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Heartbroken but feeling guilty

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so I’m very new to dating w HSV1G and am a male. I was in a relationship for a few years, my ex-gf had disclosed but in time I did get it from her.

So here I am trying to navigate dating. I had been hanging out with a girl for a while (we also had dated years before) and we had a tremendous connection. Been planning trips, great energy, big attraction.  Was Imon pure cloud 9.

This was the 1st time I’ve had to disclose to someone I actually care for and  feared rejection from. So with a trip around the corner I wanted to make sure I disclosed. It didn’t go as planned but I already know how I could have created s better space to disclose. (It was after drinks, heavy making out, etc) was wanting a better time but I felt she wanted me and I didn’t want her to think I didn’t want her so I opened up.

im truly heartbroken. One big issue is a couple weeks before in the heat of the moment I did let her give me oral sex… I justified thinking 80% of population has hsv1… it’s highly likely she or anyone does…. people don’t disclose kissing w it etc… I’m in anti-viral too etc.

this was a massive mistake. We went from having a tremendous relationship to pure angry and hatred and she accused me of manipulating her… it was all thrown back in it face and she won’t even talk to me. She was so angry about me letting her give me oral.

i realize now this was terrible and unethical… but I can’t find anyone else’s candid thoughts on this type of situation and I’m wondering was it really really that terrible…. Like please tell me if that’s insanely messed up I want the truth… Sigh. I would never have had sex and not told her.

this was my biggest fear. Feeling heart broken and depressed. I really really liked this girl and now she might not ever talk to me again and knows my status too on top of that and is angry. 

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First, I am sorry you're feeling so much stress and sadness. I promise these feelings are temporary and come with the territory. There is so much we cannot control, but one thing we can control are our own actions. And this is liberating! 

However, sometimes our actions are influenced by our greatest fears, and especially with HSV, we fear rejection, not being worthy of love, or a fear of being bad, dirty, or unwanted. Please know you are not dirty. You are pure, good, whole, and deserving of love and respect. And you especially deserve love and respect from yourself. 

I am sure your intent was not to harm this girl, but it was to protect you from rejection and pain and try to keep a relationship flourishing. However, honesty is so important. When we tell people we have HSV, we are putting the ball in their court and giving them a choice, and this is THEIR choice to make, even if what they choose isn't what we want. When we rob someone of a choice, we are not being respectful to them, and we also do not get to see their true reaction, which is so important. Telling someone we have HSV often reveals their true intentions, and their ability to be compassionate and understanding.

As a fellow female, I would also feel very manipulated. Although what happened has happened, the best choice is to apologize sincerely and offer your explanation of fear of rejection. While this may not reverse the anger and hurt, it is expanding the honesty which is always good, and perhaps it can help her see you weren't trying to intentionally hurt her, but instead avoid rejection (although not justified). She will most likely need space. If she asks about transmission, you can offer reliable resources or sites (CDC, WHO, Planned Parenthood) and the general facts that GHSV-1 transmission from genital to genital is unlikely, however I am unsure about the rates of GHSV-1 for oral sex. If she feels prodrome symptoms (burning, tingling, itch near the mouth or in the mouth, etc, she should abstain from kissing others, including family, and if a sore appear she can get it swabbed. However, if you weren't experiencing sores or prodrome, it is unlikely you passed it to her, although it is hypothetically possible. Regardless, honesty is the best policy. Next time, just be honest right off the bat to prevent miscommunication, harm, and guilt. 

Most importantly besides apologizing and making the choice to be honest and disclose appropriately (while sober, explain risks, giving the person time to to think if needed, etc) prior to sexual intimacy, another key thing to do is.... Forgive yourself. You made a mistake that you really regret. Learn from the mistake and forgive yourself. 

I wish you and the girl the best!

You are not alone. We are all here to help. 

Sending prayers your way!! 🌄

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Hey there.  I'm sorry about what you're going through but coming from someone who wasn't given the choice, I would be really angry too.  I know it's hard to disclose to someone but you shouldn't have let yourself get into a situation where sexual actions could take place before having the talk.   But at this point what's done is done and you need to learn and move on from it.  Try to give her some time and then maybe try to talk to her about it and tell her how you feel.   Either way,  I wish you luck.

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Hi there, sorry for what you are going through.

From her perspective, I understand the pain & anger that she was not given the choice to make her own decisions about her health.

From your perspective I also understand the pain & fear of rejection. I also struggle with the science & behavior of others. For instance I have literally never heard anyone disclose having cold sores when they were 3 or 4 to anyone before starting to date. essentially I feel this is the same thing. Same virus, same body just above the the belt and not below. I do think in order to change the stigma - the healthcare community absolutely needs to test everyone. I think 70% of people knowing they carry the virus would change everything about the way we think of this. 

That being said once we know better, we have to do better. Don’t beat yourself up- just learn from it!

keep your head up. 


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