Jump to content
  • Want to be a part of a supportive community? Join the H Opp community for free.

    Welcome to the Herpes Opportunity Support Forum! We are a supportive and positive group to help you discover and live your Opportunity. Together, we can shed the shame and embrace vulnerability and true connection. Because who you are is more important than what you have. Get your free e-book and handouts here: https://www.herpesopportunity.com/lp/ebook

  • lifestyle guides

I'm devastated


Recommended Posts

Hi, I'm Mell

On June 7, I received what I would say the most devastating news from my doctor. I was told I had Herpes 1 and 2. At this point in time I don't understand how, because I've been with my husband going on 9 years. 

(Prior history

I've known my husband since I was 15 and he was 17, our mother's are friends. Has a young adult around my early 20s we started fooling around, but nothing serious.(he was not my 1st, was in a long distance relationship had sex with him once, and I messed around with someone 1 time 2008). Around 2009 it gotten serious(with my now husband) and I was expecting my 1st child his 2nd. But we ended up going our separate ways , after our daughter was born in 2010. He entered a new relationships. I remain by myself, until we decided to make it work again 2013. Since getting back together in 2013, I have been with him and only him. I'm hoping it's the same way for him, we'll the last we questioned each other it's been we've been faithful for each other.) 

He has always accused me of cheating, because the way other guys look at me in our neighborhood, or because I didn't give him an address to where I was going. But I've never stepped out of my relationship or marriage. 

 

I remember him going to the doctor because he was feeling right down there, they did lab work and he said he tested positive for herpes 1, because he had cold sores growing up. I never thought anything about it. 

 

I was a person who gets tested on a regular, so I was in the clear, but looking at my records I recently got because my gyn doctor moved. I've been tested for every thing including HIV, but never Herpes. I had my 3rd child in 2019, I have all the test results but no Herpes results. 

Fast forward to present time, my husband left for Florida since last year November(that's the last we had sex), to get thing's situated; for us to move down there as a family. I recently visited him in Florida the weekend before his birthday, which would be May 21-24. I had a doctor's appointment scheduled for May 28 since I was over due for a checkup(because I haven't gone to doctor since May 2019, I wasn't due til 2020, but then the rona2019 happened and also I was having issues with my insurance.) So during my visit with my husband in Florida, he gave me oral sex, we had regular sex, also anal sex.. 

So after returning from my trip I went to the doctor's appointment on May 28th, I got my papsmear done, and I told her to do a blood test for everything(I've always done a blood test for everything. But I've never gotten any results about Herpes). 

So fast forward to June 7th 2021, I was driving when I got the call and she let me know I was positive for both 1 and 2. 

I'm confused on how, what, why, when. 

I tell her know, been tested before, and nothing no results like that has ever happened. Since made feel very low on top of the hurt when she said she doesn't want to hear about how many times, lve been tested. She proceeded to say, what are you going to do things like this happens. She says again go online to do some research and come in if you have a breakout.. I felt even worse, because I have no one to turn too. 

I'm so afraid to say anything to my husband, I've booked a second appointment for a different clinic for second opinion and someone to talk too.  I'm so confused hurt, afraid.

I'm sorry for it to be so long. I'm completely devastated and afraid my husband would leave me, and also accuse me of cheating. Which I never did.

Link to post

Hello ❤️

I hope you are doing okay. I am sorry for everything you are going through. Please know this isn't your fault. You are not dirty or bad. You are worthy of love and understanding. 

I want to address everything you are saying, however I actually am setting up to see family, so I do not have enough time, but I wanted to reach out and just say that everything is going to work out. You are love, worthy of love, and are loved. 

I will reply back soon!!!

Sending peace and blessings 🌄☀️🌼🍀❤️

Link to post

Hi!!

I'm back. Sorry for the delay! 

Okay, so first I want to say that it will all work out however it is meant to. In the meantime, make sure you are taking care of yourself and your children. Have faith, it will all be okay.

Second, accusing someone of cheating because someone looks at you or tries to be flirty with you is really not okay. It is accusations like that which can cause so much resentment, drama, and overall sadness and stress, which is not good for you or your children. I am sorry he accuses you. He could be jealous or possibly projecting his fear of you splitting up again. Regardless of the reason, it is not okay, though. Have you tried telling him how the accusations hurt you? 

In terms of the diagnosis for herpes 1 and 2: Did the doctor take a blood sample and see this? If so, it makes sense to have HSV-1 (since it could be orally like cold sores or genitally, too, and your husband has it .

