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Jesssy

I’m struggling to disclose to my husband

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Starting from the beginning.  About 8 months (give or take) before we met. I experienced an “outbreak”. I went to the Dr and she said it did look like herpes but took swabs to confirm. I lost myself that day! Like most of everyone else I thought my life was over, no one would want me.  My emotions that week were a roller coaster. I told two people I was close two and they actually didn’t judge me so I started to think things would actually be ok.  A week later the Dr calls me and says that the test came back negative. Again with the freaking roller coaster! I was ecstatic tho. The relief that washed over me when I heard her say that was phenomenal!  Naturally I went on about my life, I met my now husband. Fell in love, but I never felt the need to say anything to him cause I mean why, she said negative! I never went back for a follow up to figure out what exactly it was, so never took any specific blood tests. After we decided to be “serious” I did go for my physical, had tests run for STDs. All negative, all tests came back negative! {{Of course now after reading up I find out most Drs do not run the blood test for Herpes in the standard STD panel or whatever {face palm}} Being honest tho in the back of my head I felt off all those years tho. 

Fast forward 4 years later and BOOM! I notice a small cluster of like 3 bumps on my butt one day. They werent blisters but alil painful. But I guess being naive I didn’t think much about it. Than like a year later after a miscarriage, I noticed a small bump on my inner thigh. This time just one, again not blistered but painful and my heart dropped. I knew immediately what it was. That world ending feeling came back like a Mac truck.  

But how do I tell my husband now. I’ve struggled for 2 years, he hasn’t had any outbreaks or symptoms. I do feel some relief about that but still my heart and soul is in so much pain right now. I’m really struggling. I know I’m a crappy person. I feel like scum for waiting this long to say something. It’s definitely a constant battle.  

I disclosed here first. Hoping for some encouraging words cause I plan on telling him this week. We’ve been separated since January due to other reasons but honestly deep down the guilt has just consumed me. 

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Jessy, I think you disclose in a way that is similar to what you've written here. Explain that, once upon a time, you had something happen that you thought might be an outbreak. You went to the doctor and were tested. The doctor told you everything was negative and you were thrilled and went on with your life. Now you are experiencing something again and you are concerned and want to get re-tested. You have done research and have learned some things that make you worry that the original doctor was either mistaken or poorly informed. You don't know what you are going to find out from the testing, but now you are worried what he is going to think about the situation.

You have done nothing wrong. You acted out of certainty and faith in the doctor's opinion at the time. You've learned new information and you desire to be proactive about it. You can do this. 

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2 hours ago, makepeacewithit said:

Jessy, I think you disclose in a way that is similar to what you've written here. Explain that, once upon a time, you had something happen that you thought might be an outbreak. You went to the doctor and were tested. The doctor told you everything was negative and you were thrilled and went on with your life. Now you are experiencing something again and you are concerned and want to get re-tested. You have done research and have learned some things that make you worry that the original doctor was either mistaken or poorly informed. You don't know what you are going to find out from the testing, but now you are worried what he is going to think about the situation.

You have done nothing wrong. You acted out of certainty and faith in the doctor's opinion at the time. You've learned new information and you desire to be proactive about it. You can do this. 

Exactly THIS!

You were not being deceptive and not disclosing a positive result. You were living your life based on information that was given to you by your doctor and had no reason to believe that you had HSV. Now that you have symptoms presenting, tell your husband and both of you can go get tested.

Honestly, for all you know, you really were negative back then and your now-husband was an asymptomatic carrier all this time and gave it to you unknowingly. HSV is so common that it's possible that he is positive and doesn't know. The best thing you can do is be honest with your husband, get tested, get confirmation, and move on. If your husband is negative, then you'll know to take measures to protect him. If he's positive too, then honestly, you just move on as you were.

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@makepeacewithit @100918Thank you both! We’ve been going to therapy working through the other issues that have affected our marriage. Our next session I do plan to tell him.  The fear is definitely a crippling feeling but I think I’ve come to terms with whatever at this point is meant to be will be and either way I will be OK!  This isn’t the end for me and I know that. 

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If you end up needing additional support, for instance if your therapist or your husband doesn't understand some of the basic facts about how herpes can lurk around for years without you knowing it, Terri Warren, a expert on the issue, can be consulted for a small fee at Westover Heights Clinic's forums, and her or other doctors can explain the truth of your situation for a fee at the forums at askexpertsnow

There's a lot of misinformation and misunderstandings about how herpes works, and the internet is a confusing and murky place sometimes, but sites like those I mentioned can be helpful when you need a "straight from the expert's mouth" sort of thing. I consult the Westover forums all the time because I trust the info she provides and appreciate the incredible patience she shows with the paranoia and upset we H folks are always spewing at her. Additionally Terri Warren has written a good book on herpes called "The Good News about the Bad News" that includes the sort of situation you are dealing with. It's possible she might have something about it in the free downloadable Herpes Handbook, too. I can't remember for sure.

Good luck, we're rooting for you!

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