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Not just hsv now...feeling completely broken


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Went for a check up yesterday to the gyno due to an unrelated concern. 
 

turns out I had a small genital wart in my vulva.

 

ive had hsv2 for 8 years now, fully control it with acyclovir. Partners have been super understanding. I’ve been largely single for the last 6 years so I’ve had a couple casual/short term relationship partners a year. I met my current boyfriend in early February. 
 

we started having sex in March (post disclosure). We’ve only had protected sex. I’ve only had protected sex except for maybe once the last 2 years. 
 

last summer my check up was completely regular. 
 

I don’t know much about HPV, but the timing of this is screwing with my head.  I’m so frustrated because I got the vaccine 5 years ago and yet here I am. There’s no way I can blame (nor do I want to blame) this on my partner. As a matter of fact, even though we’ve been sleeping together for 4 months, there’s a chance the person I slept with late last year gave it to me and i didn’t express symptoms and obviously never saw/noticed a wart till now with this check up. The average time to get a symptom is within a couple months but I slept with someone in December, haven’t gotten a check up since last summer. 
 

I feel completely taken aback. 
 

not only do I have to deal with HSV now, but this is probably gonna ruin my relationship. 
 

I have no idea if my current partner or the guy before gave this to me.... there’s no way to get him tested since it’s non cancerous (won’t cause abnormal cells outside of skin cells). 
 

I may have already given it to him, he may not have it, but if I continue sleeping with him he might and probably will get it (a lot more contagious than HSV). The only way this could be okay is if he was the one that gave it to me. Otherwise I feel like a fucking disgusting promiscuous villain with all these STDs that this guy might get all because of me. 
 

We had a conversation about it. He obviously doesn’t think it’s him (says his last std test was clean, he didn’t sleep with anyone since his ex from last September). I explained how the timing was unfortunate and that just as much as it could be him it could have been the person before him because I’m not sure when this appeared. He seems okay, but obviously concerned about our sex life even more now. I’m about to break down. It’s not like HSV (the large majority of people pass a strain within 2 years) and guys are least likely to get symptoms at all, but it’s yet another thing I have. Another thing that takes away my value and shatters my self esteem. I’ve worked so hard to feel fine about my hsv diagnosis 8 years ago and it’s all tumbling down. I got the wart removed but now I feel terrified of sex in general.... I could have this for up to two years. Hoping I at least don’t express symptoms again. 

I need support right now. I feel disgusting and feelings of dirtiness that I haven’t felt in 8 years are all coming back.

I feel like God has somehow chosen to punish me. I have not idea why or how after being so careful for years this is happening to me.
 

I almost wish it was the cancerous HPV because at least it wouldn’t have symptoms and it wouldn’t affect a male partner. 
 

im terrified he’s going to change his mind and leave me since I’m such a liability in intimacy. 
 

I hate myself so much right now it physically hurts.... 

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Yikes! You're head is in a bad spot. 

First things first, don't wish you had cancerous hpv. This could literally kill you, and your male partners may not visibly catch it, but they WILL pass it on to future partners, which in turn could kill them. There are enough things killing our mothers, daughters, sisters etc without people wishing cancerous hpv on them! 

Secondly, you're not a dirty sex pest and you're most certainly not the first person to have caught both irritatingly common stds. In fact if you look deep into this forum you will find lots of lovely people with both out there living their best lives with great partners and a gaggle of beautiful kids. 

I know it's difficult, but you can't change it, and you're you no matter what happens to you. If someone leaves you because of this, then realise it's not actually about you, it's about their own fear. Don't settle for anyone that judges you for this.

You are special and unique and your worth has not changed. Don't let anyone question your worth, including yourself. 

Much love and peace to you. This is a challenging time for you, but you will get through it. 

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It's VERY possible that you got HPV from the vaccine itself and no one else gave it to you. There have been girls who have been diagnosed with HPV but were virgins and had never had any type of sexual interactions before...young girls who were clearly not sexually active. But they had the vaccine.

Please don't beat yourself up. I don't have the exact percentage, but if I recall correctly, something like over 95% of HPV cases resolve themselves eventually.

 

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4 minutes ago, 100918 said:

It's VERY possible that you got HPV from the vaccine itself and no one else gave it to you. There have been girls who have been diagnosed with HPV but were virgins and had never had any type of sexual interactions before...young girls who were clearly not sexually active. But they had the vaccine.

Please don't beat yourself up. I don't have the exact percentage, but if I recall correctly, something like over 95% of HPV cases resolve themselves eventually.

 

That's nonsense. The vaccine will not give you hpv. But it doesn't cover all strains so you may have caught a strain that hasn't been immunised against. 

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