When will this pain stop?!

[AshleyKristine93]

I just found out on Monday that I've contracted the herpes virus. I've never felt so scared and confused in my life.

 

I've had guns pointed in my face, I've been raped, I've been abused, and bullied. But nothing scares me more or scars me more than this. Granted I've been a bit promiscuous. But everyone I've come in contact with has been clean. I've never had a cold sore. I didn't see any differences that could have indicated they had herpes. I've never tested positive until this week. And I got tested very often.

 

I'm going through my first outbreak, and hopefully my last. The pain is so excruciating. My family doesn't know what to do, or how to help. I feel like I'm burdening them with my painful fits of crying, shaking, and convulsions. My anxiety has shot through the roof, and going to the bathroom is the most difficult part of my days. It feels like acid is forcefully being poured on my skin. No amount of Motrin will help the burning or the pain. The lidocaine only helps for about twenty minutes. Crying takes about eight hours out of my day just from the pain alone. I've done everything to make sure I'm as comfortable as possible to walk around, sit, lay down. The only time I feel kind of normal is when I'm sleeping.

 

My mother is taking this the hardest. When I come to her or call her crying. I hear the helplessness in her voice. She doesn't know what to do or what to say. It frustrates her and I hear her crying at night cause there's nothing ahe can do to help the pain I'm in. My doctor even told us he's never seen an outbreak so enflamed. Time will only tell to the healing. I'm on Acyclovir maximum dosage five times a day for ten days. My mother can notice a difference within just the two days I've been taking it. I can walk around a bit better. Sitting is becoming easier, and laying down is becoming a breeze. Because before Monday dealing with all that for three days, with doctors not being able to help, or diagnose. All of that was a mission.

 

I'm getting better at coping with the idea of at the age of twenty, I have herpes. My friends are supportive, and help me take my mind off of all the horrible thoughts that go through my head when I'm not with them. Even though this virus isn't a laughing master, I can't lose sight of who I am. I need to continue being the smart, beautiful, and comedic person that I am. Who wants to take care of everybody veggie myself. I hate that I'm so helpless, I was told I could only take stizt baths. Thankfully my best friend who is practically family is taking time out of her Buay schedule to help me bathe and wash my haor and just help out around.my home and with my family.

 

I'm tired of crying and being scared to do certain things. Because my life can't stop because of this. I'm praying everyday for things to get better. I'm glad I found this site, so I can actually talk to people who fully understand what I'm going through. And for advice on how to deal with everything. Encouragement and endurance are all I have at this point. Especially after being called every horrible thing you can think.of. and being told that I've exposed them to this. When I had no sign or symptom while I was with them. Thankfully there has been some who were understanding and decent towards me. But I don't understand how people can be so hurtful, I understand that this its a horrifying situation to be in, ans its a terrifying thing to hear. But to act like they're above me, and to act like I actually want this is absurd. I don't wish this upon anyone.. Not even upon my worst enemy. This is by far the most painful thing I have ever experienced. But like my friends keep telling me, things will only get better from here.

[misskellyrenee]

I am in a very similar boat my dear.

I am 23 and just found out on tuesday, first thing in the morning- what a wake-up call huh?

I went in on thursday for what I thought were ingrown hairs and was told that they could be Herpes and it immediately hurt. I was crushed and I couldn't stop crying. I felt like a damaged, tainted person that no one could love.

If I am being honest, it still feels that way now and again. I go through long periods of self assurance and then some moments of "Who will ever love me with this?"

The important thing to remember is that this is such a common virus. So many people have it, and if testing was routine for it, my guess is so many more people would have it. The pain comes from the fact that it is such a taboo that no one knows what it really is, so everyone just thinks it is like leprosy. In reality, it isn't much more than an irritating skin condition that pops up when you get stressed out or sick. When you get sick you take precautions to not get others sick right? Herpes is no different. You just abstain from sex during a breakout.

The part that hurts the most is the stigma. Again, this comes from people who don't know a whole lot and all you can do is try to educate them. If they don't understand it then they don't understand you. All you can be responsible for is knowing what you have, how it affects you, and how it can/will impact your future partners. You are not responsible for their reactions.

