LoveTheMountains

Hi there, first off sorry to hear you have been going through this. It sounds like you are finding ways to cope and find strength to move forward. I'm responding because your situation kind of reminds me of a book I recently read and you might find it really helpful at this time. Its called "Superbetter" by Jane McGonigal. She's a gaming scientific researcher who suffered a brain injury that all but debilitated her and robbed her of her happiness and physical abilities for some time. She described the emotional and mental aftermath of her injury a lot like what you described. She started applying concepts from her research to make progress and heal herself and apparently her work resulted in an explosion of validated research and various approaches to deal with everything from head injuries, health issues, weight issues, to mental illness etc. She dubbed her approach "superbetter". It was a fascinating book full of good research as well as hundreds of practical ideas and steps to use. Apparently it has garnered a huge following and now there are "superbetter" websites and online support groups for just about every kind of condition under the sun. I have been meaning to post something about this book on this forum because I think the concepts could easily be applied by those struggling with H. I found the book incredibly helpful plus I was fascinated by all the scientific findings in it (I'm kinda a science nerd lol). Another book I really recommend is Resilience by Eric Grietens. I'm a big believer in reaching for a book when struggling with something in life because there's such great information and writings out there and we don't always have money for therapists and if we are lucky enough to have supportive people in our lives- they aren't typically available 24/7! Anyway, wishing you well in your recovery!

@hwomanntexas7 Glad to hear you are out there enjoying the dating scene, albeit nervously! lol I've gotten to where I hold off sex longer than I used to and spend plenty of quality of time trying to get to know someone and what they are really about for reasons having nothing to do with herpes! Peoples' motives, personalities, skeletons in the closets, etc are all over the map these days and it pays to just take the time and get to know someone, plus I really enjoy quality dating and have found some guys do too. Wish I had dated like this when I was much younger. There's something a little more serene and at ease in my dating life these days. I recently went on 3 dates with a guy I was certain I would be having the talk with, glad I got to date 3... certain aspects of his personality started to show through the cracks and he is not someone I'd really like to spend more time with. Well it was fun while it lasted and I didn't have to deal with any disclosure drama on someone who wasn't right for me. Keep us posted on how it goes- good or bad, we're here to support you!

Hi @daisy215 I put a link to another thread where I and a few other people listed some of our disclosure experiences. I'm 40 and listed my experiences from about age 28-40 and was fascinated by the overall pattern I saw when I was done. Some of my observations were: 1) the person with the biggest issue about having herpes was ME! 2) My ability, skill, and comfort with disclosing vastly improved with each disclosure. 3) I wasted way too many years in fear- something I regret and hope others don't waste as many years. As for when to disclose. People on here have different opinions on that. For me I usually want to disclose after 2-3 really good dates. This is because anything sooner and I feel I haven't given myself enough time to know if I even like them. And because if the dates are REALLY good then I don't usually want to wait longer because I run the risk of getting too attached and potentially hurt if there is rejection. I agree with @RegularGuy on dating a little more casually and with various people. But not just because of rejection, but also because dating is complex and people often seem wonderful in the beginning because they are giving us their best side and hiding their worst stuff. With that said, there are sometimes extenuating circumstances that prevented me from disclosing after 2-3 dates, usually because I'm traveling or because a relationship had some kind of long distance aspect. In those cases there was usually a longer period of talking and emailing/texting and as a result a much stronger bong being built before I had a chance to disclose. Sometimes I would have tinges of guilt about "leading someone on" but guess what, I've had to learn my emotional needs and timing are just as important. In fact, every single guy I've ever dated neglected to tell me some very important "skeleton" in their closet even after I disclosed my "big one". These things varied from having children to massive debt, to mental health issues, to criminal history, to substance issues past or present. Their reasons for withholding that info for so long were always cited as "timing" for them (I have no doubt that fear was always a major part). So based on my experience most people have something they feel insecure and fear being judged or rejected about so I'm not going to feel bad about wasting anyone's time as my need to let the relationship unfold and see what they are all about and whether they are worth disclosing must be a priority! This has been a slow evolution over the last 20 years of learning to love myself first!! Best wishes to you! It will be trial and error at first but you'll figure out what your comfort level and needs are. Here's the link to that discussion on disclosures I mentioned: https://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/7970/successful-online-dating-herpes-disclosures-female-to-male/p1

