Need to vent to people who understand

[beihaigirl2004]

I am a 49 fairly recently divorced female. I was married for almost 25 years. About 8 months after my divorce I got back in touch with an old friend. We have known each other since first grade and had periodically kept in touch. He recently moved back to the area. He too was recently divorced from a 25 year marriage. We had sex several times with no issues. Then just over a month ago I thought I had a yeast infection. I had leg pain and some headaches and felt tired but I work-out get migraines, etc so didn't even cross my mind anything was off. I went to the OB/GYN to get my IUD replaced and she noticed some lesions on my labia and anal region. Yep she "suggested" I could have HSV2. Are you kidding me? I'm not promiscuous. I don't sleep around. She then informed me that people could have it and never have a symptom. Praying that it was clamydia or gonarrhea. That same day I also found out that my friend decided to get serious with someone else. Second worst day of my life. Two days later I get the results - my swabs were positive for HSV2 and blood test was negative. My doctor told me this is indicative of a new infection and I was probably having onset symptoms. My initial reaction was pissed off. How could this happen? He would of told me if he had herpes.  Then came severe panic, depression, anger, all gammits of emotion. When I texted him to tell him I tested positive and he should be tested his response was herpes? I don't have herpes. I've never had any lesions. Well I'm thinking you do and are asymptomatic. He got tested and does have antibodies. He feels awful. I don't blame him. He really didn't know. We think his ex gave it to him and didn't tell him. She had multiple affairs. He blatantly said if she knew she would never tell me just to spite me. Then I got really pissed. How can someone I never met risk my health to spite someone? And she is a healthcare provider. Bitch. Anyway here I am almost a month to the day and I am just starting to get over the breakout. I had 5 in the 4 weeks. I think stress for me is triggering them. He checks in but doesn't understand that I keep getting them and that I am so raw and itchy that it hurts to wear pants! I also had extreme fatigue. There were some days about 2 weeks in that I had to text my boss and tell him I wasn't feeling well and had to go lie down. I couldn't sleep at night because the itching was so intense it would wake me up. I had leg and foot pain. The absolute worst was being unable to go to the bathroom without taking a laxative. It was like I couldn't get it out. The horrible abdominal cramping because I had to go so bad. I still have problems but it is getting better. I almost have some numbness which I think causes my body to not connect the dots that I need to go. Now I just get a constant itching on my ass cheeks. No sores or outbreaks just that nagging itching. Its awful. I have days where I am not embarrassed or upset about my herpes status but then there are days I am just so mad. I want my life back. I want to have sex without having to tell someone. Its humiliating. Not to mention the fear of no one wanting me. Then I get mad at him because he infected me and here he is living his life with NO symptoms and I get this constant discomfort and itchy ass cheeks. He tells me I can talk to him (yes we are still friends even though our situations are different. I have no one and he has a girlfriend. Why am I still friends?) Anyway when I try he just doesn't get it because he has never experienced it. Some nights I get so depressed about my future prospects that I pray hard that I will have a brain bleed or a stroke when I am sleeping. I would never have the guts to kill myself so guess I just go on. I worry sex will not be as enjoyable. I still have numbness in that region. Plus I love being clean shaven and my doctor suggested I don't wax or shave down there until we see how I react for the next 6-12 months. Ugh! I bought an electric trimmer to at least get it close without causing too much trauma but it is not the same. I have a list of therapist in my area that deal with this type of emotional distress but of course everyone wants to jump off a cliff right now so I can't get in anywhere. SO I am glad I found this. At least people can understand and don't just say it will all be ok because they love you. Um no it will never be ok. I can pretend it will but it will NEVER be ok. Thanks for letting me vent. 

[Whyymeee]

Everything your feeling I felt the EXACT same way. I hate having this. I just want my life back. I’ve never been married and only have 1 kid.. I still have a family to build. It’s been about 4 months since I’ve been diagnosed. I don’t know how long it’s been for you but you will come to terms with it after a while. Try to focus on the positives I guess, if that will help. It’s not life threatening and it’s plenty of ppl out there who has it and they have no clue. At least you know and can act accordingly. For me nobody knows but me and my boyfriend (I got it from him) I still don’t have it in me to tell anyone. This group really helps because there’s no one to talk to about it (for me). If you need to vent or just talk feel free to message me, I feel like we will vibe (your this first person I seen cuss on here, and I cuss like a sailor) lol. Even if you don’t message me, I hope as time goes on things a get better for you

[NJRunnerMom]

I wish I could just reach through the computer and give you a hug.  You said pretty much EVERYTHING that I have felt and somewhat experienced too.  I'm 40, divorced, and have a 9 year old son.  I had turned 40 less than 2 weeks from when I found out I had this.  Here I was thinking that 40 was going to be the year that I find love, the year that I get the last 20lbs off, etc, and now...I just want to give up on everything.  Dating is a joke to begin with and add in this layer, forget it.  And trying to lose weight is sometimes more of a mental game than physical and mentally I haven't been in a good place for months, so that's a no go at the moment.  I'm still trying to workout and run to keep my immune system okay but still, some days I'm just going through the motions.  We all get it and I'm sure many of us can relate to how you feel.  All I will say is to try to hang in there and find the other positive things in your life to help get you through this until you learn to accept it...I'm still trying to accept it myself.

[beihaigirl2004]

@NJRunnerMom @Whyymeee It is so nice to have people understand where you are coming from. I have great friends and family that I know support me and try to make me feel better but they don't know what it is actually like. While the physical symptoms are starting to heal - for now - the emotional aspects are worse. For me I can go from being ok to being this fucking sucks ass in a matter of moments. Certain things really trigger it. I just wish I could go back to that day (I even know the day I was infected) and just not go. I get mad because what are the odds I have fantastic sex with him on one of the few days of the year he is shedding the virus? Are you kidding me? It just really sucks. Then he is the love of my life. We have known each other forever but our stars just keep getting out of align. Now he is dating someone else. Only adds insult to injury. I always say if it weren't for bad luck I'd have no luck. I want to date. I want to find someone who I can be with. I don't want to resort to dating sites that focus on people with HSV but I am TERRIFIED to tell someone I have it. Just really feels like I have been robbed of me. But I will keep trucking along because I have to for my girls. Head up girls we will get though this. I will never accept it but I can try to learn to deal with it. 

[Justanothergirl]

Hi ladies, I think this might be my first post! I'm having a bad night worrying myself sick that I may have passed herpes on to someone and remembered this forum exists. I am an absolute mess tonight BUT that's not what I wanted to say in response to your posts. 

I'm a similar age to you and have been positive for 11 years. What I want to say to you is that it does get better, I promise!! I haven't had an outbreak in years (what's happening tonight may not be an outbreak because I have other health issues that confuse things and it's just my anxiety torturing me) and I take valtrex for peace of mind. And in the last 11 years I've had wonderful relationships and fantastic sex. Yes herpes fucking sucks and I'd give anything to take it away but it hasn't been the death of intimacy the way I thought it would have been. The likelihood of outbreaks tends to go down overtime so although it feels like the end of the world right now, I promise you that it won't be. Hang in there xx 

[Sarah317]

I so understand!!! I am 50 and in the same situation. Sending you big hugs. Know you’re not alone.