You were a worthwhile person before you got the diagnosis, and you are still a worthwhile person now. Herpes doesn't magically change that.

[Orngpeelmafia]

Some quick tips I remember from my first OB that helped with the sting of my lovely herps:

When ya gotta tinkle either run water over your parts to help dilute your pee and lessen the sting or if you think you could just pee at the end of a sitz bath (I opted for the first suggestion it soothes if it's cooler water and it helped make me feel "cleaner" which is nice when you're going through processing everything!)

 

Post pee take your blow drier set it to cool and low then from a safe distance blow everything dry...to be honest this was one of the best things I found to do. No pressure on anything that was tender and the cool air helps to dry out everything nicely giving a few lovely moments of relief.

 

Loose and Baggie sweat pants commando style will be your best friends!!!! I loved using my super huge American eagle guys sweat pants just cause I can fit one of myself in a pant leg...basically you wanna do everything you can to allow everything as much air flow as possible. You'll find it starts off feeling odd if not uncomfortable but the longer you go and the more everything dries your tears of pain will turn into tears of relief!!!!

 

 

 

Ok so you've found out...had a life shattering moment and have probably cried more in the past few days than me during any given greys anatomy marathon. Now you've found this site and probably creeped around a bit reading some stories and you can't believe that there's a way out of the dark abysmal hole you've found yourself thrown into. Well it's true there is! This forum is filled with amazing people that are overflowing with positive energy for each other to bounce off of and were all here to help each other up. It's quite amazing how supportive people here are for others considering most of us haven't met in real life. But were all here :)

[AshleyKristine93]

MissKellyRenee, its sooo true, that stigma about all this is ridiculous. They way People react is even worse. And the worst part of it, is that people who don't have it act like they know everything.

 

Orngpeelmafia, Thank you so much for the advice. But I've literally tried everything. My best method is to just wait till I can't hold it anymore And just jump right into a tub of cold water afterwards. I started out with the peeing in the tub and it wa too painful. The same with the running water over my coochie to stop the burning. No matter what I do hurts. My flesh is so tortured and scorched, that I just have to push it out when its about to come out on its own.

[misskellyrenee]

The one thing I have learned, is if you act like it's not a huge deal, then it won't be. I always explain it like its a "pain in the ass (vagina technically) thing I gotta deal with and let me just tell you the facts."

It doesn't make you dirty or weird, it just makes you part of a growing part of the population who has it.

When I got it, I did as much research as I could so that if I got a question asked to me or someone said a misconception, I would be able to correct it.

Sometimes what makes things scary is not knowing about them!

[AshleyKristine93]

Exactly!! Like my sister is handling all this the way someone who doesn't know anything about this would handle it. I'm still the same germaphobe I was before all this. If not cleaner. I was my hands even if I think its been near it, I wash them after going to the bbathroom and sitting in the tub.. We're not sure if I have it in my mouth yet, but if my hand even went in my mouth, I need a sink. And emotionally its hurting me, cause no matter what I'd be there for her. But she can't be here for ne emotionally, because she just wants to focus on herself. Its starting to upset me.

 

As for not making the virus a big deal, I'm really not, the only time I really focus on it way too much is when I have to pee. BUT I FINALLY FIGURED OUT MY METHOD WITHOUT IT BURNING!!! today was a breakthrough being able to go without screamng or crying. My mom is coming around with some tough love while supporting me now through all this. She's reading up and doing her research and kicking my ass into gear to not stress out over this. Thankfully its working.

[JVHeavenly]

I can relate to exactly how you feel. I'm 19 and found out Monday that I had herpes. It hurt. I cried. I screamed. I didn't know what to do. And that first outbreak was hoooorrrribbbblee!!!! I've told friends and they act like every time they touch me they need to sanitize their hands and my suite mates in college found out and have taken to sanitizing the toilet seat every five minutes. The stigma sucks. It's people like that that help make things worse when I'm already feeling down. :(

 

But reading this really helped me because I was lost as to how to work around that horrible burning and the blow drying trick seems really cool. I'm definitely going to have to try that one. This site is amazing. I don't know how I would ever be able to make it without you guys. :)

[Orngpeelmafia]

Aw guys I know what you mean...even as supportive as my friends were when I disclosed sometimes the way they asked questions just made me feel icky...they meant no harm and it just goes to show how little we all know before we are forced to face real facts. Silly stigmas!!!!

