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Jasmine10

I finally see myself one day being able to share my diagnosis with others (yes I've kept it to myself for a year) and also tip: watching live comedy!

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I am 1 year post diagnosis and I cannot believe I am still unable to accept my diagnosis.  Still can't believe I have this FOR LIFE, still wondering if I will ever have another happy day in my life.

Then I decided to go to a standup comedy show.  And I highly recommend it if you haven't tried! (but see someone good) Having a live experience, with fellow human beings, with a real live person standing in front of you (as opposed to seeing someone on TV and MAYBE chuckling to yourself all alone) was such a great experience.  I had bought tickets but before the show I was moping in bed thinking how much I hated my life (and I used to LOVE my life. not always, but literally the few months leading up to the fucking whammy I had finally gotten to a place where I felt happy on a consistent basis and felt that I loved my life - life is such a dick ain't it??) and that fuck it i'll just not go even though i bought tix and just be depressed in bed the rest of the night.

So how was it?  Well I had some fun laughs, and not one but TWO - one of those gut busting, delicious laugh your HEART out laughs. 2 amazing moments when i FORGOT. I forgot about H. Forgot about the loveless life I think i'm doomed to be living forever.  Interestingly enough the second after those delicious laughs came I teared up.  To see what a contrast the magical moment was from the reality of how I have been feeling for so long. And I think I cried also because I realized I haven't laughed like that in forever.  Although I haven't been feeling all doom and gloom for over a year. Post diagnosis I didn't date for a chunk of time and decided to just not even THINK about dating someone, and actually got to a pretty happy place again when dating was just NOT on my radar.  But then I met a guy I really liked, and the depression and reality and fear and emotions have hit me HARD again like a ton of bricks, and all the old stuff I had just put aside as I went through my days trying (and VERY often succeeding) to forget about this shit came pouring down on me again (and i've been struggling for a few MONTHS with my relapse it's not even days or even weeks)

So I came on these forums to just share this tip of hey go see a LIVE comedy show, and saw this inspiration section (which I haven't come to in a while, I had been reading my EYES out in just the disclosure section - still scares the living shit out of me) and I couldn't stop reading! I read one person's thoughts (on hindsight) that really struck me. now that she is several years post D, she kicks herself for all the time and energy and emotions she "wasted" feeling depressed and woe is me. When things did NOT turn out to be so terrible afterall. And I think to myself "that is my NOW. I am doing the thing now that I could very well be kicking myself in the butt years later. So fucking snap out of it!"  

So the comedy show PLUS this section is putting me in a far better mood now than before when I was on my bed wishing this would all just go the F away. And reading some of the posts is finally making me even begin to ENTERTAIN the idea of at least telling ONE friend ( I haven't told a single fucking friend. Hence the enhanced isolation.  But some posters said it helped, ONE gf with H mentioned that in telling people about it it helped her to accept it as people told her there was nothing wrong with her and most dudes didn't care what?! so now I'm at least entertaining the idea, and while my coping mechanism this past year has been ignore and not think about it (i don''t get OBs so it's easier) i now at least see that at SOME POINT (not NOW NOW but somepoint in the future) I could actually start coming out about it and from there, actually finally healing the stigma within me. But that said, I think i'm gonna go back to forgetting about dating for another several more months LOL cos at least I was pretty happy then.  But at least I finally see this third way as POSSIBLE instead of just either denial or doom and gloom! 

 

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@Jasmine10

Yay! So glad to read your post and see you are making progress in accepting your diagnosis and moving forward and finding happiness!  Yes it comes in fits and starts. You'll feel good then the prospect of telling someone will send you into a tail spin. Just keep moving forward. I've actually written on here about using comedy to jump start me out of my depression. Only I binge on SNL clips on youtube for my "hit" lol.  Other things I recommend: hiking, joining meetup groups, taking myself out to dinner and eating at the bar (where I almost always end up having a fun conversation with someone). Basically get out of the house and do something to feel human and connected with the world again instead of getting stuck inside your head.  Glad you are doing so as well!!  

PS I'm getting ready to disclose probably this week. I am suddenly getting little freak out moments. Then I will find myself laughing at myself in disbelief b/c I am so comfortable with this. I know it is because I really like him and yes it will hurt a little if this situation is not for him, but I know I am awesome and it will not be the end of me by no means.

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@Jasmine10

whoops its been a long time since I signed on so sorry for the late reply Jasmine....well good and bad news on your question. That disclosure went very well (back in January lol).  We were on a 3rd or 4th date at a very nice dinner and I decided to tell him there (usually I do it in a private place but after our last date the goodnight kiss was becoming a bit hot and heavy and I didn't wanted to have this discussion before we got in that situation again). He was surprised and then said he didn't want to let it stop him from getting to know me.  By the end of dinner he just couldn't stop gushing about how happy he has been since meeting me. It quickly turned into a serious relationship, great sex and all, but the bad news is we started butting heads about some important issues and several months later we ended the relationship. I was sad at the time but am now very glad about it.  BUT.... I just had a disclosure a few days ago on a 2nd date with a new guy. He also was surprised and asked a few questions and that was it.  Then scooped me up in his arms and we had our first make out session.  I'm not sure if this one will continue much longer, there's some big lifestyle differences and I think I'm in  very different place in my life than him but it is fun having some company right now.  We have not had sex but he wants to.  

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