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Rugbyguy22

My first rejection

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Just had my first rejection. Here's the story, my friend set me up with his friend. Really nice girl, genuine and funny. I met her initially one weekend and messaged her after, talking daily. I met with her another weekend. We had a great night at a bar, go to the bed but I was too intoxicated. We just went to bed. This is about a month in since I first met her. Before she leaves I invite her to a ball, that is happening in a month. She ends up coming for the entire weekend. Things are going great, however, on the last night we're about to have sex. I break her the news that I have herpes, except I'm really nervous and I portray the shame of having it with my delivery. I don't really say much, we just sat there. She leaves the next day, we really don't talk about it. I didnt want to pressure her or anything so I gave her some time. We were still talking everyday, but I have a sense that she's just being nice. So I ask her what she's thinking and how she feels. I wanted to know to see if I should ask to see her again. While the truth meant a lot to her, it wasn't enough and she just wants to be friends. It fuckin sucks, I feel like shit and I'm a wreck right now. I'm not a very emotional guy but this hurts. I know I did the right thing, and I will continue to the right thing. I guess the lessons learned are this: I) the delivery is important and 2) don't wait too long because the rejection will hurt more. The rejection is something different, it's different because I was rejected because of herpes and that hits on another level. The only problem I see with the lessons learned is that if you tell them right away then they are not committed to you and its easy to walk away. They don't feel attached and it's easier just to avoid you instead of making it work by managing it. Comments, advice, etc. Cheers 

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I’m literally going through the same thing right now...I think I disclosed too soon. But we had SUCH a strong connection. I disclosed yesterday morning...he was appreciative and said he needed time to strongly think about it and wanted to still talk while he does. But, today...a couple txts earlier then nothing for the rest of the day which is NOT how it’s been. I REALLY felt a connection and know he did too so this is strictly Bc of the H. It blows. It really does. I’m so angry. And so so sad. I’m not emotional either but this just sucks. This was my first disclosure as well. 

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21 hours ago, Fmals said:

I’m literally going through the same thing right now...I think I disclosed too soon. But we had SUCH a strong connection. I disclosed yesterday morning...he was appreciative and said he needed time to strongly think about it and wanted to still talk while he does. But, today...a couple txts earlier then nothing for the rest of the day which is NOT how it’s been. I REALLY felt a connection and know he did too so this is strictly Bc of the H. It blows. It really does. I’m so angry. And so so sad. I’m not emotional either but this just sucks. This was my first disclosure as well. 

I think moving forward I need to keep the mindset that some people will be okay with it and some will not, that even with the best delivery and connection, it can be a deal breaker with some people. I think telling someone early is the best option. Saves yourself time and more of a heartache. 

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Honestly, I wouldn’t beat yourself up too much about when you choose to disclose.  I’ve had plenty of partners who didn’t care and I usually only disclose when it’s clear we’re about to have sex.

Delivering the message without shame and without seeming like you’re apologizing (because you truly have nothing to be sorry about!) is important, but it takes time to get to the point where you can do that.

I just think it’s easy to get in your own head and believe that herpes makes you deserving of rejection.  It doesn’t.  And for most of us I think we’ve had plenty of soul crushing rejection in our dating lives before herpes, so just treat any new ones the same way.  Which is to say, feel totally heartbroken for a while and then realize that person wasn’t right for you and move on.

My feeling is that anyone who rejects you because of herpes is rejecting you because of the stigma and, if you want to dispel that stigma with other people, you first have to stop buying into it yourself.  Obviously that’s a tall order because it means letting go of the shame and all the bad feelings you have about it.  But I swear it doesn’t make you less of a person, doesn’t make you any less desirable and won’t be a reason for someone who truly cares about you to walk away.

I’m sorry you got hurt!  Dating sucks, but when it doesn’t it’s soooooo good!  So keep at it 😜

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I usually wait until things are taking a turn towards sex then disclose. I feel better if I don't wait too long, that way it doesn't feel like I am "lying" to them the whole time. But I have really only had a couple people say no thank you. The rest were on board after a few questions. So everyone is different. Just keep your thoughts positive and it will get easier with time and practice. Full disclosure I've had my Dx for 7 years now. I have had a couple serious relationships and a few casual encounters... But I am still single so take my words with a grain of salt. 😉

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