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annalove

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annalove last won the day on May 31

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  1. @becominganewme I think i understand where you are coming from here. The thing is...your 20s (especially early twenties) are for experimenting, fucking new people if you feel like it, making mistakes and learning from them. I was never one to be real promiscuous but I do feel as though contracting HSV in my late twenties meant I did get to fuck around some and have some great and some not so great sexual encounters. I learned a lot about my sexuality from those partners and I think maybe that’s what you mean by “normal”...you feel you may miss out on those opportunities because of herpes The fact of the matter is, you don’t have to stop doing that, but you should always disclose. Does that really suck? Yeah. It definitely does. But unless you go to a super small college, in a super small town, you can still do the Tinder thing, you can still do the frat party thing, you can still disclose to whoever you want and see what happens. I haven’t disclosed to any guys in their early 20s, certainly no college guys. But you may find there are more accepting partners than you think. It’s a new world we live in today. Any guy who turns you down and then spreads private information about you will only show his true colors as a complete asshole. Will there be ignorant people who pass judgment on you, maybe. But you need to become comfortable with the fact that honesty should always trump staying in your comfort zone.
  2. @Jules1967 I think we all empathize with your feelings behind not wanting to use the terms disease and infection. Shit none of us want to think of ourselves or to have other feel as though we are a walking infection. That being said I agree that “immunity” isn’t the right word. There are other ways to accurately describe being HSV positive that don’t include those trigger words. Also just want to to comment on your statement that you don’t like to use infection or disease because it makes it sound like you are a “walking blister”. While it’s great you don’t have outbreaks very often, I do hope you understand and have come to terms with the fact that you could realistically at any point expose someone, and therefore we all are to some extent walking blisters lol. We should all know about viral shedding and no medication will ever give you 100% certainly that the virus is dormant. You stated you educate your partners on the facts about being herpes positive, but your aversion to using words like infection and disease worries me that maybe you yourself haven’t fully comes to terms with the reality of what it means to be HSV positive. While our gut reaction is always to downplay and protect ourselves, it’s important to state the facts as accurately and clearly as possible.
  3. @Michgirl73 I totally get it. Disclosing isn’t easy but for me the first few were the scariest and it gets easier and easier every time. I tend to disclose over text if it’s someone I’m only interested in casually. I’ve disclosed in person as well...that was much more difficult emotionally and mentally. But again a wonderful learning and growing opportunity. Feel free to let me know if you have any questions! @Fmals I have a standing prescription. I keep some on hand in case I want to use it and also I’m case I meet someone I’m interested in and want to start taking it in preparation for having sex. To each their own though
  4. Interesting...I see how this works as you being “immune” to herpes has only occurred because you have already acquired it. I guess my only worry with this type of disclosure is that to me, it seems like a game of semantics. Using words like immunity might confuse them and lead to them not really understanding what you are telling them. It sounds like you’re being careful in explaining they can acquire HSV from you, that’s important and hopefully helps clear and question marks up. Personally I've used “I was exposed to herpes and am now a carrier”. It allows me to explain without using those trigger words like STD or infected.
  5. @Fmals of course! I find it’s important for my journey to continue to post even if it’s not as frequent. Happy to help as much as I can! To be honest I’ve never had a stereotypical outbreak. I’ve read a lot of stores about painful initial outbreaks, luckily I haven’t dealt with that. I didn’t even notice anything was off other than a small cut and was diagnosed by swab from that. I’m not in a relationship and don’t have a steady sexual partner so I’m also choosing to not take any sort of daily medication. Every couple of months I would say I get a small sore, it’s pretty regular still for me. But I take medication for a few days and it goes away. Causes very very minimal discomfort. I do hope over the years I’ll see a decrease with maybe only one or two tiny sores a year. But as for right now the pop up every now and then isn’t a huge deal as I’m not sexually active super often and I’ve made the choice I don’t want any more medication in my body than is absolutely necessary.
