Nervous and A Little Discouraged about Disclosure

[Flowerteacher55]

Hey Everyone! 🙂 

I hope you are well well ❤️ 

I wanted to just vent on here. I met someone that is so perfect! He is so smart, motivated, and we have a lot in common. He's really sweet. The only thing that kind of makes me nervous or feel awkward is the age difference. He is two years younger than me (I'm 22. he's 20). I almost feel weird because I feel like... a bad person for having sex with someone younger and then possibly giving them herpes. Like, I mean I got herpes at 19, and it was so hard for me. I don't want to give it to him and then he has to deal with it at age 20. He's so nice and kind and I am just worried. I haven't disclosed anything yet since we are no where near intimate right now, but it's just a worry that makes me a little upset and fearful. And I feel like maybe he will think I'm a bad person or I'm too much older and am "too experienced" or something like that. I feel embarrassed and scared.

Thank you for listening! 🙂 

Blessings!

Grace  

[Guest Aria_]

Hi Grace,

You are always so helpful on here, I really hope I can be as much help to you as you are for others! 😊
It’s so great to hear that you have met someone who sounds so lovely! But I completely sympathise and understand what you’re saying. From my perspective, 2 years difference is not too much of a big issue, so please, please don’t let that little fact make you feel worse or guilty about your HSV status. If possible maybe try to view him the same as you view yourself, and leave the 2 year gap to the side? I know it might be hard, but having to disclose HSV is anxiety-inducing enough on it’s own! And as we all know (and I'm sure he would understand too) the reality of it is anyone can get it, and its not a reflection of your age or experience.

That said, I can completely understand that it might sound more confronting for a younger person, but based on how nicely you’ve described him, and how you come across yourself, I really don’t think he is going to think badly of you, your age, or experience at all 😊

I like to think of it this way: personally, if someone I really liked disclosed their HSV status to me I’d see it as such a big positive because it would show me that they must really like me as well, and that they care enough about me to be able to be so honest. Age aside.

I really hope this helps you feel a little less scared!

-Aria

[DistressedLady]

Ah that’s so exciting - and nerve racking too.  It’s such a hard conversation to have at any age but just because someone is older doesn’t mean they will respond better - trust me!

That said I honestly believed stds only happened to prostitutes or people who frequented them, until I got it from my boyfriend at 24. The thing is I know if he had told me he had it I probably would have stayed with him and just been careful. He may be more naive than you about them so it may be a little more alarming to hear but give him time and let him get his head around it. If he is a good person who truly cares about you it shouldn’t matter too much to him. 

at the end of the day we can only do our best to protect the ones we care about and I know you will always do your best to protect him. You have HSV1 right? So a much lower chance of passing it on.

How long have you known him? Is he a mature 20 year old? Have you spoken about spending more time together or being intimate? 
 

Remenber you don’t need to disclose or do anything until you’re absolutely ready so please take your time!

 

[My thoughts]

Hi Grace,

I kind of agree with @DistressedLady. You have HSV-1, as I can remember. So, what's the fear? The chances of giving it to him are super super super low, and the chances of he already having it too. You shouldn't be worried.
Maybe, you have recurrent symptoms?
Or it's the OCD making you feel bad?

[Neverwouldathought]

You are so ridiculously far from being a bad person. Facts are facts and you will do the right thing. If he is really such a nice guy he will see you for the person you are. You are awesome. Otherwise, as you would tell others, the disclosure will be your filter. It sucks that you have to feel anxious about it. Spend some time thinking about a very casual disclosure and then feel no guilt. We all know you are going to do the right thing. Truly hope it works out but if it doesn’t you will find that it happened for a reason. Not telling you anything you don’t already know though. Truly wish you the best of luck. You, unlike many, deserve good things. I would not just say that to any random person. 

[Flowerteacher55]

Hello, Friends!

Thank you, @DistressedLady for your kind words. He seems very mature so I think it will go well 🙂 As you said, I wouldn't feel pressure to disclose unless intimacy was going to occur/the relationship was headed that way. I am definitely not ready for that right now! 

@My thoughts Thank you so much for your comment. Honestly, my OCD has been terrible this week. I've had a panic attack (or more) every day this week. It's finally gotten better today. Thank you for the reminder about HSV-1. That is definitely a positive and is less likely to transmit, anyways 🙂 

@Neverwouldathought Thank you so much for your kindness! Yes, I do deserve good things! So do you! 🙂 I will start thinking about casual disclosures and give that a shot when the time comes. 

Thank you all again! I appreciate the time you all took to read and respond ❤️ 

I hope you are all well! 

Blessings,

Grace