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I can't tell if this guy is worth disclosing to? (aka terrified of rejection)


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Hi all, 

New to the dating world after a long term relationship with my giver ended on very...unpredictable terms. Never really thought I'd have to navigate the whole disclosure thing, but here I am trying to figure it out.

There's a new guy now, we talk pretty often and I've known him for a while. We facetime for 6+ hours, and have a great time when we have hung out in the past (at this point we were just friends). So now I'm interested in him- but the kicker is that he lives a few hours away from me. He has invited me to come visit him and I'm feeling stuck...

Do I need to disclose before even going to visit him? Is it weird to accept an invitation and not have sex/get intimate for a whole weekend? I wish he lived closer so we could go on a normal date first but thats just not really how its going to work now. 

I can't tell what the best move is here....do I go visit because I want to and just take it slow? Or is that something I shouldn't even do if I don't plan on getting too intimate...

 

Ugh. help. I havent been in the dating world forever. 

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  • 2 weeks later...

I'm not in the dating world, but was.  I would disclose before going to spend the weekend with someone.  I can't imagine a worst weekend then disclosing to someone that then rejects you for that and being stuck there.  I mean, that's about as awkward as it gets.  

I chose a while ago to not date anyone that wasn't already infected.  You say the person is a friend.  Ok, what happens if he says he's ok with it.  And then you infect him.  I mean, he's infected for life.  Do you both just love on after that if it doesn't become a life long relationship?  I personally would feel beyond horrible if I infected a "friend."  I guess to each their own.  I've been told I'm negative recently, so I apologize if this seems negative.  I'm just trying to be honest and candid.

Also, flip it around, let's say you do not have herpes, but he did.  And he told you before a weekend like this.  How would you handle it?  Knowing where you are and what you are asking and feeling now, would you really risk a life long infection?

Good luck whatever you choose.  You are here asking the question, so you are better than 90% of the people that don't even think twice about this stuff.  Be proud of that.  Go one step further, and definitely let him know before you go spend a weekend with him.

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  • 4 weeks later...

VA2121,

For what it's worth, I did fall in love and intended on marrying the guy who gave me H.  I knew what I was getting into as he told me right off the bat he had a wild sexual past long ago.  He'd been tested many times for STDs but little did he (or I) know, Herpes isn't included in those tests. I remember thinking .... it's a miracle he didn't get herpes 🤔.    We agreed that no matter what garbage life threw at us, we'd handle it all together.  If I knew he had herpes I still would have stayed with him. That's love.

Alas, the relationship didn't last.

My hope is that one day we will all find that kind of love, that someone would think us worthy of the risk.

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