one year herpes anniversary!

[domh21]

It's been a while since I've posted or been to the H opportunity site.

 

Yesterday was my anniversary of when I found out I had H. I have been living with my wonderful gift of H or as my bff calls it, "my spidey sense" lol When I'm not feeling well or feeling prodrome, she asks if my spidey sense is tingling lol She is one of the most amazing people and one of the reasons I am happy to announce my anniversary.

 

I wanted to celebrate. I wanted to turn this supposed "negative" thing into a totally "positive" thing.

 

To those of you who are new, whether newly diagnosed or new to the site, welcome. Let me just encourage and remind you that you are alive and life is well worth living.

 

In this past year I have blossomed. I went from wanting my life to end to fully embracing life and all it's tumultuous twists and turns.

 

I am completely happy that H put an end to a relationship that needed to end. It put an end to self inflicted hurt and pain and sadness. These things still exist in life and life's obstacles still exist. However, I know now that H is just a pebble in my shoe in comparison to the things I've seen others go through.

 

The first 3-6 weeks were hell for me. I felt everything in my body. I didn't want to eat certain things. I thought I was a walking herpe ready to explode everywhere. I feared everything. Then it got a little better. Than I digressed and so on and so on.

 

I have disclosed to 20 or so people. People I know I can trust, both male and female. They include family, friends, coworkers, other colleagues, etc. I know that sounds like a lot. Each time I breathed a sigh of relief when they didn't bat an eye or judge. No one has rejected me or made me feel like crap.

 

It is always my own perceptions of this virus and further more my own perceptions and insecurities that are bigger than the love people have for me. I have not yet disclosed to an intimate partner or romantic interest. I have gone a whole year not having sex, a huge thing for me. That is partly because of fear, partly because I choose to be with myself.

 

I didn't think I could over come these things. H has forced me to look deeply into the mirror and stop. I have stopped to love myself, accept myself. I had to stop the noises, the world, the outside influences and be in the still. It's been a struggle. I have been in therapy. I have needed it so much. Not so much because of H but more because I have been living broken for so long.

 

I fell in love, head over heels when I was 19 and I never looked back. When he let me go, I refused to let us go. I never let him go and in the lulls between our arguments and divisions I dated and met other men. I tried to start other relationships. When I pushed those away or they didn't work out I always ran back to him and him to me. Then I found out I had H, I believe from him but then again as we know that might not be.

 

That was it. It ended. We argued. And I just had to close the door. A year later here I am. I can say that I am over that person. They are not who I fell in love with. I felt so abandoned by him. I still bump into him in the street and we are like strangers. He has a new woman in his life. I wonder if he is just as dishonest but quickly need to remind myself it is not my business anymore.

 

I have stopped crying from pain, from the hole in my heart. If I cry it is from the pure happiness and love I have. I have a new outlook on life. I have overcome something that was supposed to destroy me. I overcame something I believed made me so unlovable. The only truth is we are as loved as WE want to be. While I still wonder if Mr. Right is out there, it is not what defines me. This has helped me to love myself and in turn be compassionate and loving toward others. I cannot judge anyone because everyone is carrying some burden, perhaps even worse than ours.

 

I am like a brand new baby, born into a new world, curious about every little smell, taste, touch, experience. Am I scared? yes!! Does H suck sometimes?? Hell yes. Though I might not have it as bad as some, it still sucks, but it sucks just as much as acne, or my dry skin or the flu or anything else in life that sucks. How I deal with it, how I see it is what makes or breaks me.

 

I have seen people suffer far much worse in losing loved ones, losing limbs, etc. They seem to keep going, they are strong, they find the will to go above and beyond. So why can't we?? We are no different. I am forever indebted to Adrial for creating this place, this safe haven for us to learn our value and how to live and love again.

 

There is so much life worth living. Though one person left and rejected me, there have been many who have embraced me and in turn shared their secrets with me. It has been a beautiful journey. The journey is only beginning. As I look forward to the fall, to seasons changing, to turning 30, to weddings, to babies, to everything, I can't help but smile from ear to ear. My smile is so huge.

 

If you are having a bad day please know that I am sending you my love and embrace. The dark will pass. You will get through this time and the next and the next. Before you know it you will wonder where the year went. Please love you, please take care of you and please share you with everyone. You are special and whoever doesn't want a piece of that pie well they aren't supposed to be in your life. Relish the moments you have in this life.

 

Thank you for allowing me to share this long story with you and be part of such an amazing opportunity.

 

Lots of love and life to you all!!

 

 

[mr_hopp]

I remember when you first came to these forums. The sadness. The despair. My heart went out to you. Which is why hearing all of this is especially inspiring and touching. To see where you've come from an where you are now. Beautiful. And I imagine having come from such a dark place has you appreciating the happiness that much more deeply and exquisitely ... Like a wine connoisseur can taste all of the subtleties of a fine wine. Thank you for living with your heart on blast. That's what this world needs and what you deserve. Doesn't it feel so good? Thank you for sharing all of this with us. And happy anniversary! ;)

[domh21]

Adrial you always have the best metaphors. I can close my eyes and envision that wine haha Thank you!! Love you!!

[Iamme34]

Happy anniversary... U had me in tears... It's been such a dark place... Knowing u found this site and it helped to see the light in this world..

Thank u.. I cried when u said please love you... I needed this and this site more than anything:0) thank you n happy anniversary!!!! Cheers xoxoxoxo