  6. I just passed my two year anniversary of my HSV diagnosis. I can’t believe another year has gone by. Ive used this site less and less over the two years. Not because I don’t find it helpful, but because as time goes on my HSV weighs on my mind less and less. To those new to this is does get better, if you let it. Work on accepting your new circumstances and try to recognize it changes nothing about you. For me it also helped to put herpes in perspective and compare it to other possible circumstances. Or ask myself if I could never travel again but I got rid of my herpes, would I take that trade? For me the answer was usually no. It showed me that the things I enjoy and value in life are still there and still important. Herpes isn’t a reason to stop living. Early on I was blessed with counseling and it helped immensely. I have sought and received wisdom and advise from many people on here who have been going through this way longer than myself. If you’re struggling reach out to other members. Respond to their posts. If you wonder about something in particular, how someone overcame disclosure or a rejection, it doesn’t hurt to reach out. One thing I will admit is I still have my good and bad days. Just the other day I had a wonderful disclosure to a guy on tinder through message. He asked a bunch of questions, seemed very open minded, thanked me for my honesty, even asked if I was interested in a casual situation. When I answered I would be if we met and there was chemistry, he unmatched me. Do I know why he unmatched me for sure? No. Do I think my disclosure played a big part. Totally. Did it hurt my feelings and plunge me back into that sad, lonely, self stigmatized place for a couple days? It did. But its a work in progress. All I can say to those of you struggling is that things can get better if you make the effort to work on it. Herpes does not make you a leper. People will still want to sleep with you. Im still figuring some of this stuff out myself. And possibly always will be. But I can say without a doubt herpes has taught me I am FAR stronger than I ever imagined.
  7. In my opinion you havent done anything wrong, you didnt expose him in any way to the virus. The only thing that could maybe be considered insensitive is that you took your relationship to a physical level with him (which can also sometimes advance peoples feelings emotionally) without giving him all the information to your circumstances. He may have preferred he had that information mentally before he brought the relationship to any sort of physical level. But I wouldn't stress over it. And to answer your question dating does have an added level to it, but you most certainly can still date and get laid with herpes haha
  8. I have no idea if they do, but maybe contact your local Planned Parenthood or if there is a community clinic in your area contact them to see if they offer valtrex at a low or no cost to you. IMO if you don’t have health insurance you should definitely be signed up with a community clinic in case something does come up. For me I always feel better knowing I have a bottle of valtrex on hand in case I feel any tingling
  9. Sometimes i wonder if I’ll ever stop being angry at my giver. Unlike a lot of people I’m about 99% sure I know who gave me herpes. I take half the blame as I made the choice to not use a condom (even tho we did have a discussion about testing and being negative). But I am also pretty sure he knew he had herpes, and I also know he lied when I confronted him about being an escort in the past. He’s also lied about countless other things including having a gf while still trying to sleep with me. He just popped up on Tinder and I of course swiped left. But just today I noticed he messaged me on FB last week, I’m assuming after seeing my profile. It sickens me. It makes me feel like crap. I have so much anger at this person who I believe took away my choice and then lied to me about his history. I’m starting to think I need to get back into therapy as I maybe haven’t worked through as much of this as I thought I had. I’ve made so much progress toward acceptance of my circumstances, but seeing that message from him was a major trigger
  10. @J.L2018 sorry to hear he made some insensitive comments, but if you think hes a quality person it is more than likely coming from a place of misinformation and stigma. You never know how he will react to your information about being a carrier. I thought FOR SURE an ex long time partner of mine would be cruel and disgusted by my HSV-2. So much so I blocked his number for over a year and ignored his other attempts to reach after I was diagnosed. A couple months ago after he had reached out again (like the 4th different kind of attempt over a year long period at least) I finally disclosed to him. While he was shocked, he was also nice about it and said he would never spread that information, respected my choice to always disclose and thought it was great I was handling it as well as I was. But I could tell, he definitely was effected by the stigma and even said he would "kill someone who ruined his life that way". Then a few weeks ago he messaged me saying he doesnt care and still want to sleep with me. I havent done anything with him mostly because I know he isnt 100% comfortable with it. But it showed me that even someone who I KNOW has a major stigma about herpes, was willing to open their mind and somewhat come around to the idea. In my opinion, most people have a stigma about herpes until they know someone with it who they really care about, or who they REALLY want to sleep with lol. So you really never know. I would take a chance if I were you!
