Trixie8

INSTANT. Classic.

Guys! I'm looking to beef up the hilarity of herpes. Have you had any awesome/horrible/hilarious experiences in dating, disclosing to people, or on bumble/tinder? I want to know as many awesome and real stories as I can for something I'm working on so I can represent everyone and this experience in the best light. I know you all have one. Don't we all? Tell me tell me tell me!

This is so tough. I think an important mindset to have here is to really understand where she is coming from if you want to truly move past this. I have slept with someone I really cared about (didn't realize I would end up doing so or that we would date). I had to tell him later. I have never drafted so many practice speeches. Working through how to do it with my therapist and friends. But no matter what they tell me there is no way to describe how it can make you feel unless you have been through it. Sometimes, disclosing can pull you out of a seeming fairy tale. When I'm just me, I get to be me. Sexy and confident, fun and light hearted. Just myself. Or the someone I want to be. And often times that person is not enough once the disclosure of Herpes comes along. It cancels everything else about myself out. And not just with the guys I date, but with just me in my mind. I'm no longer sexy, I'm contagious, I'm no longer fun, because I have to answer medically inclined questions, and educate you, hold your hand, I'm bogged down with catering to your needs. I'm no longer light hearted, I'm in my head. I'm no longer confident because I'm constantly worried about what you are thinking, if its in your head when you are touching me. Even if you say its fine, I always assume its in the back of your mind, because its in the back of mine. And often, even if its "fine," eventually, its not. When I don't disclose. Which has ever only happened twice for me. I get to have fun, and be myself. Without the pain and worry. Not saying it out loud allows me to let it not be real for myself, as well as you and that's what is so important to understand. She probably (as you describe her incredible self) wants to be herself. And once the reasonable deadline passed, there was no "appropriate time" and in exchange she was able to be herself with you for two years, although I imagine it was eating her alive inside. Because she still isn't sharing a part of herself with you. A form of trauma and a defining moment in her life has been skipped in the timeline you know of her. That must have been difficult to suppress being able to express and share with you. Just try to understand, most of the time, its more about taking care of ourselves than it is about taking care of you. Which isn't fair. But, if she has had any experiences like I have had, no one ever takes care of us, because we are too busy taking care of everyone else. And in that state you never get to just... breathe. So she took care of herself because someone had to. She does not deserve a full pass. A responsibility is on us despite how unfair, and we need to follow through. You have every right to be upset, devastated even. But just know that we are human, and make mistakes, and have shame, and want to get to be ourselves and have that be enough.

Oh, I've screwed the pooch on a similar situation SUPER HARD before. Sometimes it's like you can pretend its not a thing either if you don't say it out loud. You feel sexy and like a different person if its not in the space. Tell him. Lead with the statistics. I have a screenshot of the H opportunity pie chart that I share with partners. It's funny and compares dying in a car accident to the chance of him getting it. It never gets easier, but you get better at it. Be vulnerable, putting on a tough face like its no big deal to ease the care is an option, but if he likes you, and you like him, try to make it clear this conversation is really difficult to have, and you are sorry, but we all make mistakes. You aren't perfect. And you don't need to be. Good luck with this!

@WhatNow17 Without having the intention to be dismissive of HPV, I find that to be a cop out when I share my status and someone discloses that to me in response. My mother is an OB/GYN nurse and her comment about HPV diagnoses is "Yeah, everyone but your nun" which is insensitive but how high the statistics of HPV are. HPV also is not a concern until mid life when you just need to keep an eye out for cancer. When people use HPV declarations as a form of brevity, I find that I selfishly think of that as a first world problem, it's kind of like saying "Yes, I get acne too" based on my experience. Its something you can feel good about disclosing because its frustrating, but I wouldn't call it shameful as we experience with Herpes. Trying to figure out to approach this empathetically.

@WhatNow17 I have New Girl, Fault in Our Stars, Shameless, Lovesick and a few others so far. This is all great. I don't like the jokes when they are told in ignorance. But I LOVE them when they are told with knowledge and truth and light heartedness, knowing about me. That's basically how I made it through being diagnosed originally. Anything you feel you've noticed is definitely worth sharing and relevant. I would like to get as much material and perspective as I can, to use to approach this.

I prefer disclosing very early because I'm more comfortable with partners who are generally accepting of HSV rather than making an exception for me specifically with some sort of long-term expectation in mind. Oh THIS. Is super interesting to me. What a healthy and open minded way of approaching.

There is a TV show (on Hulu I think), called Futureman. The main antagonist is a man who is trying to cure herpes. He repeats a line throughout the series that actually had me laughing, despite the fact that the character's delivery was very sad; "They call it herpes simplex virus, but there is nothing simple about it". I can't believe I didn't know about future man. I'll look that up ASAP. I have a list going of television shows or movies that have referenced it or use as comedic content. Looking to beef up that list as well. Thank you!

This is great. Is knowing all of these stats and information a job for you? Some sort of occupation that helps you know all of this? Or have you (like a lot of us) just done the tremendous amount of research on your own time. Also, Can I ask... you stated you always disclose, do you have a timeline for that? Date one? Date three? When it comes up? Curious how other people choose to handle it.

Hi Guys! Glad to be in the community. I am in search of ways to bring this discussion and disease in to the main stream. I was diagnosed a few years ago and have been through and felt everything you all have felt. I am now working towards changing the stigma through Hollywood. We all know jokes about herpes can be hurtful and confusing but I find that when my personal friend group makes jokes to me, with me, knowing about my diagnosis I feel very different. As I work towards finding ways to speak and write about herpes. I am looking for jokes, comments, and stereotypes that you all have experienced or come up with as you go through your journey. What is harmful, and what can make you giggle. What is assumed about you, and what you assume about others. Or any other insights you have that you think are important for the general public to know. I have my experience and perspective, but look forward to hearing yours.