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First Disclosure...advice needed.


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So I've been seeing this guy for a few weeks now,  seen each other 3 times,  and have the 4th date coming up.   We have great conversations and I like him a lot but know that there's a possibility that I'm going to have to tell him about this sooner than later.   I've spent the last 2 days combing through disclosure posts in this forum and there's so much information on it and different experiences.   I would like to wait a little more but don't want him to feel that I led him on either.   Adrial says to wait until you can trust them with your vulnerability but I don't exactly know what that means and my biggest fear right now is him asking me to be exclusive without knowing this.   I want to be prepared with what to say so that if this comes up before I feel I'm ready that at least I know what to say.   As much as I'd like to hide behind a text message I feel that this should be done in person so that's my plan as of now.   We never talk on the phone so I don't think that would be a good option.  

 

This is what I've got prepared from all of the posts I've read.   How does this sound?  Should I add/remove anything,  say something differently,  use other words,  etc. 

 

"You know I really like you and really enjoy the time we're spending together and where things are going however before they go any further there's something important that I need to share with you because I care about you and I respect you.  I have HSV2, which is a virus that causes cold sores.  There's a lot of misinformation and false stigma out there but in reality its a skin condition that many people have and never experience any symptoms; it doesn't interfere with my everyday life, nor is it a big deal for me.  It also hasn't stopped me from dating or define who I am.  It's a very manageable virus and I'm on a daily antiviral to help suppress it.   I'm not sure what you know about this or how you feel or if this is a deal breaker but I'm happy to answer any questions you may have and would like to know your thoughts about this.   And if you need some time to think this over and do your own research that's okay too."

 

TIA

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Hello!! ☀️🍀

I hope you are well! This is a very anxious time, but you really nailed it with your disclosure example!!! I am really proud of you for taking this step in the relationship, and I hope everything goes well! 

However, please do not feel obligated to share, unless you predict sexual intimacy in next date's forecast (that weather analogy is so cringe-y but it fit well, lol). This is something YOU are sharing, and you deserve to feel solid and confident on the disclosure podium.

In NO way would it be leading someone on if you wait to have the talk until you are ready for sexual relations. Positive, 110%-in consent to engage in sexual intimacy is the best (and positive no-pressure consent is the sexiest!). Do not feel afraid he will walk away if you don't have sexual intimacy right away, and someone who would just up and leave because you want to abstain from it for a little bit (whether it's until you feel vulnerable to have the talk or because you just want to wait to have a sexual relationship) is a real CHUMP.  Chumps are a NO. YOU DESERVE WAY MORE THAN A CHUMP. 😤 Haha. 

buuutttt..... IF YOU FEEL COMFORTABLE WITH YOUR VULNERABILITY AND DECIDE TO TALK...

Make sure it's a good time to talk, too (not in public, make sure he isn't angry or upset about something else that happened earlier that may influence his responses/reactions) and be calm and confident. This isn't a remorseful confession, it's a simple common virus!!! No need to apologize for having it, either (you didn't ask for it!)

This is also a time to find out more about him, and disclosure is something that really brings out the deep parts of people we don't always see right off the bat.... Is he an attentive listener during an intense discussion? Is he judgmental? Does he value facts over rumors? Does he like me for more than my body, and is he worthy of all of me? 

Remember that his response is something he controls, so don't feel mad at yourself if his reactions or choice to continue dating you are not positive. If it's meant to be, it's meant to be! 🍀☀️🌼

Sending happiness and positive energy!! 🌼☀️🍀❤️🌄🌈

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Oh gosh I forgot!!! 

Recommend the CDC or WHO as resources for more info (trustworthy!😊). Also, he may have follow up questions, so just be prepared for those ❤️. If he asks medical questions, just be honest about it. Such as... Higher transmission risks with HSV2, and even though you do not get frequent outbreaks, HSV2 outbreaks tend to occur more frequently than genital HSV1. Just be honest now because you never would want to feel guilty later on if he hypothetically gets it. Always play "worst case scenario". You can even ask yourself "Did I tell him everything I needed to to ensure that I could feel happy and at peace with my disclosure if he hypothetically got HSV2, and advise him on safety and his own health?" ❤️

I hope this helps!! Sorry for the looonnnngggg answers haha !!!!

Sending Love and Light ❤️🌄☀️🍀😊🌼😺

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Thank so you much for all of that @Flowerteacher55.  I personally would like to wait it out but I don't feel right if he were to ask me to become exclusive and didn't know this first so that's why I'm trying to prepare myself,  just in case.   And if not,  which is okay,  it'll give me more time to practice it for when the time does come. 

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  • 5 weeks later...

It went better than I ever would have expected!  He said to me that this is not a deal breaker and that it changes nothing!  We met a little over a month ago, text every day and have seen each other 7 times before last night to give you a bit of a timeline.

