Dear Beverly,
I'm sorry it took me so long to write back, as I've been dealing with the excruciating emotional aftermath of being discarded by a man I was deeply in love with and thought loved me in return equally, only to be exacerbated by hurricane Irma flying over my head in Florida leaving me without power for a week, and an overwhelming mess to clean up. I went through my darkest hours and never felt so horribly alone, depressed and hopeless despite having family stay with me during the storm itself.
I was hoping he would have a shred of concern over my wellbeing post storm knowing I had a house to deal with by myself, but I never heard from him....a clear sign he doesn't care and is finished. The relationship we build that was so loving and strong, but it did not matter, nor make a difference. I am devastated!
Thank you so much for responding to my letter and offering me such warm compassion and understanding. Thank you also for sharing with me your personal life journey dealing with the herpes; facing fear, judgments and the courage it took you to come out of that painful secret place to lead a rich full life, and finding self forgiveness. This has been so soothing and hopeful to read. I'm so happy for your good news!!!!
Your experience and emotions resonate so much with me. I too had a long term marriage of 20 years, and had two healthy children that are H free. I found out I had H the first time when I was pregnant with my oldest child. I did not blame my husband since he didn't know if he had it or not. Once he confirmed that he had the virus, I never felt angry or hurt, neither one of us knew were it came from and we dealt with it by educating ourselves in a healthy way. It was never an issue....albeit we both had it.
I too have traveled the world, have an education ,a successful career, loved and been loved, and felt tremendous joy. Always keeping my herpes virus a shameful dirty secret, that I would disclose when I felt it was safe to. Luckily no one contracted it from me.
My relationships to this man became intimate very quickly then grew to a deep loving friendship and mutual intellectual attraction. The more it grew, the more fearful I became revealing my sexual condition. Then the more awful I felt because I wasn't being transparent and going against my own moral judgement. In hindsight, I realize from his actions that he is a principle driven person that was very rigid in his thinking and not whiling to compromise easily. I don't know that he will ever contact me again. I continue to be worried and consumed not knowing weather he contracted the virus from me and if he's ok. I struggle with wanting to contact him, write a letter of apology, regret, but fear more rejection. I think maybe I should wait till his anger subsides but I don't want to feel rejected and discarded all over again.
Did you write your man an apology letter? How long did it take him to process this and contact you again?
I am a weepy basket case trying to put closure on this.....
In the mean time, I vow to deal with my fear issues and I'm now seeking professional counseling. Perhaps this will be my final painful lesson!
Thank you so much again for sharing your story. It gives me hope and inspiration.
Wishing you much peace, joy and love,
Namaste,
Indigoway
Indigoway