@kallyL; no I don't resent mine. Like WCS2010 I was 17 when I got it. Partly because I was so preoccupied with getting out of high school, was working fulltime, and getting into college (in other words, living life!)....and partly because it just always seemed obvious if you have sex you take a risk. For some reason one of the mantras that was beat into our heads in sex-ed " condoms don't protect from everything" was deeply ingrained in my head so I was always realistic that anything was possible. Also I grew up during the era when AIDS was a huge deal and a death sentence so I always had that perspective to compare it to. Then there was the fact that all, and I do mean all of my friends (and the majority of girls in my school) got pregnant while in high school (not knocking them for this, that's just the culture I grew up with and I was no better, I just lucked out I guess), anyway, I quickly saw that having babies far more impacted their romantic lives, work opportunities, self-worth, schooling, freetime, etc while herpes really didn't impact mine (except in my own head). I have a vague recollection that when I found out and asked my giver he actually knew he had it and just didn't care. He was actually a really BAD person in a lot of ways having nothing to do with herpes. But for some reason resentment never struck me. I just moved on from him because I realized he was a shitty person overall. The bigger problem I had for the next 10-15 years was fear of rejection. It took me many, many, successful disclosures for it to finally sink in that I was the one with the biggest issue with it! @MdV123 sounds like you just have good old fashioned empathy and ability to understand human imperfection and fallibility as it relates to yourself and others : ). If you continue to keep that mindset in all areas of life you're like to have a relatively peaceful life in the long run. I say that as a person who long struggled with various resentments over the years and had to learn to be a more empathetic human being. We are ALL fighting some kind of battle.

Agree whole heartedly with others on this guy...I'd proceed with extreme caution (if at all!) if he is interested. He's got one of the strangest reactions I've heard so far and sounds immature to me. Believe me there are plenty of people out their who would have handled this with kindness, empathy, and tactfulness.

I've never had anyone I disclose to want to know details about who I got it from. Actually they've never really asked how I got it...they just kinda listen to what information I share. I wouldn't worry too much about that.

Hi Miss_ph, So I hate stats (in general haha, hated statistics class, not a math person in fact my career is along a therapeutic and outreach line so I am about the "story", not the stats of anything in life) and I've mentioned a few times on here that I don't really get into stats when disclosing to partners. One big reason is I'm just not good at holding number data in my head lol! My other reasons are because I feel its a little contradictory to tell people that tons of people have this and at the same time tell them their chances of getting it are teenie tiny. I've passed it to two long term partners; one with 100% condom use for one year and the other with antivirals for two years. Also, I don't want to convince someone using stats that they should be with me. I do share some general data about how common it is but I don't get into the percentages. But I don't really go into stats on chances of getting it, (unless they really start asking for numbers then I have to rack my brain). Ironically I tend to find myself in the situation where the guy is telling me "but I read the chances of me getting it are really small" and me saying "yah but realistically it could happen". So far the men I've disclosed to have really admired and have even gone so far as to say it made them like me more or was a turn on (lol!) that I don't sugar coat it. However, because there are sciencey-mathy-smarty peoples doing the data crunching I'll take their word for it and just sum it up in my own head as yes, tons of people have it. I do think way more people actually do know they have it than are admitting though. Also, just to give you a little perspective on how common this is, click on the "activity" link up in the top bar (I'm on a laptop right now so maybe it looks different on a phone) and you'll see a daily list of who has joined. A quick glance shows me anywhere from 4 to 12+ per day joining THIS site. And that's just THIS site. And that's just people who even think to look for forums and support; wonder how many just go straight into denial or sadly depression without seeking support online. I once chatted with a guy who had H in a rural state where practically no one was "out" about it. He said he asked his doctor if anyone else had it because there was almost no one on Positive singles (dating site). Said his Dr. did a big eye roll and said "oh yah, its super common". I've heard similar things from pharmacists regarding valtrex prescriptions. Anyway, I try to not get to hung up on data, at the end of the day, it hasn't mattered too much. The guys who really liked me wanted to pursue relationships and others didn't, just like before I had H.

