Child with herpes

[healingmom]

Hi All. to start this, i’d like to share a little of my story first. I was with someone who was very abusive and unfaithful, long story short — he had herpes and did not tell me. I got pregnant & I contracted herpes in my 3rd trimester and had no clue, contracting it pushed me into labor 3 weeks early (I still didn’t know) and long story short, because of the very rare circumstance that I got it right before I gave birth and didn’t know, my baby got it. By the grace of god they found out very soon and he was given antibiotics instantly which prevented serious problems from occurring. He is perfectly healthy other than H. He is almost 3 now, the first year of his life was hard because he did have to stay on medicine due to outbreaks. I dealt with DEEP DEEP shame and guilt for very long time because I’ve never known of anyone going thru this too. And still don’t. It has gotten a little easier, for 2+ years he hasn’t had any outbreaks but he did just have a small one. It triggers very hard shameful emotions for me and I was wondering if anyone knows of a support group for parents dealing with this problem too, I know it’s very rare that this happens so I just really need support. 

[mr_hopp]

I'm sorry to hear that it's triggering such hard shameful emotions for you. Where are your child's outbreaks showing up? 

My heart hurts reading what you wrote. I'm glad you're reaching out, though. Because by reaching out, sharing your story and being seen, the shame gets to dissipate. You get to let go of it. Because it's not serving you here. 

And hear this: You did absolutely nothing wrong. Please don't continue to treat yourself poorly, especially after being treated so poorly in your last relationship. Turn those tides. Any time you notice those shamey thoughts coming up in your mind, change your mind. Reframe them into acceptance and love for your child. 

You sound like such a loving mother with such a big heart. And sometimes loving our kids so much can ironically turn into us hating ourselves if something happens to them that seems like it should have been under our control. (I'm a parent, too. I share those feelings of having such high expectations of myself — I can also beat myself up if I don't measure up.) The irony here is that your kid doesn't get to receive the full dose of your love for them because the guilt and shame is covering it up. You can unwittingly hole yourself up in a fortress of self-pity and guilt. Self-forgiveness is the only way out here. It's not saying that what happened to you or your son is okay; what it is saying is that you get to move on from this point without the burden of "I should have done something different" dragging you down.

Know that a lot of children get herpes, mostly from seemingly innocent ways such as a family member giving them a kiss while they have a cold sore on their lip, not realizing that it can be spread. And your kiddo is developing a strong immune system that will be able to keep outbreaks at bay more and more over time. Remind yourself that even though no one wishes that anyone else get herpes (especially your child), it's a manageable condition that for the vast majority of cases isn't the least bit life-threatening. This isn't to minimize the anxiety and pain that you're feeling, but to instead put it in proper context so you can let go of some of this heaviness you've been carrying with you.

Big hugs to you and thanks again for sharing yourself here. What courage. 

[healingmom]

Thank you so much ♥️ Your reply really touched  my heart, I just needed some support. Thank you. 

[makepeacewithit]

Healingmom, I just want to let you know that although my situation isn't the same I relate to the feelings of responsibility and shame you feel about what happened to your child; in my case the situation was food allergies. My infant daughter ended up developing significant life-threatening food allergies, she is now an adult and is still dealing with them. At first we didn't know why it happened, but in retrospect over many years I discovered new information and, eventually, the awareness that the allergies developed because of mistakes I made--taking antibiotics during her earliest breastfeeding weeks, not following guidelines for food introductions, the list goes on and on and I've spent a long time compiling that list and making sure I had no way out of blaming myself for what she is dealing with. I've spent much time sick with worry and guilt and regret . . . that time did not serve my life or my relationship with my daughter. I am finally moving on from these feelings, but it's sad that I wasted time and energy on the cycle of regret over something I could not change.

You and I, as mothers, may feel responsibility and regret for any negative impact upon our children, but at the time could have done nothing to prevent this outcome--we simply didn't know. We are not responsible for anything except moving forward on the beautiful path we are creating with our children. If I could wave a magic wand and make your sadness over this situation disappear, I would, because you deserve to have peace. Since I can't do that, I'll simply ask that you make a pact with me to accept the situation, stop shaming yourself, and move forward with a forceful love for your child and your shared life pouring out of every cell of your being . . . because that is really the greatest gift you can give. 

My heart shares space with yours, much love to you.

[OutOfWit]

Healingmom please message me- i am in a similar situation.