I disclosed. He accepted. But I dont feel worthy.

[Carly2020]

Hi community, 

I know it is important to practice self-love, but I've found I am going through a whole new set of emotions after disclosing. He handled it very well and was extremely kind and understanding. We've had sex using condoms and I am taking daily pills, but I can't help but feel upset and an impending end coming. I don't want to give someone something that has caused me such emotional pain. Where does the relationship go? 

I feel a whole new set of lost.

[mr_hopp]

Remember: Herpes doesn't mean the same thing to everyone that it meant to you. Because you disclosed with integrity and courage, he won't have the same relationship to herpes that you had. If anything, his view of herpes is that people of integrity and courage have it. 😉

I originally got herpes by my girlfriend cheating on me with her ex-boyfriend; I started out with a very negative perspective around what herpes meant to me. But if I were to give my wife herpes (she hasn't gotten it yet after 5 years of being together and having our baby boy! 🤞), she wouldn't have the same negative perspective that I did about what herpes means. She is fully informed about it and is taking the risk because she loves me and doesn't see herpes as being a block to that. At all. 

So your man knows the risk (and of course he doesn't want to get it), but in moving forward with the relationship, he is telling you that you are worth that risk. Trust in that. Trust that he is a grown-ass man who can make grown decisions about who he wants to have sex with and what risks he wants to take. Take the burden off your shoulders, let go of the paranoia of possibly giving him herpes and transform it into care. Be careful with him, but don't be paranoid. Paranoia distances you. Care connects. Watch your self-rejection tendencies closely. Some folks believe that finally getting someone to accept them solves everything, but self-love and acceptance is ultimately an inside job.

Check out this video I made about self-love. Maybe you'll find some solace in it?
https://www.herpesopportunity.com/post/herpes-and-self-acceptance

[Carly2020]

Thank you very much. I really appreciate your comment and I will watch the video. My self-love has come a long way since the first year, but I still have a ways to go. 

Your comment about him not having the same perspective of herpes as I do is very insightful - I hadn't thought of it that way. Also, that is interesting and promising about you and your wife. That is great. 

I know I need to trust him and know that this is his decision. We haven't talked about it again aside from while disclosing. 

I really appreciate your time and response. All that you do on here has a big impact - thank you.

[Brynby]

Hello

I am currently dating someone Who i have been with 5 years. She has told me she do have H2. We both have feelings for each other, she has told me the decision for us to move onto a relationship is mine.  I dont want to get it and She is terrified that i will get it, i care so much about her. i dont want to lose our relationship over this, any advice on what to do or say?

 

Thank you for reply

[DoesntDefineMe]

11 minutes ago, Brynby said:

Hello

I am currently dating someone Who i have been with 5 years. She has told me she do have H2. We both have feelings for each other, she has told me the decision for us to move onto a relationship is mine.  I dont want to get it and She is terrified that i will get it, i care so much about her. i dont want to lose our relationship over this, any advice on what to do or say?

 

Thank you for reply

I’d like to start off by saying kudos to her for being brave and having the courage to disclose to you. I can tell you from experience that it is a very hard thing to do especially when you are developing feelings for someone. Let me lay out some numbers for you to explain the transmission rates. Without taking antivirals or using a condom, there is a 4% chance of transmission. With antiviral medication that percentage drops to 2%. With antivirals and a condom, 1%. Birth control is the same deal, there’s a 1% chance you can get pregnant on birth control. Nothing is ever 100% effective. I honestly think that if you care for this girl, which it seems like you do since you are doing your research, then don’t let this come between you. It doesn’t define her. And with her knowing she has this and disclosing, she is doing more than some people would to protect you. Sex with anyone is a risk, I say go for it for someone you see a potential future with. Best of luck to you both! ❤️

[Brynby]

26 minutes ago, DoesntDefineMe said:

I’d like to start off by saying kudos to her for being brave and having the courage to disclose to you. I can tell you from experience that it is a very hard thing to do especially when you are developing feelings for someone. Let me lay out some numbers for you to explain the transmission rates. Without taking antivirals or using a condom, there is a 4% chance of transmission. With antiviral medication that percentage drops to 2%. With antivirals and a condom, 1%. Birth control is the same deal, there’s a 1% chance you can get pregnant on birth control. Nothing is ever 100% effective. I honestly think that if you care for this girl, which it seems like you do since you are doing your research, then don’t let this come between you. It doesn’t define her. And with her knowing she has this and disclosing, she is doing more than some people would to protect you. Sex with anyone is a risk, I say go for it for someone you see a potential future with. Best of luck to you both! ❤️

Thank you, She told me she had it and she want to protect me. She doesn't want me to get something i may regret. Because we already know each other it makes accepting this a little easier. i have not yet told her i do accept this. She wants me to take time to 100% decide be sure. 

 

Due to this pandemic, i am unable to see her. When time passes and once we can see each other again, i will tell her i trust her enough and i do accept it and the situation she is going through. Anything and everything we can do to reduce the spread will help. If i do end up getting it, it will be something to accept with a relationship with her.

 

Thanks again for the reply

[Brynby]

19 hours ago, Brynby said:

Hello

I am currently dating someone Who i have been with 5 years. She has told me she do have H2. We both have feelings for each other, she has told me the decision for us to move onto a relationship is mine.  I dont want to get it and She is terrified that i will get it, i care so much about her. i dont want to lose our relationship over this, any advice on what to do or say?

 

Thank you for reply

This suppose to say 5 years ago, we only started talking again a month ago

[happyman_adventurous]

He accepted because you are precisely worth it!!!

You have the right to be happy, don't deny it.

Herpes is reduced to (barely) nothing if there's love.

Regards,