Ambivalence

[Sarah317]

I’ve been lurking for a few days now and decided to join. First, let me say that I am truly inspired by this website. It’s been a Godsend.

I have not been officially diagnosed yet, but I am quite certain that I have herpes (Wow! That was hard to type!). I will probably get my lab (swab and blood) results today.

I am 4 years (3 divorced) out of a 24 year marriage. My ex husband has borderline personality disorder and the mental and emotional abuse was staggering. I began dating a few months after.

I am smart, pretty, confident (might as well start claiming my attributes; if I don’t, who will?).

I have suffered my whole life with extremely low self worth. I actually restarted therapy last week for this. 
 

Then this happened....

I returned from seeing my bf who works out of town. I was sore down there so I didn’t think too much about it. After a week it got what seemed to be worse. So, I took a look. I don’t know what made me think “herpes,” but I made an appointment with my GYN. He took a look and took swabs. He said it just looked like friction, but he would test. I asked for blood as well. I had been tested for everything two years ago as a baseline and everything was negative. 
 

Since then I have seen broken skin/sores develop, so I am fully prepared for the bad news.

I’ve already talked to bf. That was Saturday. He continues to call but I can feel the distance. I am stepping back (when my heart wants to grab on so tight) to give him the space he needs to digest this information. He says he’s here and we are a team. But, I also know him and am prepared for his limitations.

My point is, it doesn’t matter who gave what to whom; and the more I read the more evident it becomes that no answer is set in stone. I can only look forward.

I titled this post “Ambivalence” because that’s where I am right now. Sometimes, I think herpes will be the best thing for me spiritually that has ever happened to me; then, I am stricken with immense grief (mostly over the thought of losing him).

The desire to beat myself up comes, but I know that this could have happened to anyone, and I was extremely naive and wanting someone to love me when I got out of my marriage. I am human, and I will be okay. 
 

Yesterday, I had the follow up to a follow up for a suspicious mammogram (breast cancer is prevalent in my family). As I sat there getting the good news from the radiologist that everything looked great I thought, “Wow! Here you are so stressed over herpes and this doctor could have come in and said CANCER.” I thought about my bf. Would he have stuck with me through cancer? I’m not so sure he would. So, is that the kind of man I want in my life?

I know this sounds crazy, but I choose to welcome this diagnosis. I am already treating myself with so much more grace and tenderness now. 
 

Please don’t think I’m not crying my eyes out every other minute (or hour, now. It’s getting easier). I’m in the same boat as all of you, and I will help row the best that I can. While this is in no way easy, it is not the end of the world and life goes on.

[Sarah317]

Oh, and I’ve had the whole body aches thing too. 😕

[NJRunnerMom]

I can completely relate to how you feel.  In some ways this can be looked at as a blessing but in others I feel like it's a bad curse.   Unfortunately I'm not being too good to myself.  I keep punishing myself for getting this and being careless about my sex life that I allowed something like this to happen, not that I was given a heads up or anything, but if I was with a steady partner in a long term relationship then this may not have happened.  

The body aches will go away, I promise that.  

My best friend was just diagnosed with breast cancer and here I was thinking how terrible H is for me but it is nothing compared to what she is going through so I'm trying to use that as a way to cope.  Yes, having this sucks, but it could be worse.

Hang in there.  It really sucks and this is still new to me as well so I keep hearing it gets better.

[Sarah317]

Thank you so much for this! I am here if you need me.

[Sarah317]

And praying for you dear friend!! I’m so sorry!!