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Struggling


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I'm in my midforties and I was diagnosed with HSV2 about 20 years ago. I was married at the time to my only sexual partner, and he refused to believe it came from him because he was asymptomatic, despite admitting that his ex-girlfriend also had the virus. We divorced in 2014 and have had a pretty amicable coparenting relationship. Recently he told me that he and his girlfriend are having a baby, and it's brought up a ton of toxic feelings that I didn't realize I had that have been keeping me up at night. I think in large part, its because my attempts at relationships have all failed once I've gotten close enough to someone to disclose that I have the virus. Of the four people I told, one ghosted me immediately, two slowly decreased communication until they cut me off completely, and one was very nice but told me he just couldn't handle it. I guess I'm angry and jealous that my ex has been able to have a number of relationships and move on with his life and I haven't, at least in this area. I'm pretty sure he's not telling anyone he's a carrier, because I still don't think he believes he is. How do I get rid of these toxic feelings and move on with my life and how can I stay positive and believe I may still find happiness? I'm at the point where I'm just avoiding all potential relationships so as not to get hurt again. 

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Hello! ❤️ 

I am so sorry to hear about your experiences. You did not deserve that at all

Remember that this is not your fault. You are not bad. You are not unworthy. You are not unlovable. 

You are good. You are worthy of love and respect. You are lovable. 

The way people treat us is a reflection of who THEY are. It does not show who YOU are. Sometimes we feel like, "I am the common factor in all these relationships, so therefore must be the problem." That is NOT true at all! It isn't you. Some people are unkind and disrespectful. They are not deserving of you. However, this doesn't mean everyone is unkind! There are good souls out there! I promise ❤️ 

In terms of letting go of the anger and resentment you have towards your ex husband... forgiveness is key. It is much easier said than done. However, I want to share a story with you.

After apartheid ended in South Africa, there was so much racism, hurt, death, destruction... and a council called the The Truth and Reconciliation Commission was created, headed by Bishop Desmond Tutu. The point of the TRC was to unite South Africa after the long history of abuse and racism. People who had seen their family members murdered, their villages burned, and their civil rights abused listened to the offenders take the stand and genuinely apologize for the deeds they done against those harmed. It was shocking. So many people FORGAVE each other... and the power of forgiveness is that it honestly doesn't eliminate blame from the offender, but it frees YOU. It isn't showing weakness. It is showing strength. It isn't ignoring the hurt, but instead recognizing its power of you and choosing to not let it hold you back.  You can read more about the TRC here: https://www.theforgivenessproject.com/stories/desmond-tutu/

I hope this helps 🙂 

Stay strong. We are here for you ❤️ Be kinder to yourself! ❤️ 

Blessings,

Grace

 

 

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  • 4 weeks later...

I’ve had hsv for 9yrs now and I totally understand your pain. I commend you for leaving your husband because I know that must’ve been scary not knowing what’s next. The person that took my virginity infected me. So I completely understand dating and having to tell them. I want to tell you that there is hope. I had to date after that relationship and I didn’t want that person to have power over me anymore. My advice with dating is get a feel for them for at least 3-4 months. Get to know them and see if you can really trust that person to tell them something that is so personal. If you can’t wait that long try a month. The person your dating will get to know you as well and may start to have feelings. By then you can trust to tell them but be prepared for their decision. It’s not always going to be a yes right away but you can assure them that you take medication and that you can still enjoy your sex life. I’ve had multiple partners before I met my bf of 5 yrs now. I only told ppl I felt needed to know. If I knew it wasn’t serious I made sure my partner used protection. Only tell who you feel needs to know. I once told someone who had sex with me then ghosted me. So you don’t need to tell if you don’t have to just make sure you are protected at all times. I hope that helped a little. Enjoy your life i know it can be hard but it’s more common than you think. 
 

 

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Hi, @Girl27

I hope you are well. Thank you much for sharing your story. I cannot even imagine the weight of the struggles you've had to overcome, and it is so awesome that you've met your boyfriend of five years ❤️!! 

Your advice is so wonderful. It is so true that building trust is essential. Patience can be so hard, especially in a society that is so 'instant' with social media and instant gratification. Realizing that we deserve respect helps us set boundaries and tell others that we want to take things slow. 

Thank you again for sharing your story and advice, as many can relate, and can feel less alone and hopeful for a happy future!!! 

Sending blessings your way 🌄!!

-- Grace

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