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  1. Here is my story. I had contracted herpes (HSVII/genital) in 2012 from a partner who *claims* he didn't know. I was naturally devastated, but luckily had been on road trip with said partner, and honestly being away from home distracted me from the bizarreness of it all, at least temporarily. I could be distracted with all the adventures that we had planned for the trip. And surprisingly this partner was totally not freaked out by this new diagnosis, let alone current symptoms/outbreak. Over the years I had managed to disclose successfully to a handful of different partners. Most of them came around and we had full-fledged relationships, ending for other reasons, but mostly on good/decent terms. However, in September of 2018 I had met this one guy and failed to disclose to him. He was everything (I thought) I wanted and thus I was greatly ashamed & intimidated about disclosing. Then, what I will call "the perfect storm" happened and I failed to disclose before sex. I'll skip the details about that here. But I do have another post where I got into trouble with him being angry from having told him after the fact. Fast forward to about 6 months later. I had been working hard, and even enrolled in courses to propel my career, just hoping to redeem myself and help build greater self-confidence in order to prevent the weakness I had experience previously. Having started to feel stronger and better about myself, I put myself out on a dating website. I had so much interest and quickly met a great guy that I started to build a connection with. I thought I would have the courage to tell someone within the first few dates, but it started getting close to six dates, and I was growing increasingly anxious. After I had made the terrible mistake with the previous guy, I was sure I would have the confidence to tell just about anyone, but that seemed to have faded, and I struggled all over again with shame and (lack of) self-confidence. One night we had a miscommunication that upset me, and he was so apologetic and sincere, that it became clear to me that this man was dedicated, so I thought F-it! If he's so dedicated there's one quick way to be sure. Also, in the weeks leading up to this, I had run it through my head that I could approach with the mentality/attitude that *he* needs to be okay with this if we are going to progress. And by that I meant it's *his* responsibility to be cool with this (not mine). I finally got myself to a point where I don't feel like I need to take full responsibility for someone accepting something about me that I cannot change and that I didn't really get the decision to. I no longer need to take responsibility for whether someone else can make a reasonable rational decision based on facts, and that me already knowing, sharing/disclosing, and protecting myself (& my partner) is a lot LESS riskier than had he continued dating so many other people, many of which could have it and not know it or not be able/willing to disclose in advance properly. So that night I texted him to get his butt over to my place and that we needed to have a talk. He hurried over and was scared that he had done something wrong. I quickly reassured him that wasn't the case. We walked over to a cute little suspension bridge in my neighborhood, where we could have privacy from neighbors, and then I managed to cough up the news like hairball (awkwardly). He immediately stopped me and told me that even though he hasn't dated many people, it wasn't the first time he had a relationship with someone who had this. He barely let me finish and then hugged me and reassured me. Then we continued walking the neighborhood and he took that as an opportunity to bring a few other important topics to the table, nothing related to this site. I felt amazing, redeemed & relieved, and finally proud of myself. I hope this lil story helps at least one person. If you have any questions, please feel free to ask. Oh, and no judgements from me if you are struggling or fail to disclose. I'm here to do my best to educate & encourage so you don't continue making these mistakes.
  2. Hi everyone, hopefully someone can help me out a little. Okay so I have genital hsv2, do I need to worry about sleeping with someone who has genital hsv1? Will I have another OB like the first one I had? I’d rather not have that experience ever again thank you very much. Can someone help me out with this? I’m trying to navigate who I can potentially consider for dating. Thank you! This forum has been really helpful.
