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Love life officially over


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I was diagnosed 2 days ago. Upon reading rejection stories, I just really think I will refrain from dating from here on out. Rejection was something I dealt with enough before this, and I don’t think I could possibly handle being rejected because of my new condition. I also don’t want anyone to know about this, and telling a potential partner in the beginning stages of dating know sounds scary. What if they told everyone they knew? What if they said something on social media? What if we have mutual friends and they find out? Just doesn’t seem worth it to me. I would hate to be alone forever, but this is my new normal and the cards I’ve been dealt. I’m in so much pain and discomfort I would never want to put that on another person. I know this post sounds very bleak but I just need to say how I’m feeling rn. Any guidance would be appreciated. I feel like this was the nail in the coffin for any potential love life, and the best I can do is try to keep it a secret from everyone I know (except very close friends that I trust). 

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I totally understand where your head is at right now because I’ve been there, too.  I was diagnosed five years ago and had some similar thoughts then.  Since then I’ve disclosed to a number of partners and found that people pleasantly surprise you when you give them the opportunity.

I’ve shared with a number of partners who were totally nonplussed and two who really surprised me with how much they knew about it.  One said “I think the stigma associated with it is totally undeserved” and the other told me it just wasn’t a big deal.

For me the worst disclosure result was a potential partner who felt I owed him something because I had herpes.  Like it made me less than somehow and like I should be grateful he was willing to be with me and he expected the sex to be only about him instead of about us.  I walked away from that because I don’t believe that any STI or really any characteristic any of us has makes us less deserving of an equal partnership.

I don’t know if this helps, but when you ask those what if questions, what is the worst case scenario answer?  If people find out, does that make you a lesser person?  Do you think that makes you less valuable to the people who care about you?  If you disclosed to someone and they publicly shamed you on social media or told all their friends, to anyone with a heart, that person looks like the jerk, not you.  And that’s not someone you want in your life anyway, right?

You are still deserving of love and can have a fun and fulfilling love life in spite of having herpes.  I hope your fears of disclosure and rejection don’t keep you off dating permanently because you will miss out on all of the good stuff, too, just to avoid the a**holes who could be cruel about it.  I don’t know where you’re at on this, but I don’t want you dating those a**holes!  If they treat you poorly because you have a sexually transmitted skin condition, good riddance and next, please.  They’re not worth another thought after they show their true colors.
 

Going out there and dating and disclosing also helps to get rid of the stigma (and my ex is right, it is 100% undeserved) one person at a time.  I for one got the virus from a partner who disclosed he had it.  I knew I was attracted to the person and him having an STI didn’t change that and didn’t affect his ability to be a good partner.  I’m not interested in being with anyone who doesn’t feel the same way and I hope that, one day, you can get there, too.

Lastly, you don’t have to feel like dating necessarily means you are passing on the pain of your experience to future partners.  It’s different for everyone and as long as you are open with each other and make decisions that keep both of you safe, you are doing your best to protect them.  If you do end up transmitting it, they might think you’re well worth a little pain that can come along with it.

I hope this wasn’t too long.  Just let yourself have your feelings right now, they are totally normal, but don’t get too comfy in that dark place.  I’m here if you want someone to talk to 🙂

 

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30 minutes ago, kingrat23 said:

I totally understand where your head is at right now because I’ve been there, too.  I was diagnosed five years ago and had some similar thoughts then.  Since then I’ve disclosed to a number of partners and found that people pleasantly surprise you when you give them the opportunity.

I’ve shared with a number of partners who were totally nonplussed and two who really surprised me with how much they knew about it.  One said “I think the stigma associated with it is totally undeserved” and the other told me it just wasn’t a big deal.

For me the worst disclosure result was a potential partner who felt I owed him something because I had herpes.  Like it made me less than somehow and like I should be grateful he was willing to be with me and he expected the sex to be only about him instead of about us.  I walked away from that because I don’t believe that any STI or really any characteristic any of us has makes us less deserving of an equal partnership.

I don’t know if this helps, but when you ask those what if questions, what is the worst case scenario answer?  If people find out, does that make you a lesser person?  Do you think that makes you less valuable to the people who care about you?  If you disclosed to someone and they publicly shamed you on social media or told all their friends, to anyone with a heart, that person looks like the jerk, not you.  And that’s not someone you want in your life anyway, right?

You are still deserving of love and can have a fun and fulfilling love life in spite of having herpes.  I hope your fears of disclosure and rejection don’t keep you off dating permanently because you will miss out on all of the good stuff, too, just to avoid the a**holes who could be cruel about it.  I don’t know where you’re at on this, but I don’t want you dating those a**holes!  If they treat you poorly because you have a sexually transmitted skin condition, good riddance and next, please.  They’re not worth another thought after they show their true colors.
 

Going out there and dating and disclosing also helps to get rid of the stigma (and my ex is right, it is 100% undeserved) one person at a time.  I for one got the virus from a partner who disclosed he had it.  I knew I was attracted to the person and him having an STI didn’t change that and didn’t affect his ability to be a good partner.  I’m not interested in being with anyone who doesn’t feel the same way and I hope that, one day, you can get there, too.

Lastly, you don’t have to feel like dating necessarily means you are passing on the pain of your experience to future partners.  It’s different for everyone and as long as you are open with each other and make decisions that keep both of you safe, you are doing your best to protect them.  If you do end up transmitting it, they might think you’re well worth a little pain that can come along with it.

I hope this wasn’t too long.  Just let yourself have your feelings right now, they are totally normal, but don’t get too comfy in that dark place.  I’m here if you want someone to talk to 🙂

 

I am in tears reading this. Thank you for taking the time to write all of that, every word resonated with me and was comforting. I’m going to screen shot it so I can read it when I get really down. I would love to talk further about it if you’d be willing, as I don’t really have people in my life who understand what I’m going through right now. 

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  • 3 weeks later...

Hey.  Pretty powerful response.  I am new to the forum and  recently diagnosed.  I too am really freaked out.  It's like my world has been incinerated.  I dont even know what else to write.  But I do kno im not in a good place right now.  If my faith wasnt so strong no telling how these nxt couple days go.

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