Also, the way your doctor responded was not very gentle or compassionate. I am sorry they made you feel ignored and just 'shooed' you away. Your questions are valid and there are MANY RELIABLE resources out there-- avoid unreliable resources, as there are incorrect rumors and stereotypes about HSV 1 and 2 that are not true!! Here are some quality and medically accurate sites:

https://www.who.int/news-room/fact-sheets/detail/herpes-simplex-virus

https://herpes.org.uk/frequently-asked-questions/passing-transmitting-herpes/

https://www.cdc.gov/std/herpes/default.htm

Questions:

Main Question of Key Importance!! Are you in any danger? Are you afraid your husband will harm you and/or neglect you or your children if you tell him the test results? If so, please contact a Domestic Violence shelter for support and services if needed. 

1Does your husband have HSV-1 orally or on his genitals?

2.  Have you ever had an outbreak? If so, where on the body were they and when were the outbreaks, and have you had outbreaks since? 

3.  When you guys split up, and he entered a new relationship, it is possible that he got it from someone else and transferred it to you. 

4.  This may sound like an odd question, but did you mother have HSV-2? HSV-2 can be passed neonatal, and during birth if she was virally shedding/having an outbreak. The chances of this happening are not particularly high but I just wanted to ask. 

5. Is it possible you have had HSV-2 and have not known it? This would be odd since females typically have more outbreaks and symptoms when they have HSV-2, but you seem like you have never even had herpes symptoms. 

You are not alone! Please direct message me if you need any support. We are all here for you!

If you need domestic shelter help, please reach out for help if you need it. 

Sending you love, happiness, peace, and strength !!!!

 

  • Like 1
Link to post

Hi Flowerteacher55,

 

Thank you for taking the time to respond. I don't even know where to begin.

Everytime he accuses of cheating I let him know it hurts my feelings. That seems to doesn't stop him either way, he still continues.

I did ask for a blood test done and those where the only test results she gave me. 

My husband found out awhile back that he was positive for Herpes 1, but told me not for 2. I wasn't with him so I don't how true it is. But now I have 1 and 2. I'm so confused.

There can be possibilities that when we first broke up, and he enter other relationships he could of got it. But who knows.

This is so heart breaking, I don't even know how to handle this. I have numb myself.

1. I'm not afraid that he would anything physical to me. But I know he will blame me for cheating and say that's how I got it and leave me. I'm not sure if he would neglect his children. But as for me he will say "Yes, I knew it, I knew you were cheating and look karma came to bite you in the ass" Cause he's always letting know me karma will get me. I have cheating on him and God is my witness to that, but he will say differently.

2. From what I've see on his mouth when he had a cold sore on his mouth. I've also seen a bump or two. Or he'll complain about a bump on his pubic area, but saying it's ingrown hair. I've never thought anything about it because he shaves that area, so I'm assuming it was what he said ingrown hair. 

3. It's possible that he got it from those relationship, but we will never know. Just like for me. Being in relationship before him, but I've always used condoms in my previous years.

4. I wouldn't know about my mother's history.

5. So as for me I wouldn't even if I had it or not. What I do know is I always had ingrown hair, but now I'm confused to wonder if those where ingrown hair as well. Because I do shave. I've had bumps that hurt in the past, I considered those ingrown hair. I've could have been wrong. Now I'm confused.

Ever since a couple days coming trip, and after going to the doctor. I notice I have a bump by my anus that hurts. But I figure it's from having anal sex. But i'm not sure what it is. I'm on my cycle so I can't go to the doctor to check it out.

I'm so lost, last night we got into a little bit of an argument over the phone. And he began to accuse me of cheating again. Because I didn't tell him where I went to get my eyebrows done some months back.  So he accusing me of going out with a man and he paid for them to be done, and he claims I cheated.

In which my very good childhood friend who's a RN, started a new venture and she was learning how to do eyebrows and she asked me to be her guinea pig for the day. He and I got into an argument the night before and we weren't talking, we broke it off that night. the next day I went to her class for my eyebrows to be done free. Because I've never been to the area, where the class has taken place before in my life, I don't remember the address. So because I don't remember the address according to him I was cheating. My friend was very upset, she didn't understand why he kept calling and cursing me out infront of her asking me for the address. So because for that incident he accusing me of cheating.

Link to post

Hi!

Okay, so I want to address a few things. First, ingrown hairs and herpes sores can look the same at first, but there are a few key differences. 

INGROWN HAIRS: 

Typically will have a dark line in the center (the hair). They may be painful or not, and are often red. They can occur immediately after shaving or a few days later. Ingrown hairs would not include tingling or numbness (this is herpes prodrome syndrome that happens when the virus is shedding). Ingrown hairs often occur by themsleves. 

