WhatNow17

I swear it's been like one thing after another lately. On Monday I went to the dentist because I had severe tooth pain and ended up needing to get a crown and a filling. Afterwards the dentist mentioned that I had a couple bumps on my gum line; he asked if I had taken any medication, i said no and he said it could be a cold sore but that it seemed to be healing. I'm not sure how they were healing because they weren't there before. I inspected them at home and counted 3 little grey white bumps, they didn't hurt to touch, and seemed pretty shallow. Because I have hsv 2, I have valtrex on hand so I started taking that twice a day. But now as of yesterday, my neck is sore, my cheek hurts, and I have no appetite. 1 bump is gone, the other is just red, and one it's still white. These bumps were not clustered together either. Last time I got tested, I was negative for HSV 1 and I haven't kissed anyone in 9 months. Does an inital hsv1 infection stay dormant that long? I read having type 2 kind of protects you from type 1. Does this sound like type 1 or something else? Maybe relating to my dental work...I can't get an appointment with my doctor for another week or so.

That's great! Congrats on the sucessful disclosure!

@mstanya1234 I'm sorry you're having a difficult time. I'm also not an expert, but I think your son is okay. I don't think HSV passes through water. If it did everyone that shared a pool or hot tub would get it. But you might want to post that question on another board; there are a few people here that can offer advice and information with statistics.

@Llittles and @mstanya1234 Your mind can be your own worst enemy. It will definitely get better, I'm not sure of your back stories but I've learned that HSV is not worth killing yourself. Disclosures are scary but you are still the same person you were before and someone will understand and accept this minor condition. I don't even know if it should be called a condition, it's barely a blip on most people's radar. I'll be honest I still have bad days and struggle with the negative thoughts but it helps to find things that will clear your head. Or even talking about it can help; luckily HSV has brought you to a community that is knowledgeable, understanding, and willing to listen.

Congrats! That's wonderful!

*Super long post alert* My diagnosis has always been pretty hard on me. The physical side of it wasn't bad, and it was pretty much nonexistent; but mentally I was a wreck. I had dated people after finding out I had H but life got more complicated with family issues so I kind of just went numb and fell into this dark hole. I faked happiness before but this time I shut people out, no longer felt like my former fun self, and had frequent anxiety attacks. But one day (after encouragement from my therapist) I decided this isn't what I wanted my life to be like so I decided to get back in the dating scene. I figured because I'm a somewhat attractive person, with degrees, a great personality, and a successful career I deserve to have the relationship that I was looking for before H. Fast forward a few months, and I found myself on an H + dating site just to see what was out there. I had read on other posts that these were limiting and removed a lot of your options, but I wanted to give it a try. Ended up chatting with a couple guys. Met a decent guy but we didn't click. Then I met my now ex. The whole relationship was awful. He started out nice but quickly manipulated me and didn't treat how I deserved to be treated. And to make matters worse, even he was scared to touch me. Sex was very clinical and he insisted on scrubbing down immediately after; even though we both had the EXACT SAME THING. It was very frustrating and ruined what little self esteem I had left. I stuck around a lot longer than I should have, thinking that this was it, this was the best I was going to get. If this guy was terrified to touch me, why on earth would an H - person want to ever have normal sex with me. But eventually I realized enough was enough and I got out of that relationship. Ending it was one of the hardest things I've ever done. I convinced myself that I loved this man and could put up with whatever just to not be alone. I was hurting for a long time and driving myself crazy trying to figure out if there was something I could have done differently to make the relationship better. I fell back into that same dark hole, but this time it was deeper. I felt I would be alone forever. I was in a permanent fog. The depression was overwhelming and I got so tired of feeling like that every day I started thinking about just ending it for good just to make it all stop. I scared myself with how serious those thoughts got and I started going back to therapy more frequently. Fast forward to now. I met an amazing guy through mutual friends...the only problem was he was deployed. I even told my therapist about him and how I can't possibly entertain the idea of liking him because of H and she basically told me to go for it, H is a non issue if you don't make it one. So me and this guy decided to continue communicating as pen pals. This was the most wonderful, caring, thoughtful, hot, smart, funny, man I've ever met. He truly has a heart of gold. We clicked instantly and talk just about all day, everyday. But H was always on the back of my mind. I struggled with when I should tell him because I didn't want to seem like I was leading him on or deceiving him. I had even convinced myself to wait until him was back because who knows what'll actually happen by then. However, we had been chatting for around 4 months when conversations started getting a little more serious about possibly being in a relationship when he got back. We had talked about some pretty deep stuff before so I felt like I could trust and be vulnerable with him. And now I actually really wanted to tell him right away. Part of me thought he would be understanding but then another part of me thought that he would never been mean about it but the rejection was inevitable. So yesterday, I decided it was now or 4 months from now. I didn't want to stress over it any longer. I needed to rip off the band aid. I figured the middle of the week would be perfect, so if he rejected me I could just drown myself in work the next day and hopefully not think about it. So last night after reading through numerous success stories to get my confidence up, I typed out a really long message explaining how much I cared about him, what H was like for me, transmission rate, and even let him know I understood if he never wanted to talk to me again. I almost talked myself out of sending it when I accidentally hit enter instead of backspace. F*** was all I could think but also oh well it's out there now. So I sat on my couch for about an hour, emotions shifting between laughing at this mistake and crying because I was so unsure about what he would think. Then I get his response. He said that it didn't bother him at all. He's still interested in me and a relationship and great sex lol. He said he was really impressed that I had the courage to tell him and that it spoke volumes about my character. H didn't scare him and he actually researched it a lot before because his ex thought she had it. So he knew all about it and said he figured about 80% of the population had a strain of something so it's not a big deal. He asked if oral from him was still on the table lol. And followed up with I'm more than worth the risk. I was giddy all night lol! This disclosure was more than I could have ever hoped for. It was like a huge weight was lifted off of my shoulders. I'm so glad I told him now, because it already feels like we've gotten much closer (well however close you can be 5k miles apart lol). He'll still be gone for a while but I'm looking forward to whatever future we may have. H seems like a scary thing but it's nothing to take your life over. It can be such a minor part of your life it you don't let it control you. I finally agree with Adrial that this can be an opportunity. I helped me mature as a person and figure out what I want and deserve in life. I hope this offers a little ray of hope to whoever is out there struggling with H and disclosure. To the right person, it won't matter.

