He gave me this, now how do I let him love me?

[S4help]

I just found out yesterday that I have genital herpes. A bit of context. About two weeks ago my boyfriend of six months gave me oral (not the first time). A day after the fact, he came home from work and said he had a bump on his lip and didn't want to kiss me. (He later shared he's dealt with cold sores in the past.) A couple days go by, and I started having symptoms I've never experienced before. Doctor confirmed and said that he likely was shedding the virus before his cold sore appeared on his lip. How did this happen? I'm devastated, angry, and confused. 

I told him the news and asked for space so I can process this and heal. He was supportive and loving, but is feeling hurt that I'm pushing him away. I honestly feel like I can't let him be a part of this. It's too shameful and embarrassing to let anyone be a part of this; to witness what I'm going through.

Even though this wasn't directly his fault, I'm so angry at him and at life in general. My life is forever changed now, and I feel this need for him to acknowledge that he gave me this, that this wasn't my fault. Maybe that would help with the shame that I'm feeling? I also feel like he should share in the financial responsibility of this. I will be on daily medication for the rest of my life and it's expensive. Is it fair of me to ask him to pay?

I feel diseased, disgusting, resentful, and unworthy of love, and can't imagine letting him or anyone else near me. Also, the thought of potentially giving this to him terrifies me. I have no idea what the next weeks and months will look like for my body. I'm unsure how to navigate this, but I feel that I could deal with this diagnosis better (and maybe even find a way to be happy again?) if it was just me and I didn't have to include him.

Is herpes a death sentence to a new relationship?

[100918]

I'm going to try to be gentle here...so I apologize if it doesn't seem like it.

Do you suddenly think your boyfriend is diseased, disgusting, and unworthy of love because he has Oral Herpes? 

Yes, he shed and gave you genital HSV-1 (still the oral herpes virus, but on your genitals). I am certain he feels absolutely awful about it and was likely uneducated about the fact that he could shed it without a sore or that he could spread it to your genitals. I don't think it was malicious of him or that he was trying to hide it. I suspect that he probably didn't think it was a big deal as long as he avoided contact while he had a sore. He was wrong, but I don't think he was trying to be deceitful.

You may be on medication for a while. You may choose to be on meds for the rest of your life. I have never been on meds and never intend to be. I met my boyfriend, disclosed (I am positive for HSV-2, the genital herpes virus), and he never batted an eye about it. He did not find me to be diseased, disgusting, or unworthy of love. He was negative for HSV when we met. He is still fortunately negative and we've been together for a year. 

If you care for him, why would you shut him out? Let him be there for you. I don't blame him for feeling hurt that you're pushing him away. He is trying to be there for you. If he was a jerk, he would have bolted when you told him. 

And if you don't end up staying with him, do not worry about dating in the future...you may find people who are not accepting, but there are definitely men out there who will not be put off by it and will want to be with you because of who you are...and you are NOT a virus. You are a woman who has a variety of the herpes virus...chicken pox is also part of the herpes family...so if you've ever had chicken pox or the chicken pox vaccine, you have been exposed to the herpes virus already anyway. This the same family. It is not a death sentence in any way.

Breathe. And know that you will be fine.

[MarieH]

1. As someone who has the same form of HSV you have by the same cause=oral (in my case he WAS a jerk but that's not the point). 

    2. someone who had a scare of possibly passing it to my current boyfriend (turned out I didn't, just a random skin infection) 

Let me tell you a few things about how he is feeling.

-sad, remorseful, scared, dirty, and shamed. made worse by your pushing him away. He didn't mean to do this to you, he IS sorry. When I found out I may have given it to my boyfriend I had a panic attack in the stairwell at work bc I was so upset. He is not taking this lightly and I DO understand how you feel. read my first few posts I ever made on here if you want to relate to someone lol. but talk to your boyfriend, he's upset, let him be with you. I WISH I had that support when I got it