 

I remember being afraid to use bathrooms that weren't my own for fear of my friends asking if it was safe for me to...I was even scared to be around my nephew...I felt like a walking contagious wreck even though I knew that to not be true.

 

And as far as your mom kickin your but to get back to bein the best you you can be...help her help you...it's gonna bring you two closer together :) I told my mom the day I found out. I called her in tears and she thought I was seriously in trouble like in a car crash or near death. When I hiccuped and sobbed my way through the statement "I have herpes" she got very quiet. I immediately started apologizing for being a poor excuse for a daughter and how I know she's probably ashamed of me. You know what she said? "I will love you no matter what you are my daughter. Calm down. Come home and let's talk this out its hard over the phone" and when I got home I walked in the door and before I could get a word out she just started hugging me. I hadn't been hugged or needed a hug like that since I was small...it's strange that at twenty five I had reverted back and those hugs helped just as they always have. Your mom may be hurting but it's not because of you it's for you. She's your mom and this is something she can't protect you from...don't feel guilty...this is a wound that no amount of band aids and hugs will make go away. But things are different now and you have the power to help yourself...that doesn't mean you won't need help which is what moms are great with.

 

After hugging and letting me cry everything out my mom had her "so remember all the times I told you to be safe...I TOLD YOU SO" moment and I took it in stride. She then told me to be thankful. Life threw me a speed bump and it sucks but all this means is I need to slow down a bit. I blame my mother for me being a hopeless romantic hahaha and not once did she ever tell me to stop looking for mr right. Instead she told me to look at this as a screening process to help me find my matching puzzle piece and to help me slow down and find my self worth on my own before trying to find it with someone else. My mother is a very wise woman and I can only hope to be as strong and wise as her one day <3 yet another positive outcome of me and herpes...I'm closer with my mom now. I know I can go to her with anything...it helped to bring me back to that trust I had as a child where my mom knew all my deep dark secrets...we drifted in my teens years I distanced myself from her but now we have a bond that's growing stronger everyday.

[JVHeavenly]

I'm glad that you were able to tell you mom. I'm scared to tell my parents. Not just because of the herpes but because my parents never approved of the person i was in a relationship with (for ignorant reasons) so i never told them about it. My parents and I don't really get along that well. Yes, i would love to have that support and love from my mom but i know that she would be too focused on WHO i got it from that the fact that i have it... Maybe one day in the future I will tell her but not now.

 

And with the screening process, you're definitely right. I've told my ex and i told the other guy that I was active with. My ex handled it pretty well and is now my main support system and best friend while the other guy went off and called me all kinds of mean degrading things. It helps you to see who is going to be there and who NEEDS to be there. We don't need negative and immature people in our lives. We need people who will understand and love us regardless. Everyone deserves love and respect.

[AshleyKristine93]

For real! The people who are there for you are the dear and true. It may take sine time for others to come around, but they'll get there. My sister is taking her sweet time. She's scared just to hand me a water bottle. Or my medication. Of course I know she's acting like this because she's scared and worried about me. However her way of coping is to be cold and frantic about this.

 

The blow dryer thing works. However for me, and as ridiculous as it sounds, I like to lay on my bed with my fan blowing on my coochie xD Peeing isn't painful anymore, because when I go I'm basically doing yoga haha. DOWNWARD FACING DOG!! And now I can pat myself dry.

Thw lidocaine made it nearly impossible to go. It would burn ontop of my urine burning me. Scary business! My manager of my building told my mom that she was going to call the police because she continually heard my screams throughout the day. But luckily I've got that sitch ubder control.

 

My mom was in the room when I found out. My doctor was the nicest one I've ever come across. After dealing with the nasty emergency room.doctors and nurses, plus they didn't do anything for me, and didn't even want to look at me, and the urgent care doctor who rushed me out. My gynecologist was by far sooo sweet. He told me he was going to pray for me, and was telling me that was going tk be taken care of, even if he had to do it himself. I was soo glad that he was being as understanding as he could be. He even held my hands and said that I needed to be strong for my mom. And was cracking jokes. He was amazing!

