than done. It's hard, I know. At this age, it feels like everyone is getting married and living happily ever after. But I've decided, before I start dating again, I need a firm foundation for me - I need to be confident and assured in my character, my integrity, my principles, so another man's perspective of me won't impact how I view myself. Herpes certainly complicates things. But it is not fatal to my sense of self-worth. I don't know if this is your situation, but this is mine. Your posts, as well as the posts of so many others on this forum, have guided me through my own process. You have an enormous impact on people, which you probably don't even realize. I know that you will attract smart, kind, reflective men who will recognize your fantastic qualities. (It's so much easier to say this about other people, than about yourself, right?!) I am rooting for you everday. You are not alone.