I agree with lifegoeson; you did your part and disclosed, they chose to take that risk. All relationships have risks of many kinds. I took passed it to too partners (one after a year of using condoms always and one after 2 years of using antivirals). It can happen but my exes knew going into it and will have to come to terms with that if its an issue for them. I've disclosed this to partners since then as well. It always make it clear that nothing is 100% foolproof. I think we all make those types of decisions because we truly want to believe this will work out. But there are no guarantees. We just go through life making the decision that seems right to us with the information we have and are feeling at the time. You cannot be responsible for their 2nd guessing and regrets of their decisions. Best of luck to you with the new woman!

Hi there, not sure what other's opinions are on this. For me I am only comfortable telling in person. I had a similar situation years ago, only with maybe a little more guilt built up about it. I had met someone in the military while he was on 2 week leave in the town I lived in. He was stationed over 1000 miles away. I was not at a point during those 2 weeks where I was ready to disclose as I was still getting to know him and not sure how I felt or if I'd even see him again. But our relationship quickly progressed after he went back to his base and a month later he offered to fly me out to visit him. I was super torn about this because I was afraid I might not only be wasting his time but also his money (plane ticket). After much deliberation I decided that dating is filled with risk; we did not know each other well enough and our visit could be a disaster for many reasons or we could discover we were not a good fit for MANY reasons not just HSV. But I did fly down there fully prepared to offer to pay him back for my ticket if his reaction was not positive. And also mentally prepared for a negative reaction in general including him feeling angry at me for "wasting" his time. Long story short he was afraid I was going to break up with him when I disclosed! Hope this helps...

Hi Ms_ph, I think your gut is probably telling you something (when you explained that he gave you the feeling that maybe he was not as into it as you were) and there is nothing unusual about this- herpes or no herpes. Its interesting, the situation we are in...in our heads sometimes H is the overriding explanation for everything that is happening in our dating life but then I listen to all my single friends/coworkers/relatives/random strangers that talk to me about their love lives and its apparent that relationships and dating is complex and complicated FOR ALL! I've learned to remind myself that no matter what the reason for a person changing their mind, drifting away, losing interest etc., the worst thing I can do is waste time analyzing what happened or obsessing over the person. And that applies to "normies" too. Glad you are coming here to vent and hash things out. I understand what you are saying about loneliness. Interestingly a few months ago I stumbled on a book called "Lonely" that exams the state of loneliness in the world today- fascinating book! And I started googling "loneliness" and there are tons of articles and blogs about this now. There's also a lot being written about the lonely epidemic and its tragic health consequences among men in the US/Canada and Europe. As a woman this was shocking and eye-opening to me because I always thought it was us women that were struggling with being lonely while men lived happy go lucky lives. Guess what, we are (sadly) becoming a lonelier and lonelier society. However, just having this new knowledge that I am not alone in my loneliness was incredibly helpful and also propelled me to make better efforts at creating quality relationships all around me. It also made me more sensitive to other's loneliness that no one is talking about and I'm more apt to speak to strangers now and straight up ask a random person who looks miserable if they are okay or if they'd like to talk. It might sound weird, (and it can feel weird too haha) but its amazing what has come of these little connections. We need more of it today. The happy side effect is reaching out to people has helped quell some of the loneliness in me that I have for a relationship. Which I think makes me more emotionally healthy and even-keeled when dating. Anyway, keep working on yourself and reading here and you'll figure out when is the best time for you to disclose. I personally have found a "sweet spot" of about after 2-4 dates depending on how its proceeding. But there's been some exceptions to this both sooner and much later.

