Anewme

Indigoway: It has been four years. I rarely come here anymore. I don’t know if you’ll get this but I hope you’re doing better. As for the man you asked me about. He’s gone from my life. He did not want a commitment. Gradually he revealed who he really is, not bad, just that he was not what I wanted in my life. He pursued me insincerely for nearly two years, when I wouldn’t give in he tried to insult me with my herpes status and said he would never marry me. I can tell you, that did not hurt at all. I said to him, I am the author of who I am, and not an object for your use. I kept the text. Here is part of it: “I understand your intention and purpose was to inflict pain, to wound, to harm and to shame. You did not accomplish any of those instead you magnified this notion that when people show you who they are believe them. My value and worth is not determined by your opinion or judgements of me. Furthermore, I am the author of who I am, and my beauty, sweetness, softness and intelligence will remain and thrive because nothing of who I am is determined, or authored by you. This is my benediction. Please don’t ever contact me again. If you do I will block you.” He did contact me with an apology. But regardless. I am ok.

Thank you for sharing. It is a very harsh reality. For over 30 years I’ve lived with herpes. I was in my early 20s. I lived in denial for a long time, got married and it was during that time I admitted and accepted. I remained married for 16 years. No transmission. I left the marriage for many reasons but encountered having it thrown in my face during an argument unrelated to herpes. I have been divorced for 15 years I’ve dated disclosed and encountered both acceptance and rejection. Some because of herpes other because they didn’t want a commitment. I see myself as valuable, loving and good. Yet I am always cognizant that I might be rejected for any reason including herpes. That I could never become accustomed to. I’m still open to love still.

I understand your hurt, anger and confusion. My compassion goes out to you. I have herpes virus simplex 2 so I understand shame and fear. You see Dearinggreatly, I had believed and accepted the stigma about the virus even before I was infected and diagnosed. Gradually, I understood that feelings of anger and hurt, in my experience, were my defenses. I needed them. Or I thought I did. After all they are natural to our existence. I expected rejection at disclosure so I refrained from telling selected partners. At the core, my thinking were thoughts like, “who would want me” “this is nasty” and so on. I wasn’t saying these out loud, no, but I believed them, at the core of me. So, when I felt vulnerable I used my anger and hurt because they helped me to attack the vulnerability that shame and rejection (or the thought of it) made me feel. I am learning that my emotions inform me of something. I am learning a different way to address and cope. I search for ways (reading books like Daring Greatly by Brene Brown, The Path to Love, by Deepak Chopra, reading the materials from this forum, looking at videos to find the courage to look at what my fears, anger and hurt tells me. But most importantly I am learning how to go inside myself and practice stillness, and compassion and love for myself. This is an ongoing process for me. I am learning as I am living with herpes infection. And finally, I have accepted that I cannot control what another person thinks, why they think it, and certainly not how they react when I disclose. I am compassionate of anyone who lives fearfully, because I have, and in some ways still do. But fear contributes to our sufferings so to overcome we must face the fears. I am choosing to rid myself of my self-imposed prison of fear and shame, by making important shifts in the way I think and view herpes infection. This new attitude and perspective is helping me to gradually live a life of honesty, courage, compassion and love. It is a challenge but it is my goal. Be well. Beverly

Hi Indigoway I am copying and pasting this response to you from discussion my thread. I hope you might find it helpful. Indigoway, I am so HAPPY to hear from you. Thank you for your comments and for sharing your experience of love, your journey and your pain. My understanding and compassion I offer to you. In my experience, I have found that too often I did not offer myself enough compassion, yet I hoped that if someone offered theirs to me it would help me to see myself as good and valuable. In that regard, I have begun to make a shift in my thinking. I know I am valuable and good even without the compassion and approval of others. Yet, I am so glad when others bless me with their kindness because it helps to create a beautiful world for us to live in. I understand the fear and shame I had of my herpes infection. I have begun to debunk them, starting with my core beliefs of the infection. Herpes is a skin rash, a virus, not a negative judgement or evidence of who I am. Neither does it rob me of the beauty and value inherent in me. I gave it that power before. No more. I made mistakes, believing the lies of herpes stigma all these years. I had accepted the stigma for myself. Not anymore. Now I treat myself with compassion, kindness, forgiveness, truth and love. Setting the stage that others might do the same. Putting things into their correct perspective, here are some wonderful ways I have LIVED despite herpes infection. I have seen the beauties and wonders of the world. I have laughed and been happy. I have made love, had orgasm, and felt joy. I gave birth to 3 healthy, non-infected children who are now 10, 18, and 24. I was married for over 14 years, never used a condom and he was never infected. I have loved and have been loved. I have shown and been shown compassion and kindness, love, goodness and joy. I have completed a bachelor, and two master’s degrees. I have been a social worker and now works as a teacher. Just think Indigoway of all the beauty and goodness you’ve contributed to the world. Don’t rob yourself of the truth. I withheld my sexual status out of fear but I have corrected that MISTAKE. Show yourself understanding and compassion. I have and it feels good to do so. I have come out of the darkness and into the light. These are the decisions and choices I am making, starting with my thinking followed by action. More good news. That man I spoke of, after disclosing he has texts me, and called me often. He asked me out. I declined simply because I was too busy and too tired to go out on a school night. He works two jobs on the weekend so our schedules conflicts a lot. He treats me as I am: a person. He behaves as he believes he is: kind, compassionate and loving. I am glad for who he is, which enables a comfortable friendship with him. He is not focused on herpes, just living. See what can happen when we face our fears. It is what I have chosen to do, and how I have finally chosen to live my life. I believe the truth of who I am, not the shame people have assigned to herpes, and certainly not how someone choose to behave towards me after I disclose. I will no longer, or ever again, believe any negative label (deceitful, unethical) someone might call me. I have liberated myself from my self-imposed prison of fear and shame. This is my journey, my life, my purpose, it is to be comfortable with myself and to be happy. I wish the same for you, always. Beverly