  3. Hi, This is a rather long and convoluted story so I'll try to simplify it as much as possible. In December of last year I was dating a girl and we were proceeding to have unprotected oral and vaginal sex throughout our relationship, however at the start of February we decided to part ways, our last sexual contact was the end of January. I then had no sexual contact with anyone else until I started having some difficulty whilst peeing, not stinging just uncomfortable about 5 weeks after our last sexual contact. I decided to visit my local GUM clinic and was tested for the normal panel of STD's, in the week whilst I was waiting for the results I started to notice a small spot on my chin which I thought looked like a coldsore. Having never had one before, I began to panic that what I was experiencing genitally could also be herpes so made an emergency appointment with my GP. She said she was unsure if it was a coldsore or not, but even if it was, the best course of action would be to start me on a course of Acyclovir to which I did. The small spot on my chin disappeared within four days or so and nothing appeared on my penis (I forgot to mention that the difficulty peeing subsided before I started taking Acyclovir) and my results for all other STD's came back negative. Everything was fine, until about a couple of months later when I noticed a red spot forming on the foreskin of my penis. This began on a Friday and the local GUM clinics only operate Mon-Fri in the UK, again I panicked and ordered a home swab test from a private clinic that would PCR test for herpes. I completed this on the Saturday and sent it away and visited my local GUM clinic on the Monday. The Dr told me she thought it looked like a blocked pore (I thought it had healed over by then) and said I was worrying myself into a complete panic about having herpes when clinically I hadn't really presented any symptoms of it. I received the swab test results and they came back negative for both types. Not satisfied with this outcome, I decided to have blood testing done. My IGG at 3 months, 6 months and 8 months post exposure have all come back negative for both types of herpes however I know that herpes is generally not a straight forward diagnosis in that the blood test is generally accurate for HSV2 but misses up to 30% of new HSV1 infections. And what complicates it further is that I'm likely to have little to no outbreaks for genital HSV1 but can still pass on the virus so there is nothing that I can really do about my situation but sit and wait for something to show up. For the past 9 months I've been inspecting my genitals like crazy in the shower for any signs but nothing turns up, but I'm also scared that my symptoms are so mild that I completely miss them. I thought I could complete a Western Blot with Terri Warren, but my financial situation as a student in the UK just makes that impossible at the moment. What complicates my sit and wait situation further is that I've been dating a girl for the past two months who I'm completely enamoured by, and we've been getting so close that I know that sex is on the horizon. She's 22, I'm 23 and she told me that she's still a virgin and expressed an interest in having sex with me. I'm completely terrified by the thought of dating this girl and then 7 months down the line she contracts genital herpes, especially with the knowledge that I know of my situation. Having to tell her this whole story that I'm writing now would just make me feel like I've been lying to her the whole time. I would hate for her first sexual experiences with anyone to end in contracting genital herpes. I've spoken with my GP, a student councillor at my university and also the Herpes virus org here in the UK. They've all given me a very straight forward answer in that it's a harmless virus, I've not been diagnosed therefore there is no reason for me to disclose to any partners about my situation. However, from all the herpes literature I've read I know that Dr's tend to downplay herpes therefore I'm unsure as morally what's the correct thing to do. I want to be completely honest, but I'm terrified that she will reject me but on the other hand I almost agree with the Dr's in that I haven't been diagnosed but I'm unsure if that's me just wanting to believe what I want to hear. I agree that Herpes is a harmless virus after all of the stories I've read on the internet, however I would never want to take someone's decision away from them. Admittedly, what's caused me the most angst about this whole story at the moment is the uncertainty of whether If I do have it and if I'd pass it onto this girl. If we do decide to have sex, I of course will use a condom but if the relationship progresses further, she may be want to use the pill instead of condom. I guess I was really just looking for some advice from real people on my situation and what I should do. Any advice would be greatly appreciated, I just don't know what to do.