Ahh yes, its all coming back to me now... Glad you're having some fun : )

Hi there, I am 40 and have had this since I was about 17. I went through my 20's and half my 30's struggling with acceptance of myself and with being able to comfortably disclose. I list my major experiences and the progression of my "talk" abilities in another posting started by optimist called" successful disclosures-female to male" . I suggest you read my list of disclosure experiences, it really shows where the issue was; ME. And the most important point I try to try home at the end of my comment is PLEASE don't waste years like I did hiding in my guilt and shame, most people accept us with this situation! As for you dreams of marriage and family this is even more reason to heal and get comfortable with disclosing. Not gonna sugar coat it, if you're wanting a family, finding the right person who is also wanting that becomes more challenging with each passing year. At 31 you don't want to waste years wallowing in this if your goal is to have a family.

You've been accepted before....you'll be accepted again. I love small communities. Currently I'm back living in a big city and having fun with all the easier access to single people but I definitely plan to go back to a small town and I know about the challenges you speak of. Its a tough decision; my quality of life is so much better in small mountain towns. But then there are single men in these towns who feel the same way. Just gotta find each other!!

Life is a risk. And that's basically something he is willing to take on. And if you want to be in relationships you have to take risks too. I've been in several long term relationships. And I passed it twice; once where we always wore condoms and the other I took Valtrex but not condoms. Both men were given all the information in the beginning. One did his research after. The other did not. Both felt they would rather take the risk than not have me in their life. When both relationships ended due to other circumstances years down the road I felt some guilt that they now had this and both felt it was a non issue; they knew what they were getting into. Not saying that is how every guy would feel if the he got it and the relationship ended. But my point is there are many risks (not just herpes or STD's for that matter) and people take those risks in order to find happiness. Sometimes it works out, sometimes it doesn't. While I can't promise a prospective partner when we first start dating that we will always be together I personally do have a guy take a little waiting period after I disclose before we have sex just to give them time to have a fully clear head and give them an out before we've gotten intimate. It helps with my conscience too.

Congrats on the milestone @Sunset! What was your story again? I'm trying to put this post in context of what you've said in the past. But being too lazy to do a search haha.

I 100% agree with with @RegularGuy on this. Learn to date and enjoy it. Even if you didn't have herpes, I guarantee you the situation you outlined (a person just drifting out of what looks like promising relationship and giving no explanation) is still happening to people all the time. There's a lot of playing the field, exploring, and just plain fickleness in the general dating world today. It is important to learn not to "attach to outcomes". Everything will line up when it should.

Hi there, no your life is not over and you are not the only one to experience adversity in life. The field I work in shows me major adversity that people face on a daily basis at all ages. As for getting herpes so young, I got it at like 17 and from my boyfriend. I remember thinking it was so unfair. I spent my 20's and half my 30's sabatoging my happiness and relationships before fully coming to terms with what I had AND getting comfortable with disclosure. I commented in a post started by @optimist called "successful disclosures female to male" in which I outlined my major disclosures over the past 20 years and how I grew and progressed. I believe optimist listed several examples too. The "lesson" I wanted everyone to come away with at the end of that post was not to wait so many years like I did living in fear and shame because it turned out most people didn't care I had herpes and I was basically accepted right away and had numerous loving relationships. If hookups is your thing there are people who have posted here with similar results. Basically you can have the life you want. But you have to come to a place of acceptance about this.

Sorry I don't know the answer to that. I just had this experience with prednisone this week and this has been my introduction to the world of steroids and HSV. Hopefully someone can answer that... Oh I did read that in general, oral steroid treatments are particularly hard on the body so maybe there are some differences.