 

 

[laur6588]

im in the same boat. im in my first OB and never been so scared. and the peeing is the worst. I literally hold it in until I cannot hold it in anymore and then let it go like you. This is the most scared I have ever been in my life. I feel like because I contracted herpes I have contracted hiv. im scared about that a lot now too. the anxiety I have is killing me. Im throwing up, not eating, shaking, clamy hands and I don't know how to deal with it. I cant even sleep im so scared. any words of advice???

 

[Juvia]

To help with the physical pain. I have very painful outbreaks, too. When I get out of the shower in the morning and before I go to bed, I put an ointment on the outbreak that was prescribed to me by my doctor (OB), I pat it dry after the shower as well. Keeping it dry will help it heal faster. I also take Acyclovir to help the outbreak fade faster.

 

On top of that my OB suggested to me that I take a supplement called Lysine to help my body's natural immunity strengthen, so it too can help me fight off the outbreak.

 

Your first outbreak is going to last the longest and be the most painful, because it is all new to your body. Eventually, you body will build up it's own resistances to it, and your outbreaks will be less severe.

 

Before the ointments, medication, and supplements, my outbreaks lasted 1 to 2 weeks, now they only last about 3 to 4 days, with much less pain.

 

About the emotional pain you are going through. Stay strong. Look at it as a challenge thrown your way. Over time you will learn how to deal with it. Also, this is something that you have, it doesn't define who you are. You are not alone and you are not a freak. You still have a whole world of opportunities ahead of you. Now, you just have to be more careful with who and how you have sex. That is all.

 

The more you know about what you have, the less chance you will have of spreading it to someone else. Although, there is always a possibility that it will happen. If you prepare yourself and your partners (share the knowledge) you have with them and take the appropriate precautions), everything will be fine. Even if things don't go as planned, that doesn't mean that it won't work out in the end.

 

Life has a funny way of giving you what you need, even if it doesn't seem like what you want at the time.

 

Social stigma about what we have doesn't make it better. Because the truth is, most people I have come across don't know anything about it. They don't know that there are two types that you can have, and all they have been exposed to about it is movies like Pineapple Express where it is joked about and shown as a dirty thing. And so, when someone finds out they have it, they often don't know much about it except for what they have seen, and all those bad connotations affect how you feel about yourself. But, you have to remind yourself, that that stigma is stemmed off of ignorance of what herpes actually is. They can joke about it because it isn't a life threatening thing. I mean getting chicken pox as an adult is more deadly than herpes.

 

I hope everything gets better for you soon.

[Sayyywhatt]

Hey girl. Iknow just how you felt with my first one. Ihad blisters in every spot possible the pain was so bad I ended up in the hospital cuz the pain was too much for me to handle. They gave me morphine wich helped but my doctor prescribed nor cos to me. Some things that helped me was taking a bath with Epsom salt 3 times a fa. This helps the blisters dry up but Islam used neosporine +pain reliever and that helped ALOT. I wouldn't wear pants or underwear at night and had a fan on low blowing into me it was a but painful buttttttt it helped it heal faster.

 

What helped me using the bathroom wasn't the water Ifound that more painful I would spread the lips 2 fingers on each lip covering it asuch as I can and going to the bathroom slowly that really helped my bathroom situation.

 

Keep your head up girly ihave had H for 1 year 2 months and 4 days. It gets better. The first 2 were the worst but idont get OB a lot now. Try not to stress and exercise a lot. One more thing be sure you get sleep.

 

[Sayyywhatt]

Also don't wear tight jeans or sweats wear loose clothing as well as underwear too it really helps the pain

 

[AshleyKristine93]

Haha I've been better for a while now. But thank you all for your advice!!!

[Sayyywhatt]

Your totally welcome. (: the outbreaks get less painful my first two were unbearable but now a year latter ihave one right now and no pain just bumps but icant get medicine till Friday and I've had it for almost 2 weeks but no pain whatsoever