Confused

Another good ending. I did this many months ago... the guilt and shame of not disclosing was the worst. I told him and whilst our long distance is proving difficult, his reaction was very similar. As we are open to dating other people, I have since told 4 other people ... straight up ... at a bar or on a second date and I'm pleased to say that I've never had the reaction that (in my head) I thought I was going to get. In fact, the worst reaction was someone who replied to my "I have to tell you something" and he said jokingly, "Don't tell me you have herpes!" ... to which I replied "Well yes". He knew nothing about it, we openly talked and I'm so proud that I have actually educated someone on herpes. He actually text me the other day (after our second date) to say he was reading about herpes on the net. I quickly sent him constructive links and I'm glad to have made a difference to our herpes world. Taking out the shame. Person by person. Well done GreenEyes87. It was brave. I know. We all know. xx

AGREED @WCSDancer!!! @Steven - oh god stay off Google and search engines. I went down a very deep hole with that behaviour and would spend hours - literally hours - freaking out about it, reading the horribleness (is that a word) of people... going further and further down a dark, deep hole. (Then I found this community!) It really is no big deal (I really should've got this in my head before my freak out) ... People who accept me for having herpes are actually compassionate people - people who understand that not everyone is perfect and try to understand just what herpes is (and isn't) That is exactly the quality I'm looking for in a person so you know, if I do get rejected in the future - well I don't want that person. I'm lucky that so far, DESPITE MY STUFF UP, this guy is sticking around... hell, not telling him would've been the sure-fire way to lose him and we all know that could've happened. Maybe it is maturity? I'm in my 30s ... but you know if someone wants to reject you for having it - they are not worth having in the first place. It really is so insignificant but it has taken me a few years to get to this place. I've gone from complete denial and fear and even most recently, as you can see from this post, I still screwed up but the blessing with this screw-up is that 1. yes, he is sticking by me and 2. he showed me it is insignificant and there are people out there accepting 3. not disclosing is the worst thing you can do to yourself - not just the other person. I often think whether my fear of rejection comes from whether I would have that same reaction - I knew nothing about herpes and you know, I think I would have freaked out too. But god help me, what herpes has also allowed me to be is more understanding and compassionate to anyone with any issue - especially an STD. I'm kinda glad that it has too ... who would want to be one of those other ignorant nasties on those websites? Thank god, I'm not one of them ... now. Stay strong.

I'm grateful for everything I have... = happiness. I'm grateful for having exciting possibilities ahead of me.

@It05... I know exactly how you feel. Afraid of the outcome ... the fear was what ended up paralysing me in the days after... and I should've just said it in the first place. I found it easier to write but if we were in the same city, I still would write everything down I wanted say (like a script) and then just say it. And hope for the best. Yeah, I just used up my lives, my luck, my Get out of Jail Free... and geez, did I beat myself about it before this. Things might not have worked out that way but I had to face those consequences head on. It's just not fair to make that decision for someone. It's wrong and yes, I had to clean up the mess. But most of all, it wasn't fair on him. Thank you to all for kicking me up the backside (as I lurked and read posts). And yes I am lucky but its also an example of when fearing the worst might not actually happen. There are guys and gals out there who are mature enough to handle this news and I should have known that before I took the risk with his health. He no doubt would have handled it the same way... I know some of you might not be as lucky as me... but maybe some of you will be. Be brave. From the beginning.

Well he is ok with it. He said herpes is not a big deal at all for him but yes, I should've told him and as adults we should've spoken about it. But he wants to continue what we have and is in fact, totally cool with it. Lesson learned. And I hope this post helps people as this forum has helped me over the past few days grow up and face what I had to do. Be brave. The alternative is not worth it. Thank you @whatsallthehubbub XX

So I made a big mistake too and have read the posts from people who have done the same stupid thing as me. And I want to write this to let people know that NOT DISCLOSING is not worth it. My tale... I met a wonderful guy online and flew to see him. In my head, I was ready to disclose, tell him upfront, be brave ... but when I met him, the fear of being rejected by him overrode everything. The more time I spent with him, the more the fear spoke to me over being rational. He is everything I could have dreamed of ... and more. I was staring at the "man of my dreams" literally ... Anyway, to cut a long story short, I slept with him and did not disclose. I did not want to be rejected by this wonderful man so chose to shut up and not say anything. Well, this is why we have a conscience. Since I have left him and flew back home, the memories of the time we had together have been consumed by an overwhelming sense of guilt. And yes I have read the tough love that @harrytheherp and @Dancer have given other similar posts and it is what has got me to face up to my wrongdoing today. Again the fear of rejection is overpowering but I should not be able to have him based on dishonesty. Everyday as we swapped texts and messages about how much we missed each other and how great our time was together, the guilt consumed me. I thought about telling him I had just found out and so we could go through this "together" but realised that was the same as lying and not telling him at all. It was time to put my "big girls pants" on. As we don't live in the same city, I penned an email and attached information about herpes. I'm not sure if I could find the words over the phone nor without breaking down and I don't want tears to get in the way of the words that I needed to say to him. It was heartfelt, it was honest... it was admitting that I made a decision that was his decision to make. I admitted that I really really screwed up. I asked him to read it with an open heart and mind. And I have sent it. (20 mins ago!!) I pray that he will find it in his heart to understand and to forgive ... but am also aware that I must face the consequences and potentially let one of the good ones get away because of my stupidity. I must also face the consequences of having passed it on to him if I have.... I have been taking suppressive therapy for 2 years now so whilst a small chance, again, its a chance that I shouldn't have taken with him. Who am I to take that risk on his behalf? I want to share my story as a warning that herpes and fear are so intertwined... I thought I had this but I lapsed. And it was big lapse. It does not help anyone by not disclosing. Be brave. Telling someone afterwards sure is harder than being upfront in the first place. Thank you to this forum for giving me the strength to try to put this wrong right.