Hi there, sorry you are having a rough time of it but I can't help but read your post and smile and think to myself how once your perspective changes you are going to find you are in such an enviable position to so many us on this site! : ) Soooo many of us here would love to be in a marriage with someone who finds out we have H and still loves us and thinks its no big deal! Let me give you a generic example of what many people who are not in your position go through; they are single and find out they have herpes...complete shock and despair and instant "I'm going to be alone the rest of my life- no one's ever going to love me"....followed by days/weeks/months trying to get the outbreaks under control....all while dealing with depression and anxiety over the future of their love life which causes more stress and contributes to more outbreaks....and then months and even years of coming to terms with having herpes...to final acceptance and getting back out there and learning to date with this. Oh and repeat bouts of anxiety and fears every time a new relationship is forming. What fun!! Just give it time... your body will beat this thing back down, especially when you relax and make it no big deal. Also try to remember...you've apparently been living with herpes a long time! So life really hasn't changed that much for you other than knowledge that you have this and dealing with an outbreak. @Sunset started a threat for women over 50. Maybe you guys can connect because I see you mentioned concerns specific to your age range. I know that outbreaks can be very connected to periods for women so maybe hitting menopause will be a good thing? Take care!

Hi again WarriorGoddess, I think he thought you were fabulous, but herpes was not something he was willing to take the risk for and it brought him to a screeching halt. Like some people have said on here, its pretty impossible to figure out which people are going to not even bat an eye and which are going to do an about face when they find out. For what its worth, hang on to the knowledge that he did think you were fabulous because that quality isn't going away!!!! You just have to connect with the one who can accept this. And seriously they are out there. If you need to try an H dating site to give you some peace of mind go for it. Me and my female friends' personal experience was not good; lots of guys with H aggressively looking for a quick hookup, and usually trying to hook up with all of us in the local area lol! (no offense to any men on these sites who are not, but this was definitely our experience- though I would have loved to meet a relationship oriented man with H) and it actually propelled me to get my "head together" about herpes and get back in the bigger pond and I've never looked back. All of my relationships have been with H negative guys. Was engaged to one until recently and H had nothing to do with our break up. Oh, consider seeing if there's any H Meetup groups in your area or nearby H social events in your larger region. While I found that most of the guys in the group I was part of were still trying to hook up with all the girls in the group, the actual social support-getting together regularly and being able to talk and laugh freely with men and women going through the same thing really sustained and supported me while I proceeded back out in the dating world. I actually credit that experience to keeping me mentally healthy while newly dating ( I had come out of a long term and was terrified of having the talk again). And funny thing, these groups always seemed to struggle to keep membership because it always seemed to be a matter of time before one person or another was "taken off the market" and stopped coming to meetings! Lastly, I've learned to approach dating more light heartedly and focus on having fun and dating multiple people. Even when I really click and feel that chemistry I've learned to keep a strong sense of healthy detachment and openness. There's lots of good stuff online and in the self help world about the importance of "not attaching to outcomes" that might be beneficial for you to read. Its a concept that applies to everything in life. Hang in there!!!!!!!!!

Sorry to hear it did not turn out the way we were hoping! Sending big hugs your way. I would caution you from ever trying to convince someone (re: your follow up texts) of why they should be with you. I think it rarely has the effect on them we hope it will and I think it is harmful to our own self worth. I know your hurting and hoping his response will change because of something you say but it truly has to come from them on their own I think. There are men/women who accept us all the time. Take a few days to regroup and heal. Do something super nice for yourself. And get back out there when you have the strength. If he takes the initiative to insert himself into your life at the level you are wanting then awesome. But otherwise, it just means it may be someone else for you!