  4. I needed to share my successful disclosure after weeks of reading forums, articles, blogs, watching videos and most importantly freaking our about disclosing. I am a single mom, in her very late 30s. I have been carrying the herpes virus for over 4 years now. I got the virus from my ex after one of our many attempts to reconcile. I never had to have "the talk" before, because after my ex and I separated (yet again) I wasn't ready to date and later decided to try a herpes dating site so I don't deal with the anxiety of having to deal with "the talk." While PS is a great site, it doesn't have that many members, and I decided to give it a try and signed up on a non-H dating site. After a few months and a few dates, I became interested in someone. We went on 4 dates and on date 5 he asked me if and when I was going to invite him over. We were sitting in a quiet cafe, in the corner, and it was the perfect timing to have the talk...only that I simply couldn't. Very disappointed of myself and my lack of courage, we departed that evening. I got home and started reading and watching videos of other people's stories. Couple of things really helped me find my courage. First, I stared disclosing to my closer friends. I think I told at least 10-15 people. I was surprised how many of my friends needed to be educated about herpes and the other thing that surprised me was how many of my friends actually had it (four of my really close girlfriends!). Being able to openly talk about it made me feel comfortable about who I was and normalized my experiences. Second, I practiced. I asked a few of my friends to practice with them. They pretended to be the guy I was disclosing to, giving me different scenarios and this helped me feel more comfortable about finding the right words when the moment came. I also spent a lot of time planning of where and when to disclose. It wasn't the perfect event (we were going to a concert), but I decided that this was going to be the evening (date #6), when I needed to tell him and I had to simply find a quiet place to have this difficult conversation. After the concert he wanted to drive me home and I told him I needed to talk with him about something. Luckily, there were seats at the valet parking lot of the hotel (he left his car there), where we could comfortably sit down and privately talk. He was nervous. I think he was convinced I was going to tell him that this is not working out for me (I was considering it, because having to have the talk seem too daunting for me). I started my memorized by now speech, in which I told him my personal story of how I learned I have the virus and when I was diagnosed. I told him that even with condoms there is still a risk for him to get the virus and that I needed him to think about it and do his own research so he can make the best possible decision for himself...Then I stopped and waited for his response. I was sure he will just walk away with the excuse that he needs to process the information and do his research (after all, I insisted that he do exactly that). To my surprise he thanked me and he acknowledged how difficult this talk might have been for me. I was shocked! I did not expect this kind of response. He also let me know that I am not the first woman to disclose this to him and he already knows and read quite a bit about herpes and the risks and this is not changing the way he felt about me. It was such a relief to have this kind of reaction and to be completely accepted. While I presented calm during the talk his acceptance was what made me emotional and I felt amazingly close to him. I am still dating the same man. I don't know where and how this relationship will go forward, but I know for sure that if it ends it won't be due to the virus. Good luck to any of you who are facing this similar situation. I hope my story gives you hope.
  5. So - I suspect I am a serious old-timer on this site. I got herpes from my second boyfriend when I was 21 years old, in 1979. 39 years. During that time I had several relationships, and then a 22-year marriage which produced two children, now grown. My ex and I split up (because he was a transgender woman, which is another story). I’ve been single for almost five years. Dating after 50 isn’t so easy; in fact, I had at least temporarily given up on meeting anyone until I clicked with someone I met at a bar last April. And we really hit it off, and it was great. As we moved (quickly) towards intimacy , I had The Talk with him. He accepted it, did some research, and we moved on. For various reasons, our activities were mostly limited to oral sex. We really enjoyed each other, in and out of bed. It was wonderful. And then one night in early September, we succeeded (briefly) in having intercourse. He wasn’t wearing a condom, because it was unexpected. I was definitely not having an outbreak. I was SO careful. All seemed great. Two weeks later, he dumped me. He told me that the “herpes thing” had always bothered him (“it was like a shadow” he said, and “I knew if I ever got it, I’d be really mad at you”) - after more than 4 months of sexual activity. Then he walked away. I was shocked, and as hurt as I’ve ever been. I wonder if he thought he contracted it and thought this was the nicest way to drop me (which makes him an idiot, IMO). I wonder if he really did get it, and again, thought this was nicer than being honest with me. Or was he just lying? I don’t see how he could have gotten it from me - I was on Valtrex and I was very careful as I said, and I had no outbreaks when we were together. And just oral sex, mostly. (Also, I have never given it to anybody to my knowledge, including my husband.) Sorry for the length, I probably sound crazy. But this really shook me up.
