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Opinions on reaction to testing


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Someone recently told me she has genital HSV2 immediately after our first time having sex (with a condom). We had flown across the country to meet out of state. We had previously only spent one day together in her home state. We had video talked and phone talked and texted hours a day for 3 months. I had sex with her about ten more times over the next three days after she disclosed her diagnosis. I had my first outbreak about a week later and took Acyclovir when I got prodrome symptoms. The blisters came the next day and lasted only two days and were gone when I went to see a Doctor for testing so I had the IgG blood test which was strongly positive (5-8 days after exposure which is early for Antibody positivity ) but since I had the outbreak after exposure and had previously been in a 29 year monogamous relationship there is a good chance but not certainty that I got it from the person I’m dating now. Although she should have disclosed prior to sex, I should have asked about STI status and not repeatedly  told her how much I was looking forward to making love with her without having a discussion about testing (she did tell me I needed to buy amd use condoms and I did) . I see that the repeated telling her how much si wanted to make love to her  was pressure that made it harder for her to disclose. I am learning from these mistakes. After I went to the Doctor I showed her my  comprehensive STI test results and she showed me hers from January but they did not include HSV 1, HSV 2, HIV,  syphilis or hepatitis. I asked that she also get those, or at least the HIV and HSV 1 and 2 typing. She said she has HSV 2 and not HSV 1 and she was tested snd vaccinated for hepatitis snd she will get HIV test snd nothing else. She was EXTREMELY offended that I asked her for these tests snd saw it as me thinking bad things about her. I am being as compassionate as I can but my request seems reasonable to me. To her however it is causing a lot of emotional  stress to the point that she can’t tolerate it.  She is dealing with her shame by refusing tests she doesn’t think are reasonable. I don’t want her to be in emotional turmoil but I feel like it would be irresponsible for me to move forward without full testing. Our disagreement and inability to simply be open and get fully tested  and share results  seems the opposite of intimacy amd sharing and also seems unsafe to me.  I’ve tried to be compassionate and non-judgmental. My life is changed forever with my HSV 2 diagnosis, irrespective of how I got it, and taking more risks, when anybody who has had sex with somebody even in a long term committed relationship could have these  other infections as well   and not know it, seems emotionally and physically unhealthy to me. On the other hand the missing tests are only HSV 2 (which she says she has ) and HSV 1 which she says she doesn’t have), syphhlis and hepatitis (which she says she’s vaccinated for). I’m trying to be emotionally supportive and loving and sexually healthy and reasonable at the same time. Could anybody share their thoughts on this situation? I would really like to hear what others think about this. Thank you.

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  • 3 weeks later...

You are definitely being reasonable, you have a right to know her results and you seem to be fairly sensitive about the topic. She clearly just doesn’t want to talk about the topic in general, but maybe if you reassure her that you care about her no matter her status you just want the rest of the results to know for sure.

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  • 3 months later...

@Chiron I'm not sure, but can you get vaccinated for the other STDs? I haven't heard of a vaccination against these. Her dx with HSV-2 could cause her to not want to know if she has the other STDs you would like her to test for or she could be too afraid. Have you asked her if she's afraid you'll leave? I think it's a reasonable request because it could help you both with moving forward in the relationship. 

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Hi!! @Chiron

I hope you are well and things have been happier and healthier in your life since you last posted. 

After doing research, I found some information you may find really helpful. 

There are only vaccines for the following STIs: Hepatitis A, Hepatitis B, and HPV. There are no vaccines for the bacterial STIs, since they are bacterial (not viral). 

I really do not think that this relationship you described is balanced; it seems you are more open and willing than she is, especially considering she told you about her HSV AFTER you had sex. That is not okay. Perhaps she was afraid you would leave, but she didn't even give you the choice to decide for yourself, and that action speaks louder than words. When people show you who they are, listen. 

I am sorry if things didn't work out, and I am sorry that she is emotionally struggling. If you are still together, I recommend that she goes to an OBGYN for appropriate testing for her own safety and health, as undiagnosed and untreated infections and viruses can cause lasting damage to the reproductive organs and surrounding tissues. If she needs reassurance, provide it. However, you are in charge of taking responsibility for YOUR own health-- and part of being in a relationship means caring about the health of the other partner, too (she should care about your health and wellness, and you should care about hers, which it ses like our really do ❤️).

I am sending blessings and prayers your way! 🌄☀️

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Tea tree oil essential oil helps also dilute with water and use on skin where u breakout. The virus doesn't like this and also olive oil and peppermint oil help. You can also do lots more such as make green smoothies with all the healthy foods Kale and spinach and banana and apple and pear and blueberries and raspberries and garlic and cayenne pepper and celery. Blend altogether to make a smoothie. Peel apple and cut before adding. You can also add chia seeds or anything else you like. Make this very healthy smoothie daily for breakfast. That's it. Start your day off with lots of lysine in your smoothie. The lysine will keep the virus dormant. 

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