anonymousprince

I am happy for you and your boyfriend. I agree that you made a mistake and you should own that, and learn from it. At the same time, don't beat yourself up about it. What happened has happened. We cannot change the past. I was in your boyfriend's position a few months ago, having had sex with a girl that I met fell in love with pretty quickly albeit we always used a condom (except for oral sex). I truly fell in love with her like never before. For some reason, however, I felt that she was hiding something from me, and she ended up disclosing a few weeks after we had had sex (with a condom). She said that she had found out right after we had sex but I just had a hard time believing that. My trust was shattered, I did not know what to believe. If she had told me that she knew all along maybe I would have forgiven her knowing that she can't be lying at all anymore but this time it sounded like I had to accept such a huge coincidence to move forward. I was very anxious about my results- the worst part was having to wait for 4 months post-exposure to know for sure (the IgG antibody test takes a while to become positive) while at the same time not knowing whether she was truthful or not with me. My results came back negative (more than 6 months have elapsed). However, we are no longer together and rarely talk.

Hello and thank you for sharing! Firstly all this is so so common... Then, please provide some more information...where is the outbreak located? how did you get tested? swab from a lesion and/or IgG blood test? Also, when did the exposure occur? To answer your questions, it is important to know the above information. For instance, if it's genital HSV-1, it rarely recurs. Also, most adults already have been exposed to HSV-1, so there would be no issue with transmission if your partner already has + IgG antibodies for HSV-1. So, taking antivirals to prevent transmission is not common in that situation. If it is genital HSV-2, the recurrences are more common, transmission to a spouse is easier and taking precautions to minimize the risk for transmission (condoms at all times, and antivirals) is common practice. Antivirals are used for 2 different reasons: 1 1. when having an outbreak to decrease the duration and intensity of the symptoms if you are bothered by it 2. to prevent future outbreaks if they occur frequently or are bothersome to you (this applies more frequently for HSV-2) 3. to decrease the risk of transmission to a spouse negative to the subtype of the virus that you have (along with condoms typically) ( this also applies more frequently to HSV-2). But of course, every decision of this nature is your and your partner's decision to make... hope this helps!

please try to see things in perspective. HSV-1 is super common, approximately 80% of the population has it. some people get it when their mom kisses them as a child, some people by a relative or a lover a bit later on in life. I got it after my mom kissed me at the age of 25. even though the first outbreak can be very intense symptomwise, the outbreaks that follow typically include having a cold sore for a few days by your lips and no major issues. And most people don't get very frequent outbreaks with HSV-1. So, it's a super common and very mild almost unavoidable infection (unless one lives in isolation). Getting rejected for having this super common infection does not make sense as most people have it anyway! I would even argue a disclosure for oral HSV-1 is a bit of an overkill. there is no point in making a fuss about such a minor issue in my humble personal opinion...just my humble opinion...

If you already have been exposed to HSV-1, then it's highly unlikely you will catch HSV-1 genitally. The only way to know for sure you have been exposed to HSV-1, is by taking the HSV-1 IgG blood test. At the same time, the only way to know that your boyfriend, has been exposed to HSV-1 and not HSV-2 is by him having the HSV-1 and HSV-2 IgG blood tests at least 4 months after his last exposure to another partner. HSV-1 is so prevalent in the population- appr 80% of the population, it's almost inevitable most people will get it at some point. Also, genital HSV-1 infection causes much less frequent outbreaks than HSV-2. Sometimes, just the initial one and never another one again. There much less asymptomatic shedding in between. It's usually transmitted from oral sex, from a partner with an oral outbreak to the person receiving oral sex who has never been exposed to HSV-1 before. It would be highly unlikely this would be causing you any problems with a pregnancy. If you have a + HSV-1 IgG test, then you already have this virus in your system and it would be unlikely you would be catching it anywhere else again. In brief, if your IgG test is HSV-1 positive and your HSV-2 negative, and your boyfriend's results are also exactly the same as yours 4 months after his last exposure, I would not worry too much about it. Just enjoy life. Perhaps avoid sex if he ever gets an outbreak again down there, but otherwise it's pretty low risk for transmission and you already have caught this virus yourself. You don't catch this virus again...

Hi, cemc005, I was also recently in a similar situation with the main difference being that the disclosure was after having protected sex with the girl. Luckily I did not acquire HSV-2. So, your guy is a brave and honest guy, and you like him very much. otherwise you would not be in turmoil, you would have moved on already. Personally, I was in turmoil for several months- perhaps I still am. I distanced myself mostly because I did not know if I could trust that girl or not anymore- she claimed she received her diagnosis right after we had sex but knew of her ex's status. Trust and doubt started eating me alive even though I had fallen in love madly with this girl. I still wonder "what if" though... For me, it was not the clinical consequences that I was concerned about but rather that catching HSV-2 changes how one is going to date in the future if one is honest about it with future partners. Having to have this disclosure discussion so early on in a relationship since people nowadays have sex after a few dates will drive some people away but not others. So, for me if I knew I would marry a potential partner it would not matter much catching this, clinically it's a pretty benign infection....but how do you know if you are going to stay with a person, you don't yet know well. it's a catch22...that's also why it's such a touch decision also. you have to take the risk before you know that you are going to stay them long-term. I think it's normal to be feeling anxious facing this situation where your feelings tell you one thing and your self-preservation/logic another. And especially since you are in the field, studying this from all the various perspectives before deciding is appropriate, and my advice would be to take your time to make the right decision for yourself. Also, being platonic with this guy and getting to know him better before having sex and deciding would be another idea, if he would also be open to it. Feel free to private message me if you want. I was in such a similar situation myself recently and I empathize with the internal conflict that you feel.