Here's what I did.  I wrote a little script of how I wanted to say things.  I then sent it to my best friend and my sister, then I sent it to my best friends husband and then an HSV2 male friend that I met on here.  In the interim I went on YouTube and searched for "herpes disclosures" and started watching as many videos as I could to just get used to hearing the word.  I would say in my car, at home, etc...I have herpes.  I needed to hear myself saying it.  After taking all of my friends opinions, male opinions, YouTube suggestions, I finally tweaked my script and this is somewhat how it went:

There's something that I've been wanting to share with you and I feel that now is a good time because I trust you and I care about you.  I like you a lot and I like the direction this is heading.  (And then I took a few deep breaths and continued)  I have HSV2, which is the virus responsible for herpes.  It's ultimately a skin condition that's not life threatening and is more or less a nuisance if you have an outbreak, in which I've only had 1.  For me this isn't a big deal and it's only a small part of who I am.  I take a daily antiviral to help keep it suppressed and I keep my immune system strong.  I'm not sure how you feel about this or is this is a deal breaker or not but I hope this won't change anything between us.  Do you have any questions for me or want to know anything?  (And then I stopped talking)  I didn't cry and I try to be more matter of fact than anything.

Leading up to this he had picked me up and we went out for the night and he was dropping me off at home and we were in his car in my driveway, this way we both had an out if it got uncomfortable.  We were saying goodnight and that was when I felt it was time to talk.

As I was talking he had held my hand the entire time and didn't twitch or do anything to pull away as I was telling him.  He listened to what I had to say.  So once I stopped talking he said to me that it's not a deal breaker at all and he feels the same way about me.  He then said, and this made me laugh a little, you can still have sex right?!  I said of course and that's when I went into the statistics of 4% transmission with doing nothing, 2% since I'm on Valtrex, and then 1% with condoms.  He shook his head as if to say that's not a big deal at all.  I told him that I would be very upfront if I felt something was off with me but also reassured him that there are many other ways to connect as well.  He didn't judge me at all and then hugged me.   We kissed a bit more and then he asked when he could see me again and then he went home.  I texted him once I got inside my head and thanked him for listening and not judging me.  His response was...It changes nothing 🙂 And I hope Monday comes fast so I get to see you again!

So here I was hoping for the best, preparing for the worst, and feeling like I was going to be breaking up with him and it went better than I could ever have expected.  

I hope this helps and let's you know that it is possible to find someone who accepts us for who we are not what we have.  Sorry for how long it is but if  you get anything out of it then that makes me happy.

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On 6/27/2021 at 11:45 AM, Flowerteacher55 said:

@NJRunnerMom Hi!!!

Oh my gosh I loved reading that!! I'm so happy it went well, he sounds like such a kind man!! 

Hooray!! I wish you both the best and am sending blessings and happiness both of your ways!! 🦋☀️🌈❤️

 

Thank you so much!  I can't even begin to tell you how good this man is.  I am so grateful and blessed to have him in my life.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I'm so happy for you NJRunnerMom! I'm in a similar situation as you now before your disclosure. I've been dating a woman for the past 8 weeks and our relationship and feelings for each other have become strong. Since the relationship was moving toward intimacy, I thought I should just get a blood test.  The test revealed that I am HSV1 positive.  I've been asymptomatic so had no idea about it. I need to disclose the test result to her. I am nervous, but at least by hearing your experience, I am assured that some people are out there who are like your boyfriend. Good luck in future with your romance NJRunnerMom. I salute your courage and honesty too.

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@Snowman22 Good luck with your disclosure!!! Just breathe and stay confident. Hold your head high, as you have no reason to be ashamed. Honesty is respectful and kind, and she will most likely be so so appreciative of that!! 🌻 Plus, the courage it takes to talk about HSV is immense. Kudos to you and all the other humans who disclose! Hooray!! 🐱

Sending happiness your way!! 🌻🦋🌄

-- Grace

 

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On 7/12/2021 at 11:54 AM, Snowman22 said:

I'm so happy for you NJRunnerMom! I'm in a similar situation as you now before your disclosure. I've been dating a woman for the past 8 weeks and our relationship and feelings for each other have become strong. Since the relationship was moving toward intimacy, I thought I should just get a blood test.  The test revealed that I am HSV1 positive.  I've been asymptomatic so had no idea about it. I need to disclose the test result to her. I am nervous, but at least by hearing your experience, I am assured that some people are out there who are like your boyfriend. Good luck in future with your romance NJRunnerMom. I salute your courage and honesty too.

Thank you!!!  The risk was worth the reward.   It was definitely a tough conversation to have but it in fact brought us closer and we can have really deep conversations about things because of it.  Keep the faith!  You will be okay and you will find someone who will love you for you.  

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