HERPES SORES:

Herpes sores will often occur after sex, if you are doing something with a lot of friction (even cycling can cause them to flare up!), Or if you notice you have tingling in your lower spine, buttocks, legs, or groin area. Especially for women with type 2, you may get the herpes around your period, and/or you may feel achey or feel like you have a cold. There won't be a little hair in the center, but a little dimple or sorts.  after the sore is there for a day or two, you'll notice fluid filling in the center (it will be white usually). The next stage is the yucky one; the sores often either pop by themselves or they pop from friction from clothes or just walking. They will release the inner cloud, and then crust over. And ingrown hair may also look like this if you accidentally open it, but it will most likely bleed. Herpes sores have a unique healing process where they ooze and scab over, eventually fading away and often leaving discolored skin. For me, I can tell where my sores were even when they healed because the new skin growth is lighter than the rest of the surrounding skin. 

IN TERMS OF THE BUMPS: 

you shouldn't have bumps of your anus after sex; soreness and sensitivity is common, due to the friction, but I don't think bumps are a typical post-sex body response. Do they look like either of the things mentioned above? (Herpes sores or ingrown hairs?)

IN TERMS OF THE RELATIONSHIP:

The way you describe your husband is truely a red flag. I am actually studying to be a teacher and have been certified to recognize signs of abuse and emotional abuse in children and adults. A key red flag for emotional abuse is control over a spouses whereabouts, extreme anger and accusation, and demanding to know where you are at all times. This control really seems to upset you and interfere with your social life; even your friend said she was worried for you because he kept calling. For question one you answered you weren't sure if he would neglect you or the children; this isn't a no, so obviously there is doubt about his intentions-- you deserve better! Although these things may not seem like a big deal, this control and emotional abuse really can negatively impact your wellbeing, and your wellbeing matters. You matter. 

I recommend reaching out for help, just to talk to someone and ask them for their advice and evaluation. Calling a Planned Parenthood or even a local domestic shelter is helpful (they can give advice on your herpes and relationship). Just ask them if you can talk to someone and ask them if they think the situation indicates red flags and signs of abuse and emotional control and manipulation, and what you can do to stay safe and keep your children safe. Resources are almost always confidential so if you called the shelter, they wouldn't ask who you are or anything unless you provide that information. 

However, please reach out to someone more trained to offer advice. Domestic violence shelters are amazing and they help so many women, regardless of the type of abuse or neglect. 

HOTLINE NUMBER: 1 800-799-7233

or call 911 if you need it! Don't hesitate to call. It's better to be safe and have something on the record than not to call. ❤️

This website is awesome: you can chat/type with someone and talk about the situation, or call. And, you can do your own research. https://www.thehotline.org/

Let me know how it goes!! Sending you love and strength!! ❤️❤️❤️❤️

  • Like 2
Link to post

Hi 👋Flowerteacher55,

Now that you have explained it more better for me to understand the difference between the bumps. I've experienced, some bumps that have white like fluid inside and when it comes out it's white; then turn to blood. I've been experiencing those for years, but I've always thought they were ingrown. Now I'm even more devastated to even know I could have it for years and not have known. 

I have 3 kids(he's the father for all 3), so for me cheating was never a factor.  With all three pregnancy I had c-sections. Wouldn't the test they taken during my pregnancy would have picked up on it?

As far as the relationship goes, I am confused on what to do..

Link to post

Hi Again! 

That's okay. There are so many people with herpes and many know they don't even have it! It seems to really be part of humanity. 

Oh my gosh, three children ❤️ I can't wait to have kids! I hope they are doing well! Yes I guess they don't test for STIs when you give birth, but maybe they should start! 

Maybe reach out to those you trust. Evaluate the pros and cons of the relationship, and ask yourself (and him eventually) if he wants to make it work. Marriage counseling is also wonderful-- it is very hard but I have heard it can work wonders, but only if both people really truly are willing to change for the benefit of the other and the relationship as a whole. 

However, please don't feel obligated to stay with someone who treats you poorly. My own mom was in a situation similar, and something she told me was she divorced my father so I wouldn't observe their relationship and think it was normal. Children observe their parents and this often becomes their worldview of how relationships are and should be. 

Stay strong!! We are here for you!! 🌼🌄🌈🍀☀️

  • Like 1
Link to post

Just to make a comment about the question if your mom has HSV-2.
This question does not make sense. When a child gets HSV-2 during the labor, the baby gets really really sick, with the fear to die. When the baby gets it, you will no he got it. The baby will always get sick. This you can research, it's 100% true. 

Regards,

  • Like 2
Link to post

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • HOW CAN "THE TALK" BE A DEEPLY CONNECTING EXPERIENCE?

    Using the lessons of this short e-book and two easy-reference handouts, you'll go into any disclosure conversation with confidence and optimism.

    Download free e-book + handouts

    ebook

  • COACHING: FROM SHAME TO RESILIENCY

    Get face-to-face virtual coaching from Adrial, the creator of H Opp.‍ Melt away your shame and burn it as rocket fuel for growth.

    Get 35% off a session (1st-time clients only) or Explore coaching

    ebook

×
×
  • Create New...