Suicidal due to herpes

[ellemmell (previously effe]

I’ve had it for 13 years and joined the forum 7 years ago. Signed in again out of desperation. Still causes suicidal thoughts. I was suicidal before the diagnosis. But now due to a current outbreak it’s coming up again. It’s 4:45am and I would rather die than have herpes. I regret telling a friend about it recently because she might tell someone else and ruin my reputation. I was trying to get over the stigma but it doesn’t work. I will get judged and shamed for it, increasing suicidal ideation. Apparently the diagnosis frequently causes depression and suicidal thoughts. I was already suicidal before the diagnosis. Now it’s just ridiculous. Now before you suggest I get help for being suicidal — I’ve already been hospitalized 4 times on suicide watch since 2007 and they drugged me up, made me worse, and caused more trauma and PTSD. I am now disabled from medical psychiatric malpractice and long term incurable damage from psychiatric drugs. I can’t seek help anymore because it only made me worse. My elderly mother has to watch me so I don’t kill myself because psychiatric treatment available for free is inhumane, unsafe, and insane. The fact that I’m having another outbreak is just another reason to end it among many other things. The nail in the coffin. The last straw. I feel disgusting, shameful and worthless with an outbreak and the diagnosis and it never gets better. I’m cursed for life with this now in addition to the hell I’ve had to endure for my entire life unrelated to this. I really hope you guys find life worth it but I have to say I will never understand. 

[Justyoureverydayguy]

Hi, 

I'm also diagnosed with HSV(1) genitally. I can understand where you are coming from at least from the HSV side. I was in a dark place for a while about this too but I've found someone who sees past it and loves me for me. And even before my relationship I was intimate with a lot of others (who I told beforehand) and it is what it is. Many people I went to high school with know and people around them and friends of friends but at a certain point their opinions become worthless anyways. If your friend is a real friend they will keep it to themselves, if they don't then you know what kind of person they really are... and you should let them know that.

I know people who have been diagnosed with HIV who told me they would gladly trade HSV for HIV... there are dating sites for people like us but do not limit yourself. In the end all this is, is a cold sore and it's just on a different area than usual.

DONT TAKE YOUR LIFE JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE HSV POSITIVE! I've hung onto hope that one day there will be a cure or vaccine so at least people who dont have it can get it and then they won't care who has it!!

[VA2121]

I get it.  I've been there.  I am there now, just not as far down as it seems you are or as far down as I've been before.  I don't know if you ever get out of it.  But when I was lowest, I knew that if I committed suicide that the pain would end.  I don't discount that, it would.  But everything ends.  There is no more life after that.  I decided to either do it, or just move on with life.  I didn't enjoy life after that, but each morning I thought, well, I could be dead.  So, I suppose this is better.  I also thought in the back of my mind, I could kill myself at anytime, so moved forward, worked on self goals, finishing school, getting a job, things like that.  I'm in a tough spot now, because I've always thought I could just end it any time, so why not try life.  But now I have kids, I've really boxed myself in.  There's a lot of me that would appreciate death.  All of me wishes I had that death option at any time like I had before.  I feel trapped.  I have to smile and move on for my kids.  I'm not saying it gets better, candidly it does at times, but not always.  But, we're all gonna be dead soon enough, life at most is 100 years.  So I figure I'd try it, I hope you decide the same.  

[TheCat]

I absolutely relate to what you're experiencing.  I have been suicidal for many years.  Having an episode now.  I also have been hospitalized several times: three for actual attempts, and several more times for simple suicide watch.  I've been positive for about as long as you have.  It really hasn't gotten easier, only harder.  I would love to give you the magic formula for making things better, but I don't know that one exists.  It seems like you and I are in the same boat, which I know doesn't necessarily makes anything better.  I guess I just wanted you to know that one more person (on top of those who have already responded) feels the way you do.