Indigoway, I am so HAPPY to hear from you. Thank you for your comments and for sharing your experience of love, your journey and your pain. My understanding and compassion I offer to you. In my experience, I have found that too often I did not offer myself enough compassion, yet I hoped that if someone offered theirs to me it would help me to see myself as good and valuable. In that regard, I have begun to make a shift in my thinking. I know I am valuable and good even without the compassion and approval of others. Yet, I am so glad when others bless me with their kindness because it helps to create a beautiful world for us to live in. I understand the fear and shame I had of my herpes infection. I have begun to debunk them, starting with my core beliefs of the infection. Herpes is a skin rash, a virus, not a negative judgement or evidence of who I am. Neither does it rob me of the beauty and value inherent in me. I gave it that power before. No more. I made mistakes, believing the lies of herpes stigma all these years. I had accepted the stigma for myself. Not anymore. Now I treat myself with compassion, kindness, forgiveness, truth and love. Setting the stage that others might do the same. Putting things into their correct perspective, here are some wonderful ways I have LIVED despite herpes infection. I have seen the beauties and wonders of the world. I have laughed and been happy. I have made love, had orgasm, and felt joy. I gave birth to 3 healthy, non-infected children who are now 10, 18, and 24. I was married for over 14 years, never used a condom and he was never infected. I have loved and have been loved. I have shown and been shown compassion and kindness, love, goodness and joy. I have completed a bachelor, and two master’s degrees. I have been a social worker and now works as a teacher. Just think Indigoway of all the beauty and goodness you’ve contributed to the world. Don’t rob yourself of the truth. I withheld my sexual status out of fear but I have corrected that MISTAKE. Show yourself understanding and compassion. I have and it feels good to do so. I have come out of the darkness and into the light. These are the decisions and choices I am making, starting with my thinking followed by action. More good news. That man I spoke of, after disclosing he has texts me, and called me often. He asked me out. I declined simply because I was too busy and too tired to go out on a school night. He works two jobs on the weekend so our schedules conflicts a lot. He treats me as I am: a person. He behaves as he believes he is: kind, compassionate and loving. I am glad for who he is, which enables a comfortable friendship with him. He is not focused on herpes, just living. See what can happen when we face our fears. It is what I have chosen to do, and how I have finally chosen to live my life. I believe the truth of who I am, not the shame people have assigned to herpes, and certainly not how someone choose to behave towards me after I disclose. I will no longer, or ever again, believe any negative label (deceitful, unethical) someone might call me. I have liberated myself from my self-imposed prison of fear and shame. This is my journey, my life, my purpose, it is to be comfortable with myself and to be happy. I wish the same for you, always. Beverly

I dated a man on and off for 18 months and never disclosed my herpes status. We parted ways because he did not want a committed relationship. After seven months, he returned. We are not going to be together because he still doesn't want a committed relationship. But I care about him very much. So, I disclosed. He said that I should have told him. He is right. He was kind and compassionate. I had to tell him because it hurt too much to keep this a secret from him any longer. It hurt most because I didn't tell him from the beginning. Still, for me I have lived too long in secret, in silence, in shame, in fear of rejection and judgement, and in denial of this infection. During the relationship, I told myself that as long as I did not have any active outbreaks I would be keeping him safe. My shame and fear was so powerful that it over road my internal moral dictates to disclose. I've reached my threshold and I can no longer live in that painful, secret, shameful, fearful place. I am worried about him. I am worried that he is worried that he could be infected. I am worried whether he is and doesn't know it. This is all so very painful for me that I have caused him to worry. I sent him this factsheet from the CDC https://www.cdc.gov/std/herpes/stdfact-herpes-detailed.htm and a few videos: one from Kirsty Spraggon, TedTalk, Ella Dawson, TedTalk, and finally one with Dr. Peter Leone, MD answering question with a group from YouTube. The aftermath is an emotionally and physically painful journey that I’ve just began. My mood is very low. My back and stomach ache. And I had insomnia most of the night after telling him. As much as I’m trying to keep my thoughts positive it is a challenge. I am trying to practice self-compassion and forgiveness but I just need to know that he’s ok. I don't know how else to handle this for him or myself beyond this point. This is a most difficult lesson to learn to ALWAYS practice the values I believe in, no matter how difficult it might be to be vulnerable. Doing the right thing is truly the best practice because it allows love to be an action that presides over, and go before, shame or fear.