New to dating

[Blue1982]

Hi everyone!

female, new to dating, never had to disclose before.

visually diagnosed with GHSV about 4 years ago….swab culture came back negative and I haven’t had another outbreak since that first one.

i am waiting on IgM blood test results any day now (but just found out they’re not really accurate)

I feel like I should disclose soon to a guy I am talking to before things get intimate.

any advice or suggestions or positive experiences with disclosure? 
 

I am terrified, because you never know another persons stigma or knowledge or boundaries until you actually disclose.

 

thank you!

[Flowerteacher55]

Hi!!! ❤️

First, yay! I am so happy you are taking this step in the relationship. Honesty is amazing, and it empowers us and others. 

Talking to someone about HSV can be intimidating, because we worry they will reject us. However, we cannot control the responses of others. All we CAN control are our own actions. So, focus on your delivery and the rest will fall into place as the Universe sees fit 🍀❤️.

When disclosing, I think of it as a big recipe. Or, if you remember from English class, an educational paper, that has an intro, main idea, three key points about the main idea, and conclusion. 

First, think about the setting. Don't talk to the person if you know they are already upset about something or had a bad day at work, etc, as this could cause them to perhaps not respond in a way they normally would. Also, make sure to not disclose when there are drugs or drinking involved, or anything that would impair judgment, consent, and or overall functioning. 

Next, think about a nice intro. For example, "Hey, can I talk to you about something? I really see this relationship moving forward, and I am so happy about it, but I want to move forward on a foundation of honesty."

Now, here comes everyone's favorite part: talking about the herpes! (Lol, kidding, we all dread it). Here you can say, "I was in a relationship and I contracted HSV (1 or 2). It is something that affects me in the following ways..." 

If you don't know how you got it, you can say that as well. Regardless, what you share is up to you (if you got it from someone who was abusive, etc, you don't need to share that if it will cause emotional distress). 

Now, you can address stigmas. Here's what I would say: "Many people have HSV, and often don't know it. However, I have HSV-1 of my genitals, which has caused me to get outbreaks of sores, like cold sores but on my genitals. I have only had two small outbreaks since my first in 2019. If I get an outbreak, I take an antiviral which helps the virus stop spreading and make the sores clear up. There's a lot of stigma around herpes, but with safe sex measures and honesty, I can still have a sex life with you. However, because I care about you, I want you to know I could pass my herpes to you, even if I am not having an outbreak, but the chances are lower than if I had an active outbreak. I will know I am going to have an outbreak if I get prodrome symptoms. These are symptoms that occur before an outbreak, so during these symptoms and or an outbreak, we can abstain from sexual intimacy."

Now, I would ask them this important question: "Do you have any questions?"

Be prepared for a variety of questions. Some may sound absurd, but to someone completely unfamiliar with HSV, they may ask really odd questions. If you don't know the answer, tell them you don't know, and perhaps you can look it up together on a reliable site or ask your doctor(s). 

Finally, give them time to think. Now, some people I've been with have said "It's cool no worries sounds good" and honestly I get so happy but also I'm like "Sir do you grasp what I just said..." And often times I'll tell them again as clarification that I could give it to them.

*** If the person says they need time to think, that's OK ! It isn't rejection. It's just time. If you are uncomfortable with leaving it open ended, say, "If you need time to think about it, would you like to reconnect and talk about it this Friday (or some day soon)." 

🌈🍀Another amazing thing to do: Offer additional learning resources for quality education during their thinking time!!! The CDC, WHO, and Planned Parenthood offer helpful resources. Send them link to these, and even if they don't need thinking time, send it to them anyway. It can be helpful for them to understand what herpes it and what it is not, and build a stronger relationship!! ❤️

I really hope this helps!!! Let me know if you need anything else ❤️❤️❤️ I hope it goes well!!! 

Sending love and light your way!!! ❤️🍀🌈☀️🕊️🌼🦋

[Blue1982]

@Flowerteacher55 thank you so much for the response!!

I am really hoping that when I do disclose they will be accepting like in your experience! 
 

I know people with cold sores who never disclose but I feel like I cannot do that. Even though it’s such a hard thing to share with someone, I still feel like it’s the right thing to do.

[Flowerteacher55]

Hi!!! Omg yes totally!!

I'm so happy that helped. Also this site has a lot of awesome resources about disclosure, too!!

Full-disclosure is magical. And it's ETHICAL!! And ethics MATTER. These days so many people throw ethics down the toilet, when instead we should model the world we want to live in, and hold ethics with us wherever we go in all we do. Be part of this change! ❤️🌼🕊️☀️🦋

And also, you shouldn't feel ashamed at all about having HSV. Instead, own it! And if anything, I've always been thanked by the guy I was sharing to. Many people were surprised and thanked me for my honesty, even if they ended up choosing not to be with me. In the end, we want to be able to say we were honest. Because that is the choice you'll have to love with every day, and the choice affects others who have to live with that every day, too! 

Good luck with it!!! ❤️❤️❤️

Blessings!! 🦋☀️🕊️