  6. If you weren't miserable/anxious about this, it would be something else. If this wasn't something you'd be afraid of facing rejection for, it'd be something else. There's always gonna be something to bring you down (if you let it), but it's better this than something else, something worse, maybe something life-threatening. There are so many people in a situation where they'd be willing to give their right arm in order to change situations with you and me, people with life threatening diseases..whether it's cancer or whatever, don't you think they'd happily have herpes instead of what they're struggling through. I'm not trying to belittle our pain because it's real to a lot of you and I know people sometimes find it annoying when somebody makes it seem like you don't have the right to be unhappy over something just because other people have it worse. I was always annoyed when people said that, not about this situation but just whatever situation I was unhappy with, knowing other people have it worse still doesn't take away my pain, and I get that..But seriously, after watching 50/50 (that joseph gordon levitt movie) I just thought, "damn, I'm lucky, I'm alive, I don't have something that I have NO control of, I don't have something that can really harm me, that character in the movie would've probably happily traded situations with me" this is what I posted on my tumblr: (Just watched 50/50 and damn, first of all.. fucking loved it! but it made me feel so I-don’t-give-a-fuck regarding my HPV and herpes, like wtf..it’s only a big deal if you choose to make it a big deal, it doesn’t have to be a big deal, now cancer is a big deal..I was having a breakdown over not having control over my body, well a lot of people actually don’t have any control over their bodies..some people have life-threatening illnesses, this is just an irritant. Like what the fuck, if I let this stop me from enjoying my life..I’m a fool. :P I’mma listen to awesome music, be around awesome people, have fucking awesome hot rough passionate sex, eat awesome food, shit’s gonna be good..cus I’m gonna decide for it to be. Gonna enjoy this life.) But seriously if something worse were to come up in your life, herpes would go in the backseat, you'd most likely ignore it, another pain would be in the spotlight, so there's always gonna be something..be relieved that this is the worst thing in your life (if it is). People fear rejection about a lot of things, people who have been abused might worry that if a person they're dating knew that they wouldn't want to be with them anymore, people who have self-harmed/do self-harm might worry that if the person they're dating knew about it that they wouldn't want to be with them anymore, let's say those people is your friend and your friend came up to you and told you that someone she was dating had rejected her for that..you'd tell her he was a jerk, would you not? and it'd be true and you'd tell her she was better off without that person and that she's lucky she saw his true colors before anything more happen and you'd be right in that. People always have a fear of rejection regarding something, our reason isn't any worse than others. The risk isn't that high and when you have the facts and you're calm and confident about the fact that this doesn't change your life (which is a fact, it's a choice whether or not you let it change things in a way that you're not comfortable with) and if the person you're having sex with would get herpes, it's not that horrible, we're all living it, I want to set an example for the person that I'm going to have sex with that this isn't a big deal, this doesn't change me, this doesn't change my life for the worse, the only thing it changes is that you have to be honest and practice safe sex (which you should be anyway if it wasn't for this) Damn, sorry for babbling.
  7. Hello Everyone, I am new to the site and have found it very helpful. I have never joined an online group like this before and am a little nervous about having a "voice" in this sub-culture of HSV-2 diagnosed people. I was diagnosed in 2006 and have spent countless hours of research online and talking to my doctors. I just recently started dating again after a break-up, it took about six months for me to get back out in the dating world. I met someone, and a couple of weeks into it, I told him about my diagnosis. The only physical contact we were having was an occasional kiss and a hug towards the end of one of our dates. Of course, telling someone about herpes is difficult, but I wanted to be honest with him from an early point. He said he was shocked, but we could work through it. I haven't heard from him since. It is quite embarrassing. Even after all these years, the rejection is still painful. We had known each other from grade school, but had met again online on a dating site. I am curious to know if it is considered okay to date on sites other than STD sites? Is it ethical?
  8. I met this wonderful guy on new years and we have been talking everyday since we met. I really like him and I enjoy every moment we spend together. Every time we went on a date I wanted to have the "the talk" but I would get really nervous and the words just wouldnt come out. About two weeks ago I decided that it was time for me to get the courage to tell him. So the day came and we were watching tv when I told him I had something to say, so I grab his hand and he listen as I told him how I had gotten herpes and I tried to explain to him a little bit about the disease. When I finished he just looked at me and he hold me in his arms and kissed me and thanked me for telling him. He told me I didnt have to worry about anything and that he still wanted to keep on seeing me. I couldnt stop crying I felt like a big weight was taken off my shoulders I was so happy I had gotten the courage to tell him and I wasnt expecting for it to go so well. I know how hard it is to tell someone you really like you have herpes but you have to have faith and if its the right person they will understand :)
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