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newly single..and scared - online dating with herpes?


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My boyfriend and I broke up tonight. He is the only person I have been with since I found out I had HPV and HSV2.

Typically after a relationship I give myself a few weeks to recover, and then one time I went to an online dating site. This was a long relationship so it may take months to get over, I thought he was the one. And the break up came out of nowhere, so I am pretty crushed.

What do we think about online dating being HSV2 positive? Obviously I need heal for months before I even consider dating again. BUT When that time comes I don't want to be terrified of rejection on every end. I ask about dating online only because I'm 25 and going to school in a small college town and I am not attracted to the kinds of guys who go here.

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Hi caligirl,

 

I feel your heart in this ... The bittersweet of losing something that had so much hope to it. And you will heal from this. You will find love again. First inside yourself. Then with another who deserves your heart. I promise you. STDs don't tend to hold people back who are meant to be in our lives.

 

And about online dating, sure! Date online! But don't segregate yourself to only herpes online dating. At first, you may want to use it as training wheels to get you back into the dating world, but don't stay there. It's cutting you off from 90% of people. Here's an article I wrote about this:

http://herpeslife.com/do-i-have-to-join-those-herpes-dating-sites/

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I know how it feels also, to lose a relationship that you cared so much for. I was scared to date at first, after my relationship ended with the man who passed HSV2 on to me unknowingly. However, I have dated and disclosed many times. It is important to remember that if the person you are disclosing to is meant to be in your life, then it will not matter to them...

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  • 3 months later...

Hey! I just recently posted a discussion last week titled "my success story" that relates to this. I think you should read it! Would be beneficial to you ..I would post the link but I am on my phone and not by a computer. But basically I went to online dating and I did get rejected from the first guy I thought I could potentially date which actually turned out to be a blessing in disguise because I met my current boyfriend online who accepts everything about me and is one of the kindest people I have ever met. So, even if you do get rejected, look to it as herpes actually saving you! And I think online dating is a good idea because it allows that person to get to know you...without any pressure of thinking you have to disclose right away.

 

Hope this helped! Xx

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@caligirl12

 

First, so sorry you are going through this pain. I feel ya girl. I also had a breakup years back where I though he was "the one" and it was sudden and I still can feel the pain at times when I think of how much that rocked my ego. But DO know that it will be better soon.

 

So - here's the deal. When someone "rejects" you after disclosure, it's about THEM, not about you. Look at Herpes as just another "deal breaker" for some. I personally won't date a guy who smokes or has non-adult kids (16 is probably my low number IF the kids are very mature)...I'm 52, my kids are grown and I don't want the angst of children and dealing with my partner having to be the middleman between us (that was one of the causes of said breakup I mentioned). It doesn't mean there is anything "wrong" with the smoker or the guy with kids. And I have had guys get insulted when I say I am firm about the smoking thing. But it's just MY personal boundary that I am not willing to cross. So if you can keep that kind of thinking around Herpes, it will help to deal with rejection.

 

And BTW, I just wrote a blog about using Herpes as your Wing Man, and there is a big section on rejection.... @Adrial - can we get that blog up ASAP??

 

I for one came out completely a few months back to everyone (on FB no less) and I have to say that it's been an awesome experience. One of the things I did was to actually also put a full disclosure on all my non-herpes dating profiles (OKCupid and PoFish) and so far it has not stopped guys from contacting me. In fact, I'm getting guys who love the fact that I was honest and up front about it who at least contact me and say "please explain to me what the risk is, how it affects your intimate relations", etc. Some fizzled out because the spark just didn't take off but I am meeting a guy Thursday and I'm talking to a bunch more right now.

 

So don't let Herpes get in the way of your love life. Heal from this one (and TAKE YOUR TIME! I've been hurt by 2 guys on the rebound and it's just not fun). Learn to love YOURSELF again first. Read the success stories (posting a few below) and see how they disclosed. Get comfortable with that idea before you date again. Then jump into that pool and start swimming :)

 

(((HUGS)))

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2384/successful-herpes-disclosure#Item_2 Bookworm_21

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2386/ive-been-gone-for-too-long

klopz

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2390/update-on-my-for-my-h-opp-peeps#Item_2 nic4897

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2162/a-bit-about-me-and-my-successful-herpes-disclosures

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2022/successful-herpes-disclosure-thanks-to-this-site#Item_7

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/1793/i-did-it-i-had-the-herpes-talk#Item_7

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2166/first-herpes-disclosure-tonight-so-nervous-#Item_16

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2229/self-sabotage-i-seriously-need-to-put-my-brain-on-pause-lol

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2302/disclosed-herpes-to-someone-i-didnt-even-really-know-totally-inspiration

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Also go read @Kanoa's story which includes this quote:

 

It’s a great meter for weeding out junk food guys from want-more-than-a-short-term-sex-toy guys. I actually kinda like “the talk,” because of that… it provides an opportunity to get a lot of insight into a person’s character and what they want and, depending on how it goes, to either build huge amount of trust right off the bat or part ways safely before too much was invested.

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2480/emerging-from-lurker-status-#Item_2

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  • 3 weeks later...

Yes don't hold back...I'm a 'two for one' girl too with both HPV and Herpes. I dated online and met my man...I was honest and open and he loved me. My STI's were like an insurance policy making sure I picked the right guy.

 

Adrial is right...STDs don't tend to hold people back who are meant to be in our lives. If you face a rejection let them go and wish them well...they just aren't the right one for you...and then you are making room for the right one to appear :-)

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  • 2 weeks later...

Do you tell about both at the same time, like just let it all roll out and see what happens?

Haha I don't know if that's a lot to take in!

I like the idea that they are an insurance policy it's a good way to look at it!

haha thank you for the support! :)

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