Hope you are feeling better by now, CM. The way I would view it is that, yes, you made a mistake, accept that since you cannot change the past, but learn from it moving forward. I had a similar experience to your boyfriend. A girlfriend disclosed to me after having sex and I felt very betrayed. Had she disclosed before the fact, I would have admired her. So, let people admire you for your integrity in the future and the right person will come in your life.

thank you, Katidid, for your response. I am very happy for you and your husband...it's really amazing. and did you take Valtrex or use condoms or nothing at all for his protection? When it comes to my situation, I am more stuck on not being able to get my mind off of this girl and wanting to believe her emotionally, but at the same time sensing that logically the sequence of events is not adding up. I feel that if you are in a long-term relationship, not getting tested for it is fine if you don't care to know for yourself or your partner (if your partner is on Valtrex to prevent transmission, it makes sense to be getting tested periodically). but if you are going to start a new relationship, I feel that you owe it to the next person to do your own research at least online and to let them know of the possibility in advance. both of these would inevitably lead to getting tested I would think. Before the internet was around, I can definitely see your argument, but at this time and age, it really did not take me longer than 10 minutes to read the basics about getting tested, the possibility of asymptomatic infection etc. Also, with this girl, she told me some things that in retrospect indicate that she knew and was thinking of telling me, but I can't be sure 100%. For instance, she asked me to tell her my darkest secret and promised that she would never judge me for it no matter what it may be at a pretty random point. And I was sensing that she wanted to tell me hers instead in retrospect...I deeply empathize with her if that is the case. I can only imagine what a struggle it may have been but I can't shake all this doubt and sense of betrayal. I keep thinking that she did her best to give me the most amazing, perfect experience during our brief time together, because she knew she would have to tell me eventually. And I would have to want her really bad to move forward despite of this. And she was successful in the former part- I don't think I have felt this strongly for decades for someone. I fell in love. but the sense of betrayal is poisoning my passion. trust is difficult to build and easy to lose. If things end up not working out with this girl and I catch herpes, then it would cost me a lot because I live at a pretty small city. Privacy would be difficult to maintain if I would have to date again. This has been one of my most difficult decisions so far in my life. thanks again for your support...

I see. so, you already did the right test...just wanted to make sure it was confirmed. thank you again for your support.

that is impressive. you are probably very lucky! but it also makes me wonder- what exact test did you get and what was the antibody titer if you would like to share? did you ever get the University of Washington Western Blot done for confirmation? You know that there are false positive results with the first-line tests, right...?

thanks for sharing your story, HikingGirl! that is pretty helpful...while you were married you were obviously not on Valtrex, since you did not know at the time...if I may ask, did you have sex with condoms or without with your ex-husband, and for how many years were you together? and he still never got a positive antibody for HSV-2? the only difference with my girl is that she knew her ex of several years had herpes and she still (told me that she) did not look into it. she is soooo nice, gentle, clever and responsible as far as I know. I am just having so much trouble accepting she could have neglected/ignored this possibility until after she met me and had sex with me. I am having a hard time believing that she never googled "genital herpes" after her ex told her of his status several years ago. It took me less than 5 minutes to read the basics online....how could she not have googled it at least being with her ex for several years? also, I did not mention that she told me of her status a few weeks after I had told her that I was thinking seriously of her and wanted to be with her in a relationship. So, you know unfortunately it crosses my mind that otherwise she perhaps would have never told me anything. my doubts about how her and how she handled this pose such a barrier for me. despite of how much I want to be with her. and the worst thing for me is that I can't be certain. maybe she just did not know, and has been 100% honest with me...maybe not... thanks again!

Thank you for your comment, HikingGirl. What she told me was that her doctor did not notify her of the positive results and she did not pick up the results until after the trip. She told me she never had any symptoms whatsoever, and that she did not know one could have H and have no symptoms, so she was not really worried about the results...I guess when you first meet and have sex with a girl for the first time and a couple of weeks down the road she discloses telling you she just found out, isnt it normal to get suspicious? What are the chances? And I really wanted to believe her!

I am struggling to decide whether I should stay with a girl who disclosed to me her H status after having protected sex with me over a vacation. She told me she had taken the test before the trip, but only found out after the trip of her positive results. She then told me that she knew her ex had H but she had never gotten tested or researched things online (I do find the latter hard to believe). I really like her but it is a matter of trust at this point. Because, what are the chances someone you just met will find out right after having sex with you...Honesty is certainly always appreciated before or after the fact, but I do feel a sense of betrayal. She is adamant that she did not know about it when she met me. I so much want to believe her, but I feel something does not add up...My results are negative so far and I have had no symptoms. Thank you all for this wonderful forum.

Many times, an HSV-2 infection is asymptomatic or causes very mild symptoms that evade our attention. So, getting tested with the HSV-2 IgG -type-specific test would be a good idea to know where you are standing. If the result is a low positive, confirmation with the golden standard Western Blot test that only University of Washington offers is an option, but it may not be easy to obtain. Best of luck!