@Trixie8 I saw a comment from @thevica on another post. It made me chuckle and thought it would be a great addition to what you're looking for. It offers some comfort that I'm not alone in this. The comment was made in regards to someone concerned about dating a HSV + person "The majority of our planet has herpes anyway (67%). So technically, we are the majority, not you (haha)."

@optimist wow thank you sharing all this information! It makes me a little sad that all these viruses stay with you for life and usually cause no issue, but HSV 2 is the one getting all the negative attention. I'm sure most of the people I know that had mono have no idea it's still in their system. I wish this information was more widely shared so it wouldn't seem like a death sentence at diagnosis.

@optimist I honestly had no idea mono was permanent or that there were several variations of HPV and HSV (aside from 1 and 2). Thanks for sharing this information! I guess bottom line is more education on prevalence is what will help with the HSV stigma...and acknowledging that types are the basically the same thing, they just present differently and one shouldn't be flagged as worse than the other. I do hope more people decide to make the choice you did and get the vaccine since it protects against all HPV types.

@Trixie8 @Optimist good point. Maybe a vaccine is the only thing that can "normalize" and erase the stigma of HSV. The permanence of HSV is likely what scares people and causes them to dismiss people with it which makes us ashamed to have it. With a cure or full proof preventive medicine, it'll go from eww big scary HSV to dang that sucks you got it early but at least you can't pass it on now so all is well. The likelihood of that happening is slim so I think it's great that you're looking into educated yet lighthearted public awareness through media Trixie.

@Trixie8 I agree that there is less shame with HPV diagnoses and disclosures. I had a friend tell me out of the blue that a guy gave her HPV like it was nothing. I was taken aback by her openness and others about it, especially since my doctor was pushing the vaccine since I was 12. I don't think we'd ever see famous people disclose their HSV status. With HSV having less complications or side effects you would think it'd be the other way around as far as shame is concerned. But maybe the sensitivity of cancer or the idea of scary skin bumps leads people to be more accepting of HPV and not HSV.

@optimist thanks for sharing those stats! It's really helpful to have for my future disclosures. @Trixie8 I'm not sure if this is because I'm now one of the ones the jokes are about but I've been hearing a lot more comments and jokes about herpes. On another forum someone mentioned that these jokes are usually worked in because a writer probably has herpes. To name a few; Grace and Frankie, 2 broke girls, family guy, shameless, Dave Chappell comedy special. All pretty much presented it as something devastating that you don't want...which I guess might be true if you don't have it. These jokes definitely still hurt, I usually don't find them funny and will sometimes change the channel. But something interesting I noticed are shows have started showing more compassion and understanding with HIV. Both shameless and how to get away with murder feature gay couples who disclose their HIV status and their partners end up being accepting and continue to have somewhat normal relationships. If HSV could be portrayed in a healthy and mature way I think we could get rid of the stigma or even if it was presented in a way that vocalizes that most people have this. HPV is starting to be somewhat normalized. Comedians Ali Wong and Amy Schumer have both disclosed their HPV status publically and almost like a badge of honor for having a fun sex life. Not sure this helps answer your question, I just wanted to share what I've noticed recently.

Hello Everyone, I'm new here and love reading the positive stories. It makes having H less scary but I still struggle most days. I'm a female (26) at my year mark. Happy Anniversary to me! Well I'm here because I'm so conflicted about this new guy. My friend has been trying to set us up, however he is deployed. I began chatting with him back in October to help him pass the time while he's gone but now I'm really starting to fall for him. We talk daily, through messages, video chat, and phone calls. He's a wonderful man. Very smart, caring, funny, and gorgeous. Talking to him is definitely the highlight of my day. BUT I don't know when I should tell him my big secret. He'll be gone for another 4 months. Part of me thinks this is a great set up because he's getting to know the real me first and that maybe my personality will help him see past my H. And honestly, I feel like no one really needs to know unless we get to the point of being intimate. And that I should just wait until we're together in person to see if the spark is still there. But the other part of me feels like I'm lying to him and delaying the inevitable. If I fall hard for him and he can't handle this part of me then I will be crushed; we would have had 6 months to develop a connection. My therapist seems to think it's okay, to keep this to myself for as ever long as I need, if sex is not involved. I just don't know what to do. I've been stressing over this for a while now. I've never had OBs but when I constantly think about having this "gift" or having to tell someone, I start feeling symptoms (which is most likely all in my head) so I really just need peace of mind over this. By the way, he's made a H joke already. Nothing bad, just he had a cut on his lip and said "don't worry, I don't have H". That probably would have been the perfect time to say, yeah well I do. But I'm not that bold lol. But this joke kind of scares me even more that he won't like me anymore. So yeah, do I continue as is, do I tell him now, do I tell him later, or do I just back away now to save myself the heartache?