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Jasmine10

Why do some people not care about Herpes?

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Hi,

Qn for those who have disclosed and found that there were people who didn't give a damn about Herpes. Are you able to explain why they don't care about something that so many of us here think would be the end of our dating life? 

I feel like if I knew WHY people didn't care I can start to believe that I can disclose and have guys not care (or even if they care, not ENOUGH to keep them away from my sexy ass!). From my vantage point whenever I hear "I disclosed and he didn't care at all!" I always ask WHY?? Why would he/she not care about a disease that CAN (although mostly doesn't) cause horrible blisters on a very delicate area, and might give you more of these every few months (or more often!) and that if YOU tell people they will run for the hills (which is what we have been told). Why are all these people not caring? I've had two girlfriends tell me in their experience men haven't cared (for the most part) I'm astounded. how can this be the case when it's been so entrenched in our culture as being this awful horrible thing nobody will want you if you have?

Would LOVE any insights thanks!

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My guy is one of the ones who does not care, has not cared from the beginning. We've been together almost a year and it has never been an issue.

When I told him, his response was first to make sure that I said HSV and not HIV...and once he clarified that, he was like, "Oh, so it's just herpes? Yeah, that's nothing." And then basically asked me if we could have sex. lol

I don't know exactly why he was never put off by it...I think it's because he's older (we both are) and educated about it and knows that it's not a death sentence. Other than that, I don't know. I like to think that he simply thinks I'm worth the risk. 

I will also add that in the time we've been together, I've never had an outbreak...and we've been having unprotected sex for the majority of our relationship - I don't recommend this, but it works for us. 😉

I had someone else who I disclosed to before I met my boyfriend (someone else I briefly dated), and he initially was like, "Nope. I don't want to risk my health"...in other words, "You're not worth the risk", which is cool and is his choice. And then after I met my boyfriend and he didn't care about it, and the other guy saw that I am in a relationship with someone and happy, he decided that he also didn't care about the herpes and he wanted me. Too late...and thank God for his initial rejection because my boyfriend now is WORLDS better than this other guy ever could have dreamed to be! So, I firmly believe that HSV has been a blessing to me and is a great way to weed out the asses.

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I had a person disclose to me and I have continued the relationship. It's not that I don't care. I like the person more than I hate the virus I guess? 

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I think its because its so common and it really is just a skin condition (an really annoying one) i used to get eczema and it reminds me of it when it would flare up randomly. Its the stigma thats the killer!

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Great topic and question!!!  I've been on both sides of the coin and it's definitely an interesting conversation.  

My ex years ago had oral HSV-1 and I didn't know until he got a blister and he wanted to "talk."  Looking back, I know how hard it was for him to disclose to me.  He didn't even it call it herpes, just that he cold these blisters every now and then and has since he a kid. I told him, oh yea, you have herpes. Okay - can we go eat? (I was really hungry lol). At first he didn't think I heard him, but I had and was already aware of the frequency of oral herpes and wasn't too concerned.  Like Yolo said, I liked him more than I worried about the diseases.  Maybe there was some "untiouchable-ness" about it, but with proper education and action it just wasn't a huge deal in the grand scheme of things.  We had a good relationship, great sex and didn't worry too much about it.

Fast forward a year or so, and I'm diagnosed with genital HSV-2.  After the initial shock and wave of emotions and feeling like I couldn't date again, life kept on pushing and so did I.  I had too many really great things going at that time to really slow down into a downward spiral.   I've disclosed to every partner since then - and honestly, none have been overly concerned.  One had a long-time girlfriend in college with HSV so he was well aware, another really liked me and took the initiative to learn about it and once educated realized it wasn't a big deal (after we broke up, his next girl has it too and he was all kinds of prepared for it - I like to think I helped that :-) )   Another guy said when you accept someone, you accept everything about them. 

So I guess what I've found is that it's not so much that people "don't care," it's just not as much a focus for them as the other great and attractive things about you.  That's something I had to remind myself of in the beginning too - HSV is not WHO I am, its something I have, manage and deal with.  I also think it depends on how severe your symptoms are.  If you're within the first year and having frequent outbreaks, yea - it's gonna be on your mind a lot more than if you only OB every six months or so.  

 

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I often wonder about this myself. I have HSV2 and to be honest, after living with it, knowing what I know, I wouldn’t have been comfortable dating someone who had it. It’s been that bad for me. And that doesn’t make me a jerk. Or anyone else not worth it.  Everyone has their reasons and are entitled to them. I wouldn’t want anyone to have the experience I’ve had. The first 6 years were not a huge deal overall. The past year has been brutal. Full of pain and tears and sleep. I am hopefully improving now. I’m trying really hard. A few thoughts on why they don’t seem to care..  I don’t think people realize how it can impact their health over a lifetime. They think they won’t actually get it. They are just super awesome humans who really do love you. They realize that so many people have it that if the government doesn’t help us, we all will lol. And I think they do care, but they don’t want to sound like a jerk. And then when they have time to process it, love conquers all and they decide that they do see you instead of your disease and are willing to hold your hand through it all. HSV gives relationships a pause and a real ness that likely doesn’t happen otherwise. I think it can take your relationship to the next level and change tour opinion of people. It’s both a blessing and a curse. Much love 

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