Oh gosh what to say to this? The fact is when I read these postings it does sound like a person asking for permission and justification from the group of "why I should be able to get away with it". And the very fact that a person is seeking this validation from the group should be a clue as to how you really feel inside. A few points i'd like to make; 1) you never know when you are shedding and can pass it with meds and condoms (I've passed it despite taking precautions and thankfully when that happened my partners were fully aware and made the decision on their own. I still felt some guilt but I can't even imagine the guilt and shame if I had not told them). 2) People have a right to be given a choice. Even if your giver wasn't mature enough to do so for you (assuming he knew). While for most of us with HSV will be a minor blip in our lives, several people on here have discussed having health issues, especially autoimmune issues that HSV can be detrimental to. I just posted last night about some significant side effects I'm having due to a medication Dr's prescribed after a bad bout of asthma; the med suppresses your immune system to relieve bronchial inflammation...what a relief and no big deal right? Well because I have HSV and the med suppressed my immune system HSV is able to take hold and wreak some havoc on me right now. And I'm a lucky one, this issue will resolve soon as I have a normal immune system but what for those who don't? 3) Next, you mentioned one of the guys is turning into something more. You are always going to find yourself in that position if you continue to not disclose. And then you'll always be back in the same boat of being torn between disclosing after the fact- which often doesn't go well (no surprise there), OR continuing to "live the lie" and be eaten up by guilt, OR do things to sabotage the relationship so you don't have to face it. I've read lots of posts by people who talk about having to wiggle out of budding relationships with someone they really like because they didn't start by being honest up front, which is heart breaking! Who knows what could have been? Adrial and many other people on here have written very eloquently and correctly about the intense and amazing self growth, bonding, and intimacy people miss out on if they don't have the "talk". I can attest to that myself. My situation is a little different in that my fears of telling a prospective partner were so strong I wasted years of my life by sabotaging potentially good relationships (pre-sex) because I was so terrified to tell. Once I finally did start having the talk I had such amazing experiences of closeness and bonding (even when we didn't go forward with the relationship) that I wish I had never been so afraid. You said you "don't want to be the girl with herpes" but the fact is you ARE a girl with herpes. Doesn't make you bad or dirty. Actually makes you pretty common like the rest of us! Once you accept that you have this you open yourself up to so much more possibilities and wonderful personal growth.

Hi mathieu_231 I can't give you any details on stats of spreading your infection to other parts of your body. I'm not as well read on the matter and have had this sooo long that I just don't bother to read too much on the details. With that said, yes its very possible to spread to eyes and other parts and I think very early in my days of having this I did just that (eyes, nose). I don't really know or remember how but it just happens I guess. I more just want to assure to you relax a little about it. Living in fear of yourself is not going to be healthy. The only reason I think I spread it to my eyes is because once I had a small lump, not unlike other lumps in one's eyelid that a person might get due to a clogged tear duct. The Dr. took a quick look and prescribed an ointment and it went away. He never said what it was. Years later I was looking at the ointment and saw that it read "for ocular herpes". On very rare occasions when I'm really stressed my eyelid will itch a little. Also my neck area near my chin and I'll get what looks like mosquito bites popping up for a few minutes. I assume its all related to herpes. I guess I'm just trying to say if you have HSV you have to really learn to relax and not let it be a big deal or it will 1) stress you out and 2) lead to more symptoms.

PresentMoment; probably a good call if your struggling still! Easier to disclose and handle all outcomes when your own head is in a good place. I feel similar but more regarding getting over the damage the ex did in my head. Who knows I may back out of this one myself as I know I still have more to work on myself! Keep us posted!

Just adding an update in my life...I feel I have a disclosure coming up soon. Went on a second date last night with the "coffee date" I mentioned in my last comment. It went wonderful and there were genuine sparks (I was just trying to get it over with because he is someone who reached out before I hid my online profile but I went into it thinking its a one and done date haha). We even had unexpected kiss. He wants to get together next week. Hopefully I will be in good condition by that date, as I just posted elsewhere a few minutes ago, I woke up with severe pink eye due to taking prednisone for bronchitis (pred suppresses your immune systems and so it probably allowed HSV to rear up and cause this viral conjunctivitis in my eyes...please see other post for my warning about prednisone!) and look like an alien right now! Anyway, I'm starting to feel jitters about disclosing which must mean I kinda like him. So we'll see how it goes...