Just diagnosed and dating someone new

[Ellemina]

I was recently diagnosed with oral and genital herpes. I live alone and while I’m dealing with the diagnosis - I can’t help but feel alone. I found out when dating someone new and disclosed as soon as I thought something was off. In the short time I’ve known him he has been wonderful, rational, and supportive. We had sex before I knew and he is getting tested this week. However, I don’t think it’s been long enough for antibodies to build up in his system (if he were positive). He says his feelings haven’t changed, he is neutral about it, and it is what it is. Things are going well for the beginning stages of dating. I’m just afraid that one day he will change his mind and decide to end things over this. It’s too early on in dating (only a month on Tuesday) and if this doesn’t work out I know love is out there. I’ve known a person or two who has herpes and they date and lead normal lives. The worst part about this is feeling alone...living alone...and going through the initial outbreak by myself. Yes, I have his support, but it’s not the same kind of support as an established relationship. It just sucks...I just want to be held and told everything will be alright. I’m 42 years old and just want to be held. Yup, I’ll admit it. The uncertainty of his result and the guilt of unknowingly putting him in danger is obviously hard to handle. I’m grateful for his friendship if that is all it turns out to be. I just thought life would be so different! Back in August my fiancé passed away from a heart condition  . After his death in found myself desperate for love and connection. I have a strong belief that I got this from a one night stand (before the person I am dating now). I think that person knew he had it just by the way he acted afterwards. I’ve gone through a lot of pain I love. I’m just hoping that the current dating situation is different. I just don’t want to be alone. 

[NJRunnerMom]

Hey there.  I definitely understand the "alone" thing.  I'm 40, divorced, and was not in a relationship when I was diagnosed (I got it from someone I had casual sex with who I had just met) and I had to go through it completely alone.  It was awful and really hard but you have to learn how to be okay alone.  I know it's not what you may want, hell I don't want to be alone either but the fact of the matter is that I am, but you need to be okay on your own.  I'm sorry to hear about your fiancée but it's also good to hear that you did find someone new.  Embrace that and don't doubt it.  If it's meant to be then it'll work out, if not, then that's okay too.  Maybe you can take this time to do a little soul searching too, figure out the "why" behind why you feel alone.   We all crave connection and not wanting to be alone but make sure it is for the right reasons. Chin up!

[Ellemina]

Dear NJRunnerMom,

Thank you so much for your kind and compassionate response! Yes, already herpes is teaching me about self-acceptance. My best friend always says that I don’t love myself nearly enough and maybe herpes came into my life to finally teach me to value myself. Perhaps that is why our bodies open is up to the herpes virus in the first place. It teaches us the hard lessons about ourselves that we couldn’t previously face. It’s hard to accept that I contracted it through unwise choices (one night stand). It’s like I knew better, but I was probably disassociating and self-sabotaging due to the pain and loneliness from my fiancé’s death. I read someone on here that life sometimes kicks you when your down and takes your lunch money. I appreciated that sentiment as that’s what this feels like - life kicking me when I’m down, taking the lunch money, and running away with it. Thank you for specifically saying embrace this new dating experience and don’t doubt it. Needless doubts can be a form of self-sabotage. I can tell already that this is a mental/spiritual process of self-acceptance as it is physical. Thank you again!!!!