  11. @Tryingeveryday First thing I would recommend if you think this is someone you want to date is to disclose in person. As someone who also doesn't have a lot of in person disclosure experience, I can tell you a couple of the things that helped me prepare the first time I disclosed in person were to 1) practice how I wanted to say it (a lot) 2) I sort of prepped him to have this conversation, which basically just means I let him know the next time we hung out there was something I wanted to talk to him about. By practicing over and over again, I was able to omit phrasing and words that to me weren't coming off the right way. It can really make a difference to say the words out loud and think about the way they may be perceived. It was super important for me to present the information confidently, without apologizing for my situation and not projecting shame or sadness over it. Because when it comes down to it...it is what it is and its not changing... the more confident you are with it the less likely they are to catastrophize the situation. Also I felt the need to let him know I wanted to talk about something more serious beforehand. Idk for me it was an easier way to get to the discussion than trying to find a moment on a date where it would be the right time. Lets face it a lot of dates are fun, light, easy going. It can be hard to find a "serious talk" moment. It definitely is scary and I actually broke into tears after he left because I was so relieved to be over with it and proud I made it through lol. But if this is even a semi decent guy, the worst case scenario is he is a little quiet, standoffish and things dont go anywhere. I would say it is very unlikely to get any sort of bad reaction other than rejection. People respect honesty
  12. I’m now about a year and a half in...and I’m still finding myself struggling with anger towards my giver. If you’ve read any of my previous posts, you will know that I am pretty positive 1) who my giver was and 2) that he was aware he had it. I don’t think i would have this anger if i had no idea who had exposed me. But some days I feel this overwhelming fury towards him for taking away my choice. Another thing you might know about my story is this man was at one point a male escort and his now girlfriend has also prostituted herself recently. This is the other source of my anger. I want to expose him. I want to punish him since I have this life long punishment all from choosing to be with him. I take responsibility for my choice to not be 100% protected with him. But some days it just brings tears to my eyes knowing he goes on living his life, not being honest, continuing to expose people. While I make the opposite choice. It’s not fair. It’s not right. And I don’t know how to move on from this...
  13. Most of the time blood work will come back negative in the beginning. Takes awhile for the antivirals to build up in your system and until then bloodwork will be negative. The doctor didn’t do a culture swab to test for herpes when she saw the bumps? She just put you on an antiviral? Bad call on her part if so. Next steps would be to get blood work done again in maybe 6 months to be sure. If you are still negative I would say you probably don’t have herpes. Also, pictures won’t do you much good for a diagnosis. The only symptoms I’ve ever had are tiny cut like bumps. Only one at a time. Barely noticeable
  14. @Notgoingthere @Next step After reading a ton of articles and blogs, I’ve come up with a way that is comfortable for me to disclose. Of course if this is somebody that I am interested in dating, it’s a slightly different situation (preferably in person after we’ve been on a few dates and i have a feeling about them). But for the most part with my casual Bumble and Tinder experiences, I usually wait until the conversation is headed in the direction of “what type of situation are you looking for” or I look for an opportunity to discuss how I consider myself a very honest person. I also have very often asked the guy if they consider themselves open minded. Pretty much every time their response has been yes. It sort of primes them to be thinking of being open minded and they often follow up with “why do u ask”. I normally say something very blunt and short like “someone from my past exposed me to herpes and so I always let my prospective partners know that up front”. Their response is usually something like “oh wow really? I’m so sorry about that” and maybe they follow up with a question. First things first, if there is any sort of pity from them, I shut that down real fast. I make sure they know that for me it isnt a big deal. In my experience, it really is true that a person takes your lead on how to react to something. If you catastrophize it, they will too. If you speak with confidence and downplay its significance, they will often follow. I hope I haven’t made my disclosure experiences sound fun, easy or super successful lol. The fact is the first real rejection I got, from a guy I met on Tinder and who initially said he was ok with it only to change his mind, was super devastating. Like I had to go home from work early devastating lol. I didn’t even really like this guy, like even as a person lol, but i was still crushed. I’ve had guys not respond after i told them, I’ve had guys say they are cool with it and change their mind or slowly stop responding. But I’ve also had guys be totally cool with it. And even a guy I’ve connected with recently has said my blunt honesty is a HUGE turn on for him. So I’ve definitely had a mixed bad of experiences. You have to take the good with the bad unless you choose to be celibate for the rest of your life lol
  15. @Next step @mr_hopp is completely spot on with this; my advise...listen to him! I was blessed with some personal coaching sessions with him and he helped me immensely. It took me a good 6 months probably to stop completely obsessing over herpes and letting it ruin every day for me. Give yourself time to heal and really try to retrain your brain to think of this as a very minor inconvenience in the grand scheme of things. Disclosing was the scariest thing for me so I baby stepped into it. Once I started actively disclosing, owning my circumstance and stating it with confidence and with an air of “this is a very insignificant thing” I felt back to my old self and if anything, more confident than I was before. Not going to lie, starting to have sex again helped as well. But it most definitely wouldn’t have if I wasn’t disclosing to those partners.
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