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Everything posted by Indigoway

  1. Dear CM, We will get through this! Yes we are human, we all have skeletons in the closet and make mistakes out of fear and suffer the consequences with painful lessons. Like the beautiful post by Anewme, we need to forgive ourselves with compassion and understanding. Make the darkness of fear and the negative stigma of this condition come to light and realize that it's not the shameful story that we've been told and continue telling ourselves. With peace and compassion.... Indigoway
  2. Dear Beverly, I'm sorry it took me so long to write back, as I've been dealing with the excruciating emotional aftermath of being discarded by a man I was deeply in love with and thought loved me in return equally, only to be exacerbated by hurricane Irma flying over my head in Florida leaving me without power for a week, and an overwhelming mess to clean up. I went through my darkest hours and never felt so horribly alone, depressed and hopeless despite having family stay with me during the storm itself. I was hoping he would have a shred of concern over my wellbeing post storm knowing I had a house to deal with by myself, but I never heard from him....a clear sign he doesn't care and is finished. The relationship we build that was so loving and strong, but it did not matter, nor make a difference. I am devastated! Thank you so much for responding to my letter and offering me such warm compassion and understanding. Thank you also for sharing with me your personal life journey dealing with the herpes; facing fear, judgments and the courage it took you to come out of that painful secret place to lead a rich full life, and finding self forgiveness. This has been so soothing and hopeful to read. I'm so happy for your good news!!!! Your experience and emotions resonate so much with me. I too had a long term marriage of 20 years, and had two healthy children that are H free. I found out I had H the first time when I was pregnant with my oldest child. I did not blame my husband since he didn't know if he had it or not. Once he confirmed that he had the virus, I never felt angry or hurt, neither one of us knew were it came from and we dealt with it by educating ourselves in a healthy way. It was never an issue....albeit we both had it. I too have traveled the world, have an education ,a successful career, loved and been loved, and felt tremendous joy. Always keeping my herpes virus a shameful dirty secret, that I would disclose when I felt it was safe to. Luckily no one contracted it from me. My relationships to this man became intimate very quickly then grew to a deep loving friendship and mutual intellectual attraction. The more it grew, the more fearful I became revealing my sexual condition. Then the more awful I felt because I wasn't being transparent and going against my own moral judgement. In hindsight, I realize from his actions that he is a principle driven person that was very rigid in his thinking and not whiling to compromise easily. I don't know that he will ever contact me again. I continue to be worried and consumed not knowing weather he contracted the virus from me and if he's ok. I struggle with wanting to contact him, write a letter of apology, regret, but fear more rejection. I think maybe I should wait till his anger subsides but I don't want to feel rejected and discarded all over again. Did you write your man an apology letter? How long did it take him to process this and contact you again? I am a weepy basket case trying to put closure on this..... In the mean time, I vow to deal with my fear issues and I'm now seeking professional counseling. Perhaps this will be my final painful lesson! Thank you so much again for sharing your story. It gives me hope and inspiration. Wishing you much peace, joy and love, Namaste, Indigoway Indigoway
  3. I feel your pain! your well expressed letter and words describe exactly how I felt about my h, feel at the moment and what just happened to me. Only in my case after finally disclosing my h, in the same manner you described, to the man I loved and was building a strong relationship with for the last 11 months, he discarded me immediately in anger told me this was a deal breaker in our relationship, that I was selfish and unethical. He walked out and left taking all his things in a hurry. This happened 3 days ago. I have not wanted to reach out to him with support information and articles since he told me anything I had to say was just more selfish excuses. I'm sure he went to get tested immediately, and I too want to know that he's ok. but I'm afraid my contacting him will only cause him more anger and pain. I am beside myself with shame, worry for him and grief! You are so right about this difficult lesson!!! Well said Anewme.
  4. Hello-I am new to this site but not new to H, I've had H for years with rare outbreaks. I've been deathly ashamed of this, and experienced both rejection and acceptance in the past when disclosing. To this day none of my previous partners claimed to have gotten H from me. I met a man 10 months ago and the relationship that started out as friends quickly grew to a very strong, honest loving caring romantic one. He was quick to want sex without a condom-never raised the STD questions and I, out of shame and fear this time did not disclose my condition when I should have. I wanted him to know me without the horrible stigma of H and without passing judgment. Our relationship grew, we fell in love, I shared every personal detail of my life except the big H-still out of incredible shame. I harbored this enormous monster knowing I had to tell him sooner or later, but the time just went by. He found the medicine bottle 3 days ago and googled what it was for before asking me, I came clean and told him. Needless to say he was extremely upset, said I was selfish and unethical and this was the relationship deal breaker. I explained the disease to him and the motives for my lack of disclosing it earlier. He packed his things and walked out of my life. I am devastated!!! I feel incredibly disgusted with my self-guilty, ashamed and remorseful for not disclosing it earlier, for the fear he may have contracted it from me, and for loosing what I believe was the love of my life, someone who I could build a lasting future with. I am heartbroken beating myself up, and just want to crawl in a cave and die. All the fears of rejection that kept me from disclosing it earlier came true. I am in so much emotional pain over this, I am paralyzed and don't know how can I move forward. I thought about emailing him acknowledging his anger and pain, sharing information but I know it's best not to as he needs space to digest the blow I just gave him. I fear I will run into him at the gym or the grocery store. I don't know what to do. Any comments would help. Thank you!
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