BattleScarredAmazon

I've had HSV2 for almost a year now and I've made three disclosures. One noped out, one went ahead and slept with me (before THEN deciding to get back together with his ex - really?!), but the most recent one was the most devastating... We'd been chatting and getting to know each other for a couple of weeks. Excellent guy, really good chemistry... folks I haven't been that smitten in YEARS. We're trying to take things slow but you know how that sometimes doesn't go as planned - so I slam on the brakes and say, "Okay, but I can't do this because we need to talk first". Turns out (and I feel so utterly stupid for not considering this) that the chronic illness he already has means that catching HSV from me could literally be dangerous for him. We talked - lots of open, honest, communication and tears and mutual supportive things said - and decided that it just wouldn't be worth the risk to his health and the tension it would cause in our relationship to chance it. He actually told me that if it weren't for his condition, he wouldn't care in the least. I can't be angry at him. He's possibly one of the sweetest people I've ever met and I expect he'll continue to be a great friend. But I'm so frustrated and heartbroken by the situation. It just sucks.

So I'm new here and I'm finding I relate to a lot of the posts, so I'm just meandering and reading and commenting where I am moved to do so. But there is one thing I've been struggling with and I've only just begun to identify it and I'm wondering if anyone else in here has dealt with anything similar... My ex husband bullied and emotionally abused me. Not badly enough to justify cutting him out of his children's life, but enough that most communication with him still causes me anxiety that will plague me for the rest of the day. So here's the weird thing: I live in fear that he will somehow find out about my HSV. I contracted it after we split up, and there's no reason it should affect him at all. It's none of his business and no one who knows would tell him, but there's always the (minute) possibility that my daughter could overhear me talking to a friend and turn around and ask her dad, "What's herpes?" and that thought makes my blood run cold. It's probably not a coincidence that memories of him calling me a whore and telling me how useless I am crop up every time I'm feeling particularly shitty about myself, which often follows a disappointing disclosure. And those about to reply, "Get thee to a therapist!"... Yeah, I know.

You all are smart for getting here and joining the group so quickly. I was diagnosed nine months ago and I dealt with all of the initial emotions and fallout basically on my own and with the support of a small group of friends, none of whom have it. Realizing after nearly a year that I really need to talk to other people who have walked in my figurative shoes feels like a pretty epic facepalm. You're going to have good days and bad days, but it DOES get better. You realize who's worth your time and who's not. You realize that all the crappy things people assume and perpetuate are stupid and mostly untrue. You educate yourself and if you get the chance, you educate others and you make the world a little bit smarter. You pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and make the conscious decision that your life is not over.

I can relate to this post. I was in a monogamous relationship for many years and the first person I was intimate with after my divorce was the one who infected me. My best friend (who has had a large number of partners) even said to me when I was diagnosed, "This is so unfair! Statistically, it should have been me." Now I am attempting to date again, but it really is heartbreaking. Some people are ignorant or awful, and no I don't want to date those kinds of people anyway, but it still hurts. My most recent disclosure, however, hurt the most. He didn't shame me and he really wouldn't have cared - except that he has a chronic illness that wrecks his immune system enough already and if he were to contract HSV from me, it could potentially make things worse. That one just made me angry at the universe. He's a wonderful guy, and he'll make a wonderful friend, but I wanted to see if he could be more.