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What if my worst fear is coming true?


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I’m really big on manifesting, so I probably look silly rn typing this out but I’m terrified. Blood test didn’t tell me which type & I asked if he wanted me to be specifically test to find out but he said no since we were already having sex and how everyone basically has it. (We drunkenly had sex before we got together officially. I got tested before we became a couple) He does have hsv1. This week I’ve been having a yeast infection & me and my parter had sex. I take my anti viral everyday, as well. Well my bf has been feeling fatigue for a few days, & we’re not sure if it’s the flu or covid. Hopefully neither. he does work long hours and has depression. But he feels better today. He’s Told me he’s had this itch for a few days, but that’s all it is. Just an itch. Been about three days. And the absolute worth thought came to my head. What if I infected him. He is uncut so he’s more susceptible to infection. I am absolutely terrified I’m gonna ruin his lif & dreams of going into the military. This is the exact reason I didn’t want a relationship. I feel like shit. I’m praying it’s just a yeast infection but if not, I’m gonna be so upset at myself. He’s already depressed & I’m potentially adding on more. I honestly just wanna run away. 

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There's so much here, Alexus. First, allow me to point out that you coming here and posting this is the opposite of running away. You are here. You are looking at your fears and facing them head on. That makes your fears less powerful because of your introspection. That is brave. That is empowering.

And do your best to not let your fears run rampant. Notice them. And keep them in perspective. And don't take all the responsibility on your shoulders here! I feel it all the way over here. Burdensome. And it's not all yours to take on. Based on what you've said, you did everything you could on your side of responsibility. Don't take 100% of the responsibility and guilt and shame if your boyfriend did in fact get herpes (which isn't a given). You two are in relationship. You both are taking responsibility 50/50. And you support each other in this. You communicated about the risks. And he's also a grown-up who makes his own decisions. I see this so much that it's the person who has herpes (especially if they are a caring, heartfelt person) that their care can slip into self-sabotage. They take full responsibility to the detriment of themselves, which devolves into guilt and shame. And you can turn this around and find your Opportunity in this. 

And about manifesting, you can reorient yourself to this situation. Instead of worrying about him getting herpes, focus on being present in your relationship as this situation unfolds. Be present with yourself. Be present with him. Be there for whatever is needed. Then you are manifesting presence and being with life. You aren't running away from it. The dark side of believing in manifesting is you might have a tendency to turn away from the hard stuff sometimes, thinking that if you pay attention to it that it becomes bigger. But running away or ignoring just makes it worse. 

And look at you. You aren't running away. You're right here. And you got this. 

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Like was posted above, there's so much here.  And it's hard to see the forest for the trees.  This won't effect his military opportunity, relax on that.  I'm a former military officer and have had this since I was 16 years old.  You also indicated he already had HSV1.  If he now has HSV2 also, his health will not get worse.  He will be ok.  The hardest part about this is disclosing and limiting yourself to those already infected (if you choose that path).  He was already in both those situations.  The depression sounds like it was already there.  That's something that can effect a person's military opportunities.  You can be depressed in the military, of course, but if it effects your motivation or decision making abilities, that can be a problem.   Sounds like you're there for him.  Keep loving your life and support him, but if it's a negative relationship, regardless of disease, it might be wise to step away.  Easy to say, but that's always an option.  Feel free to contact me direct.  You're a good, caring person.  Know that, hold on to that.

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