Need some advice on having safe sexual relations before disclosure

[Iris4]

Hi everyone, I just wanted to hear some people's opinions on this topic or see if anyone has any experience with this they could share. I have genital HSV1, it's been asymptomatic since my initial outbreak ten months ago and I've only told and been with one guy since. I've been going on dates with this new guy for about three months now on and off, and I really like him but am fearing so much more to disclose to him than I was to the last guy. My first disclosure was really great, the guy was totally accepting and made me feel really comfortable; I thought I would feel more confident in future disclosures because of it but I kind of feel like I'm back at square one, really fearing rejection because I honestly don't know how well I would handle it.

 

Anyways, the other night me and that guy were together and after many drinks we ended up at my place and I gave him oral sex, but that was it. I don't have oral HSV so I know I wouldn't pass anything to him, but I felt weird when I woke up this morning, almost like I was wrong by doing that before telling him I have herpes, although I didn't put him at risk of contracting anything. What are your thoughts on that? I am wondering if he would be mad at me for doing that before telling him about it, can anyone relate?

[penelope81105]

Hi Iris4! I can definitely relate to your situation. I too have experienced the "too many drinks, hard to resist temptation" kinda nights. And I can tell you right now, he will feel a little offended you didn't tell him. I mean it's only natural to feel that way at first. But i'm sure if you explain to him and reassure him that he will not contract anything he will be fine. Everyone takes it differently. Speaking from personal experience being honest is the best way to go. Rejection doesn't nearly feel as bad as guilt. (To me at least) I mean I don't think the best idea is to tell every single person you date but you'll know when it's appropriate to mention it. In my experience, after I told him I had herpes he was freaked out for sure and felt a little betrayed that I didn't say anything. But once he got tested (came back negative) and we talked everything through he told me he wasn't mad anymore and trusted me. Unfortunately he still chose to end it (other conflicts involved) but like i said feels so much better to be honest. Every disclosure I dread but at least i'm doing the right thing.

[Carlos]

Hello, Iris... I can totally relate as well... those experiences do occur, when temptation rears its head and next thing you know... boom! But Penelope is absolutely right: I would take rejection any day instead of guilt. It's a matter of character. Look at it this way: your disclosing is opening the door to a very necessary discussion, it's not opening a can of worms, it's the great litmus test. If we contracted HSV so easily--and we ain't sluts--what else is there to catch? (think about it) Protection is two-fold. I've been HSV+ for 10 years; diagnosed when I was 30 and I'm a gay dude in NYC... imagine that! But rejection management comes with life, be it fueled by an STI or not. (I'm an actor too!) Rejection is not bad, yes it sucks because you feel like you're stuck in it, but it vanishes... like our blistered skin... it heals! Chin up, mama, there are worse mistakes you can make. Now be your best fabulous self, tell the guy about your HSV stat, don't suck him off unless he invites, and rest assured that you've done the right thing, and that you're a woman: loving and lovable. Good luck!

[Iris4]

Hey Penelope and Carlos, thanks so much for your insightful comments and for taking the time out to write to me. I really appreciate it and feel better after reading what you had to say. You both make great points; Carlos I really love how you said disclosing isn't opening a can of worms, and that protection is two-fold. I never really thought of it like that before. I don't know why the past couple of days I've felt really depressed about having HSV, whereas the past 8 or 9 months I've felt positive and okay with it. I thought I got to a point where I was almost 100% okay with it, but this guy brought up some stuff I still haven't dealt with I guess. Anyways, reading your responses really made me feel better about it all, and let me see, yet again, that I'm not alone in this. You guys are awesome, and I'm glad to be connecting with great people like you :)