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I messed up, I lost him because I didn't know how to tell him I have herpes from the beginning.

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Hello, I am new. I found this web-site browing the internet after being rejected in my relationship. I was desperate in seeking help, for understanding. To know how to deal with the pain. I got herpies 3yrs ago. But I started seeing this guy a year ago. I've known him for 12 years. I didn't want date him in the beginning because of all the people in the world, he was the last person I wanted to find out I have herpies. I was embarrass, ashame. Scared that he would reject me or see me different. But insisted, he persisted, told me in if I let him go, "that he wasn't letting me go, that he is not saying bye" So I really believed him. I really thought he loved me. Maybe accept me. But I should of told him from the beginning I have herpies. I hadn't had no OB's in a 1 1/2. And two weeks ago we went out, had dinner and I had a martini. I want to think it was the alcohol that triggered me to have an OB. So now I had to tell him. I did, I confessed. I lost him. He left me.


I am here because I didn't know how to handle this. I am crushed. My spirit is wounded. I felt and feel so bad, ugly, dirt and a monster. I violated his trust, hurt him, angered him. He told me "I took his choice away, I didn't give him a choice, and that I put his health at risk. I told him it was hard to tell him. I was scared. I told him that I got an OB and I needed to confess. I told him I would go to the doctor and even help him pay his bill. He said "No" that I have done enough. I know I did wrong not telling me when we started dating. I told him this was the reason I kept pushing him away in the beginning. Because I never wanted him of all people to find out cause I felt bad about myself. I asked him if he did love me? And he could't even answer me now. He is angry. This situation ended bad. It has affected my work and school. I need to learn how to handle this to know what to do and be able to handle rejection.

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Maybe he just needs a little time to work things out. We all make mistakes. He has made mistakes. Unfortunately, some people who have not had to deal with this disease buy into the easily spread stigma. He is probably dealing with a lot right now, and so are you. Maybe some space will heal these wounds. The good thing is that he is probably researching herpes and coming to the realization that it is not that big of a deal. Hopefully, he will come around. If not, it is just an extremely hurtful difficult way to learn a lesson about disclosure. Forgive yourself.

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  • 1 month later...


As read your post and listen to your story, it parallels my story. maybe we can learn/grow from each others' story. I have it because my ex knew he had HSV1 & 2, never told me before we were intimate; withheld his status on purpose for the same reasons. In fact only admitted it after i had some mysterious symptoms out of the blue in Oct. We had been split up since May at this time. two weeks ago I learned from he had sex with me a week or before my symptoms show when i was so drunk i have no memory of much that night. ( He knew he could have been viral shedding at that time).

It is absolutely devastating for someone you trust, care about, and had loved to betray your trust with a lie. its even harder when its lie that affects a persons' health. As I read your words on what he said after you told, it was exactly what I said to him. Im angry, hurt, devastated by what he did; taking my right of choice away. At least for me, my ex having herpes wouldnt have been an issue if he would have told me, talked it, and further educate him, me, and as one at that time. (because i didnt know what a horrible person he is, (liar, cheater, abusive)

Its all about the lie/deception.

i commend for offering to cover his medical! He is covering my medical and counseling and wil be for the rest of my natural life. he is doing it because we are going to court. in my state, Louisiana, its a crime to withhold any status of a communicable disease from a potiental partner.

taking him to court is the only way i can ensure he does and continues. if i wasnt taking him, he wouldnt do it. so again, i totally commend for offering right off the back.

His reasons for not telling were the same as yours and he thought it would make me stay with him if I had it because no one else would want me then.

No one knows what your guy will do. Only time will tell. I may never get over what did and the fact that he altered my life forever. But i cant change that now. At some point, there will come a time when i will want to date and i will feel all the same feelings you did/do; fear, fear of rejection, ashemed, dirty, etc.

Again, i do commend for you for coming out to take responsibilty for his medical. Reading your story, help gives me a point of view i couldnt see / understand. It took great courage to open up and tell your story. i can feel the hurt you feel through your words. I hope he comes back and together yall can work through it!!!

Thank you so much for sharing. I hope our experiences can help us both come so form of forgiveness as HBetty said, also heal and grow.

I have a thought and/or different view on forgiveness for you that may be helpful. For me, when I think about forgiveness for him and for myself at the point I would say is an impossible task. So my counselor gave me this thought , thinking that wording/thinking about it in a different sense will aid in the forgivenesss process which is part of the healing process.

She said to me..... "Forgiveness is giving up on the hope that the past can be any different"

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YES Aimee! You see, this is the problem surrounding the stigma that Adrial and I are devoted to changing. Until we reduce the stigma (I'm not sure we will ever convince the H- population that it's just a skin condition, but we can at least get them to see that it is a MANAGEABLE condition that does not discriminate and that most of their friends have in one form or another ;) ). If we can reduce the stigma, then the H+ population won't have have as much reason to feel shamed/dirty,fear rejection/etc and they will be much more likely to disclose.


And Aimee... I'm going to take that last quote to task again and give you another way to think about it. For ME, that quote is ACCEPTANCE (which is just as important to get to and is one step in the Forgiveness process.) For *me*, Forgiveness is the acceptance of our human nature to do things that are out of integrity. Forgiveness is having empathy for another that lets us see that they acted from a place of "survival" .. which comes from fear. Fear of rejection. Fear of looking bad. Fear of pain. Fear of loss. Fear of being unlovable/unloved/alone. When Fear takes over, our most primitive part of our brain kicks in... and we do stupid things. And until we learn to override that part of ourselves (and some never will), we will continue to do stupid things. BUT, when someone forgives us (or we forgive ourselves) for our HUMAN-ness, then there is an opening for us to see that we don't HAVE to act out of fear.


Again, what your ex did was reprehensible. But everything you tell me points to a man who is soooo shamed, feels soooo dirty, soooo unlovable, that he feels compelled to control the situation in any way he can in order to find "love". All those traits you now see - the lying/cheating/abusive side?? That's ALL fear-based actions. Yeah, it's TOTALLY misguided, but that is how the human brain works. It battles between the "animalistic, survivalist" side that is reactive and controlling, and the wonderful white matter that makes us Human ... the thinking/rationalizing part that. Sadly, we can also trick that white matter into rationalizing that it's ok to do certain things if the Fear is strong enough. We've all done it to some extent or other.


So if you can eventually find it in your heart to see his actions as him being a scared, lost human being who was soooo desperate for love (and who must have really "loved" you...in his warped way...enough to want to make you stay) that he would do something he KNEW to be wrong to keep you, you *may* be able to forgive him. Forgiveness doesn't mean you are saying it's OK to act like that.... it's about letting that other human trait .... empathy ... into the room. YOU still hold him accountable for his actions, but you forgive him for that lapse in his integrity, for his humanness. And THAT gives you a power that is unlike no other.


Peace :)

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  • 1 month later...

Well, a lot has happened since I joined in October 2013. The guy whom rejected me because I told him I had herpies called me, on New years eve because he heard I was dating someone. I knew this guy for 12 years as a friend the beginning of those years and he couldn't understand me. And then I meet this new wonderful man in the beginning of December and is willing to take a chance on me knowing I have herpies.. he has done his research, and read about it. and we are taking it slow. To take a chance on me after knowing me for a month, and know I have herpies say's a lot to me about him. He's my boyfriend, his name is Jerry, I told my mother I felt like the windows of heaven finally opened for me. He met my family Christmas eve, three weeks after meeting me.

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