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Alena

Please Send Positivity

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Hey there. It’s been about a little over a month since I was diagnosed with Herpes in my mouth and in my genitals. After my first outbreak, I felt good and life went back to normal. I still see my friends a lot and enjoy college life and go about my day to day and try not to dwell too much. I’m not super sure if I’ve fully forgiven myself for contracting this illness. I still wish I could go back and not sleep around and not trust my ex as much as I did. I wish I could erase all the traumatic memories of the nights I hooked up with randos and the ER visit. I feel haunted. And I feel especially bad when I get a reminder that I still have Herpes and it’s a lifelong disease because I had my second outbreak a few days ago. I got ahold of my Valtrex asap and took the full prescription in the allotted time and my genital lesion cleared up but a day after ending the Valtrex, I noticed a painful sore right between my lip and my gum. The pain had been bugging me all day and I just looked in the mirror and I’m pretty positive it’s a Herpes sore. I know that it’s not the end of my world. I know it doesn’t control my life. But, when I see symptoms, it triggers very stressful, sad memories for me. Memories full of anger and resentment towards myself and the people I allowed myself to be so vulnerable with. I’d like to say I’ve made progress because I have but symptoms are a setback. They’re a reminder. They’re a trigger. I’m only 18. I’m in college. All I want is to be normal and be able to have fun and not have to worry about my dating life. Because sex right now is scary for me. Kissing is scary for me. I just need some positive thoughts. I need some feedback on how to live with this and not trigger constant regret every time I have an outbreak. It sucks and it makes me feel so low. I’m sorry for the long rant but I’m feeling lost and hopeless right now.

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I know how you feel. I just discovered I have it, and many memories of red flags I ignored are flooding my mind. Resentments towards my girlfriend , but mainly , resentment and hatred of myself. 

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We all make mistakes , its just unfortunate that some mistakes have permanent consequences but the moment you start accepting it, the better. You are probably srressing so the outbreaks are frequent

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