Mortified

[TheCat]

I have sentenced myself to herpes-only dating sites (which I've found to be the woooooorst), because I am so sick of having "the talk".  The last time I had "the talk", he revealed that he had oral herpes.  I was none too thrilled to hear that after we'd already made out quite a bit.  I'm okay with oral herpes, even though I don't have it.  I just want people to be honest with me, because I'm honest about my situation (which is genital herpes).  So, after I tell him that I have genital herpes he proceeds to... ask for a blowjob.  I haven't felt quite that humiliated in a very long time.  He watched me struggle through the conversation, and then he straight up disrespected me.  I was utterly mortified. 

I am a divorced mother of two with a full-time job as a civil servant for a very popular U.S. city, and I'm a part-time student.  I am not some young, dumb, inexperienced no self-respect having whatever.  On top of that, we were sitting in my car in the parking lot of a restaurant.  What kind of a woman had he thought I was, I don't know.  A woman of loose morals because I have herpes?  I'm good-looking, smart, fun, hard-working, kindhearted, and all of these amazing things that turn men on.  But I'm not some I-don't-know-what-you-wanna-call-it who goes down on men in parked cars.  Fuuuuuudge!  I don't know how much more of this I can take.  I feel so discouraged.

People, people who think they know me, keep saying that I'll find someone.  But they don't know about my diagnosis and how effing hard it is to date in this situation.  They keep saying ignorant things like, "You're soooo cute, though!  You're bound to find someone!"  Herpes ain't cute, lemme tell ya.  Ugh!  I'm so lonely and so depressed that I'm starting to become suicidal.  I've increased my therapy sessions to once a week.  I'm trying to find in-person support groups in my area.  I don't have my kids all the time, and being physically alone so much is taking a toll on my mental health.  I can't take it any longer.  I frankly just want to die.

[DoesntDefineMe]

Coming from someone who’s mother attempted suicide, stay. Your children are worth staying for. Your life is worth staying for. Your love life is not a reason to leave. It will happen when it’s suppose to happen. You draw what you think you deserve. So if you think you don’t deserve the best, then you will attract the worst. Filter out the shitheads and get yourself a MAN. Raise your standards..do not lower them.  Focus on you and the rest will follow. Hugs!

[TheCat]

29 minutes ago, DoesntDefineMe said:

Coming from someone who’s mother attempted suicide, stay. Your children are worth staying for. Your life is worth staying for. Your love life is not a reason to leave. It will happen when it’s suppose to happen. You draw what you think you deserve. So if you think you don’t deserve the best, then you will attract the worst. Filter out the shitheads and get yourself a MAN. Raise your standards..do not lower them.  Focus on you and the rest will follow. Hugs!

Hi, DoesntDefineMe.  Thanks for your reply.  I'm really sorry to hear that you've had that experience with your mother.  I don't know what it's like to be on that end of things.  But I do know what it's like to be on my end of things.  And I know it's really important to be able to say that I want to die without folks taking that as me saying I'm going to kill myself.  Those are two different things, and a very important distinction.  My kids are always set.  They are taken care of, but I also deserve to be happy.  I also deserve to have a life outside of motherhood.  Also, this is not just about my dating life.  This is about being physically alone.  A lot.  Which I'm trying to fix.  And it's hard being in school, and having shared custody of my kids, and living alone.  It makes for lots of alone time.   I'm a pretty rad chick, and I do have high standards.  I KNOW I deserve the best.   I refuse to settle. This is why I'm still alone.  I've been focusing on me for the past four years, and that's a really long time to be alone.  So this is making life really, really hard.  I'm alone and lonely.  Two different things that I'm experiencing at the same time, and it's really intense.  I'm kind of experiencing a unique time in my life in which I'm doing all the right things and I'm just having to ride out the difficulties.  That's why I'm here on this forum.  I'm just trying to reach out to others and hold on as best I can.  Again, thank you for reaching out.  It's what I crave.  Human interaction.  

[greydaysandbrighternights]

We have to find a way to go on. Somehow. I just don’t know how.im in awe of you for even facing “ the talk” in the first place. I’m a coward!  I was diagnosed 11th August 2018. And it has absolutely ruined my life. I am resigned to being single forever because I refuse to put anyone else at risk without their knowledge and yet I know I’ll never tell a soul so long as I live. My outbreaks are now very few compared to the first year. I get one only now when I have an illness. Particularly a cold. That’s the only time. And it’s one, slightly uncomfortable sore that heals within hours now and not weeks which strengthens my resolve to not use anti virals although, I wish I had the courage sometimes to go to my sexual health clinic and be honest because even a tiny outbreak, takes me into a depression that drags me back down into self loathing and deep regret,  but I just can’t. I just can’t find the strength. I’ve lost all interest in everything from my personal appearance to my home and work. I tried counselling but I just couldn’t bring myself to say the words. I just don’t know how to make this bearable. Im a single mum also, to 3 daughters. Two still at home. I know your loneliness and I don’t intend to make you feel worse... just let you know that you are definitely not alone. 
x 

[TheCat]

2 hours ago, greydaysandbrighternights said:

We have to find a way to go on. Somehow. I just don’t know how.im in awe of you for even facing “ the talk” in the first place. I’m a coward!  I was diagnosed 11th August 2018. And it has absolutely ruined my life. I am resigned to being single forever because I refuse to put anyone else at risk without their knowledge and yet I know I’ll never tell a soul so long as I live. My outbreaks are now very few compared to the first year. I get one only now when I have an illness. Particularly a cold. That’s the only time. And it’s one, slightly uncomfortable sore that heals within hours now and not weeks which strengthens my resolve to not use anti virals although, I wish I had the courage sometimes to go to my sexual health clinic and be honest because even a tiny outbreak, takes me into a depression that drags me back down into self loathing and deep regret,  but I just can’t. I just can’t find the strength. I’ve lost all interest in everything from my personal appearance to my home and work. I tried counselling but I just couldn’t bring myself to say the words. I just don’t know how to make this bearable. Im a single mum also, to 3 daughters. Two still at home. I know your loneliness and I don’t intend to make you feel worse... just let you know that you are definitely not alone. 
x 

You have NOT made me feel worse, you have made me feel less alone.  And I feel DEEP empathy for you.  If it weren't for my basic needs going unmet and knowing that I need to hang on for those in my life, I wouldn't still be trying to find a mate.  I've been living with genital herpes for 14 years, and I've had plenty of dates, plenty of sex (so much good sex!!!), two marriages, and two babies all during that time.  It is so incredibly possible to have a normal life with herpes.  Lots of people don't really care.  Some other people even have it.  I actually didn't really have a hard time with disclosing it until more recently when I got pickier about men.  I need a deeper emotional and mental connection now before I'll even think about sleeping with someone.  So, things have gotten a lot more lonely lately.  That's all. 

Here's how I usually think of it: I didn't choose to have herpes, but assholes choose to be assholes.  I'd rather have an innocuous skin condition than a character defect.  Because one of those things I didn't ask for and I can't change, and the other is an absolute choice.  This is the lowest low I've ever experienced surrounding this issue in my life, and I'm already feeling better.  What changes is never the world around me, but instead it's always my thinking.  Sometimes my thinking is very narrow and dark.  It gets that way when I'm exhausted, overextended, not having my needs met, stressed, etc. etc. 

It is very, VERY important that we be able to talk about our depression freely and openly, no matter how deep and dark it is.  It's when we're forced into hiding that things get dangerous, because people feel ashamed and feel that they can't say what they need to.  That's when they take drastic measures in seek of relief.  So I'm so very glad that you commented on my post.  You have no idea.  I was starting to get bummed out that no one was saying anything.  I was contemplating deleting my post and my account.  I want you to go get the things that you need and want in life.  Now!!!!  ❤️

[Jessica0520]

I was diagnosed at 21, i just turned 24. I may be young but we relate on this one topic. PLEASE don’t feel like herpes dating sites are all you deserve. Even at my lowest I never considered it because herpes is NOT who i am it’s just what i happen to have. I found myself in a domestic relationship, being mentally physically & verbally abused bc i met someone who had hsv 2 as well and i felt like we were meant to be together bc of that.. Some people will care and may not want to peruse if you disclose but there are people who will love you regardless. Disclosing always scared me and when I met my bf I disclosed fast bc I felt like he would just leave so I made it easy but he looked at me and shrugged his shoulders and was like welll educate me cause this isn’t going to push me away, this is one tiny thing compared to all the great things you are and that warmed me.. because even if me and him don’t work out one day he set a standard for me. I will never let anyone treat me any less again. Date whoever, do whatever! THIS DOES NOT DEFINE YOU!!!!! 

[greydaysandbrighternights]

On 2/13/2020 at 5:14 AM, TheCat said:

You have NOT made me feel worse, you have made me feel less alone.  And I feel DEEP empathy for you.  If it weren't for my basic needs going unmet and knowing that I need to hang on for those in my life, I wouldn't still be trying to find a mate.  I've been living with genital herpes for 14 years, and I've had plenty of dates, plenty of sex (so much good sex!!!), two marriages, and two babies all during that time.  It is so incredibly possible to have a normal life with herpes.  Lots of people don't really care.  Some other people even have it.  I actually didn't really have a hard time with disclosing it until more recently when I got pickier about men.  I need a deeper emotional and mental connection now before I'll even think about sleeping with someone.  So, things have gotten a lot more lonely lately.  That's all. 

Here's how I usually think of it: I didn't choose to have herpes, but assholes choose to be assholes.  I'd rather have an innocuous skin condition than a character defect.  Because one of those things I didn't ask for and I can't change, and the other is an absolute choice.  This is the lowest low I've ever experienced surrounding this issue in my life, and I'm already feeling better.  What changes is never the world around me, but instead it's always my thinking.  Sometimes my thinking is very narrow and dark.  It gets that way when I'm exhausted, overextended, not having my needs met, stressed, etc. etc. 

It is very, VERY important that we be able to talk about our depression freely and openly, no matter how deep and dark it is.  It's when we're forced into hiding that things get dangerous, because people feel ashamed and feel that they can't say what they need to.  That's when they take drastic measures in seek of relief.  So I'm so very glad that you commented on my post.  You have no idea.  I was starting to get bummed out that no one was saying anything.  I was contemplating deleting my post and my account.  I want you to go get the things that you need and want in life.  Now!!!!  ❤️

Thank you for replying. I’m so low at the moment. I don’t know where to turn. Since my first post about having only small outbreaks, I’ve developed a big one that’s very painful and I think it’s making me feel like crap in general but I may be just overly sensitive. I am moving house at the moment along with some other problems that have probably brought it on but I’m pretty self aware. I honestly don’t know why I can’t get a grip on this and make progress with it. 
again, thanks for taking the time to talk. It means a lot.