FatalSorrow

I sure struggle to even hope for this to calm down some. I HATE that my day can be going smoothly and fine EXCEPT i have to even now after ALL THIS TIME keep taking this stupid Valtrex. I could CARE LESS about the stupid chemicals i am taking and am in NO WAY promoting ANYTHING. I am here because i am TERRIFIED of telling ANYONE about this and that leaves me absolutely alone in this horribly uncomfortable box i am in which is my OWN body........ not sure how much longer i can take this........

very much so Guy84, i am TERRIFIED that someone ANYONE will get this from me. I am actually very pleased that my dating scene is not filled with girls..... I had cut back some BEFORE this mess happened..... now i am PLEASED that there is nobody to worry about or be forced to explain this to. My mom never got married and died alone on monday. Her brother is gay and is afraid of anyone in the family knowing he is gay, so HE is single unmarried and lonely i am sure as well. I go to my moms funeral in New Mexico tomorrow, meeting with him in Arizona first then flying the rest of the way in the same plane. Will be distracting of MY problems thinking of my mom and talking with her brother for a time. However i will have to bring medication with me and take it fairly often to keep the ob from getting out of hand again. I really wish this ob would go away, it is very frustrating to have a sore white blotch on my tongue and try to discuss work on a customers car and not feel like it is like a bowling ball hanging from my tongue in their eyes....

i hope that goes away Ruiner as it just prolongs my suffering. I have had an outbreak on my tongue for almost 2 months straight now. I am using Lysine and Monolaurin which seems to keep it at bay but does NOT make it go away. If i miss treatment the sore comes back angry that I had used them in the first place. Takes MORE of both Lysine and Monolaurin to calm it down again. My mom died on monday adding to my level of distress, feel like i have woken up at 3 IN a nightmare that i can't escape..... I have a difficult time focusing on my work. The ironic thing is i have an extremely high tolerance for pain as i was in a racing motorcycle accident and broke my neck 8 ribs left color bone left arm and my entire left leg is Titanium now. I spent 4 MONTHS in Stanford hospital. My X wife said she did not want to have me get addicted to the pain killer push button IV system i was on. So i STOPPED using the pain killer at ALL. The nurse asked me days later was my pain killer machine working i told her yes but i don't want to get addicted. She said, well are you not in pain?? I said yes and continued to NOT use it. It isn't really the pain although extremely annoying its just the CONSTANT reminder of my mistake and realization that i am DIRTY now....... very difficult to feel good about myself.....

well my results came back, i AM infected with HSV-1 apparently. I am not sure how to take that as in some ways it is worse. a KISS from me is now tainted, not just sex. However for ME it is better comfort wise with less or DIFFERENT pain. With all the thing that have come from this making my life different i am pretty certain that i would be very vulnerable to suicide thoughts if it was even WORSE for me pain wise. However I do miss the idea of the enjoyment of kissing a woman when SHE wants to...... I will have to stop HER....... which of course will lead to the inevitable explanation. Not sure exactly how that is going to come down at this point yet. Another question i have for you guys is, i wake up EVERY NIGHT around 2 and again at 4ish...... Is there reason for this?? the pain is not worse, pretty constant there. Perhaps what wakes me up?? I have to take vitamins, and a sleep aid to get myself to sleep again. Tonight i was smart enough to lay OUT my my first needed vitamins and sleep aid BEFORE i went to sleep so i didn't have to suffer getting it ready AFTER i woke up in the dark. I have already taken it but thought to come here and do some talking during this can't sleep time. I must say it is very difficult to feel THIS dirty and not be able to FIX it or feel better..... feel CLEANER. I am a mechanic for a living and i have developed pain in my fingers where the virus i am sure has infected cuts,, i know that once infected a part of my body will not heal and make the pain go away permanently. Hence why my need to get CLEAN, FEEL clean from this at times. Not possible to feel clean or GET AWAY from this incurable PAINFUL nasty dirty feeling...... Does anyone know why i wake up at this time every night?? Other than sleep aid's is there ANYTHING i can do to STOP that.....??

i wanted to thank everyone as your aid and awareness of my situation is indeed comforting at least a little. I still have a sore tongue that WILL NOT stop hurting It is very difficult to think about ANYTHING else... work, life, especially happiness is the LAST THING that comes to mind.... i am working VERY hard to treat my customers and people as i would have BEFORE being told i was a glass of rotten milk at an Oreo eating contest i feel so absolutely DIRTY and like someone here said i would NEVER EVER want ANYONE to go through this ESPECIALLY a kind wonderful beautiful woman i am attracted to. I would not even want my WORST enemy to go through this, it is NOT something i would feel good about infecting ANYONE with.....

i have scars on my wrist from ages ago when i had unrelated troubles....... these troubles were FAR less severe then i am dealing with now........ pretty sad to keep attempting to talk to myself in type on here for self comfort......

i have a VERY difficult time sleeping, not physical ailment cause but mentally i keep thinking "how could i have done this" "WHY did i sacrifice my LIFE for WHAT sex......?? I am absolutely hopelessly lost now.......

i appreciate that hippyherpy i am just new to this game and think for ONE act with someone that was not as special to me as she should have been BEFORE........ I feel like i have flushed my life down the toilet. I have never had my dad in my life and then this past monday my mom dies suddenly so i have nobody to talk with about this anymore. My screen name here is very accurate in depicting my mental state now.......

I have run another test, waiting for the bad news..... or even worse finding out it comes up blank again and i will STILL have no idea what is wrong with me....... :(

by the way, what medications would help my immune system work better??

I have not had a medical diagnosis as of yet that is accurate as my infection was only 2 months or so ago and the first test i DID have showed negative across the board. what is the strangest feeling is that i would feel GUILTY if i get tested again and am NOT hiv positive. Weird, i have always in my life felt for others and done things to help everyone along life's path. It is currently 3 am and i am wide awake, little headache insomnia and self pity. I of course hope that i do not have it but with the response here being as comforting and helpful as it has been ALREADY i would indeed feel guilty if i was not hiv positive. My doctor has now become an instructor for medical positions and has left her practice in pursuit of helping others in the medical field. Leaving me with NO doctor at all....... I am not sure what to do, i have now picked up medical insurance. I guess the next step is finding another doctor, there is no medical help here in my town, i will have to resort to diving 3 towns away to find any. thank you HikingGirl and RegularGuy you have helped me feel accepted here regardless of my condition, thank you both.

I am terrified, i am taking Monolaurin and Lysine, they do seem to work on my really sore red and white bumpy tongue but it seems like i am having to take the medication in both higher doses and in shorter intervals to keep the pain and inflammation under control. I tun an auto repair business and have to talk with customers constantly every day. Is difficult with the pain and white markings on my tongue to one sound like i am speaking English and 2 appear like i DON'T have a peace of gum in my mouth...... I am in DIRE need of this to give me some time WITHOUT it. My LIFE my BUSINESS, everything is hinged off of how sore my mouth has been for a month and a half now. I watched the pep talk video here it helped tremendously but ONLY as i watched it. Once it was over REALITY strikes me instantly and i am in pain lost and lonely again. I am at a total loss of what to do...... I am a perfectionist with auto repair and customer relations but even those are starting to get effected by my inner pain suffering distraction..... i am not sure how long i can take this......