Thanks Beckie for your kind words ... here is my update!! I have realised that I have been in denial.. I wished that I didn't have herpes .. so much... and I've been living in fear of humiliation and rejection. As I mentioned previously, all of these feelings were brought up recently by having met someone wonderful. At first I didn't disclose but did before we met up a second time. To anyone reading this - just do it. I chickened out and emailed (the fear of face-to-face rejection was too overwhelming and we have a long distance relationship) .. I was petrified of his response - he said "is that all?" when i told him. (with a follow-up "I thought it was going to be really bad".) Recently as we've been getting closer, all of the feelings I've had about myself (what I thought were long buried self-esteem issues) have raised their ugly heads. And with them.. this paranoia. That every single twitch, itch, scratch, tingle is herpes ... OR WAIT - something worse because if I was stupid enough to get herpes in the first place, I could get anything else!!! [HOW TO QUIETEN THIS DESTRUCTIVE MIND????] Anyway, I would jump on google and "research" for hours what herpes is, symptoms, transmission rates, can I get it ALL OVER?, is this bump on my face, eye, leg a OB - going over the same information over and over again .. then jump to the "maybe I have another STI?" thought and then research that. I mean, I have been literally driving myself crazy!!!! And my body has reacted - why do I feel like I have constant prodromes despite being on suppressive therapy? Maybe because my body is so stressed from my constant mind tricks... like literally every muscle is tense with fear from the belief that I will ultimately be rejected for having herpes and with fear of people finding out and jumping to conclusions about me. [HOW EXHAUSTING!!!!] After a great first session with Adrial, and a heart-to-heart with my boyfriend about my fear of rejection from him specifically (his response "why on earth would you think that?") - I have realised that my mind is my worst enemy with herpes. Sure, there'll still be people out there that don't know anything... that will make a joke about having herpes, abuse people in forums when they don't really know or get it, maybe if my bf and I don't work out I will meet someone who will reject the herpes too etcetc... I can't control that or them. But I can control my reaction... So from a dark dark place that I was in 2 weeks ago, I'm coming back out. I couldn't even say the word "herpes" aloud I was so disgusted with myself...!! Now? Well, I'm posting this.. I've used the word herpes with my boyfriend in conversation [uM, BECAUSE THATS WHAT IT IS AND THERE'S NO DENYING THAT!!] And l just wanted to share that I think, after 3 years of initial diagnosis, I have only just started my H journey. I feel that herpes has been this heavy backpack I've been carrying around for years - praying and wishing I didn't have it. Well its time to lighten the load. I've got a bit to go but I'm going to take that magnifying glass and focus it on the great things about me ... and that might just happen to be that I got herpes in the first place to FINALLY shake this mental battle. Stay tuned for updates (or rambles...)!! LOL. And this forum is amazing :)

I am reading myself in so many posts on this forum. Why hadn't I found this forum before??? :) Thank you thank you thank you to everyone who posts and a big thank you Obladi...I'm clearly not alone and you have just written my own scary, hidden thoughts out for me to see. WOW. Its time to stop the self-hate and start the self-love. You all make a big difference.

This forum is a god-send. Thank you. I've had herpes for just under 3 years and it seems I still can't get a handle on it... are my symptoms really prodrome? Are they a UTI? Is it an outbreak? Aaaaaargh! I have met a wonderful guy who is aware of my status...hard to disclose as we were intimate first but he took it SOOOOO well ("is that all it is?" was his response). We decided to take the risk recently by not using a condom (I'm on suppressive therapy and he finds it difficult to orgasm using condoms) ... I got prodrome symptoms (maybe?) almost straight after. I wish we hadn't and have since told him that the fear and guilt I am holding now is not worth the risk - he agrees. Now, I'm almost waiting for him to call me to tell me he has it (we are long distance). I think I am now having an outbreak on my urethra as I have no other blisters ANYWHERE but feel itchy inside ... another new sensation and believe I could have been experiencing prodrome when we had the risky sex. I'm not sure though. It seems I've started to hate myself for having this now that I've found someone. I wish I didn't have it .. I keep thinking that our relationship could be perfect if it wasn't for me having herpes and now I'm waiting daily for the dreaded phone call that he has it (why didn't I say no??) I'm trying to rationalise things but can't. I spend hours a day on different forums, researching etc and think I've just confused myself and wound myself in knots. So yes, how do you have a relationship with yourself with this? Especially when the fear is now greater having met someone. I'm so scared he's going to either get it - and resent me for it. He's going to get frustrated (because we have to have to be so careful all the time). Or it's just a matter of time before he really thinks about it and decides he doesn't want to be with me because of it. I am so ashamed. I know these are all ridiculous thoughts but why can't I truly believe that "this is only herpes" ... I say it but genuinely don't believe it. I wish I didn't have it and the self-loathing I have gets greater every day. A wonderful guy in this case, has brought out the insecurities in me about herpes. Help please?