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Anger and shame for person who gave me it

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So I got genital herpes 2 years ago.  I also have a mild strand of HPV.

I’m not entirely sure who gave it to me but I’m pretty sure it’s either two people that I know.

I already stopped contact with them because they were very abusive and raped me.

I want to sue them but I don’t have much proof that they gave it to me as I don’t know who exactly it was.

For the past two years I’ve been very depressed and lost friends and my life became very hard.  I want to be strong and it’s slightly getting better as I am starting to accept my diagnosis.

I feel like I don’t deserve what happened to me.  Also it may be dangerous if I try to find out who gave it to me as they are dangerous men and could easily lie to me.

I trusted them with my life and safety but got burned.  

I think about how I could have just avoided them and be free of herpes.

How can I heal from this?

I might have it for the rest of my life as it is incurable for now.  But everyday I am reminded that I have it so it’s hard to forgive them.

Please give me some advice on how to cope because I have nightmares about it too. 

I know it’s not life threatening but it’s really annoying somedays.

Thanks and much love herpes community





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First, I am so sorry that you have experienced such trauma. You did not deserve that at all. You have a right to be angry. 

The healing process is different for everyone. Some people deny things, other are very sad or angry. Some people radically accept it as it is and move on. Regardless, let yourself go through the stages of healing. If you need to cry, cry. You are not weak, you are strong. You are a warrior and a survivor. 

Having HSV and HPV from people who abused you is truly terrible. I have my HSV from someone who was abusive, and it makes me feel so dirty and it reminds me of why I have it. First I was so sad, then I was so angry. I forgave myself for everything, even though I didnt have a reason to be sorry at all. It was just really nice to be able to tell myself I forgave myself. It's like, taking a step back, looking in the mirror, and seeing yourself as you truly are, treating yourself like how you would if a friend was sharing their story with you. You would be supportive, kind, hopeful, and validate their feelings. But, you would remind them that they are not cemented in victimhood. They are a warrior. They can heal, and are worthy of healing and letting go of the pain and suffering that others caused them. 

If you need to, try therapy. I am in therapy right now and it has really helped me work through things. Also, talking to a women's shelter or trauma center may help too. There are also support groups that exist for those who have faced abuse. 

Something that has helped me is tapping, an Emotional freedom Technique (EFT). It's a combination of meditation and reiki and it is really wonderful. I reccomend Brad Yates on YouTube. He has a tapping video for everything. Check it out! 

Please know that you are not dirty. You are not ugly. You are not used. You are pure. You are beautiful. You are worthy of love and healing. 

It will get easier. Forgive yourself. Give yourself permission to heal. 

We are here for you! 

Sending blessings your way 🌄

-- Grace

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Thanks for so much.  You’re right, life is not perfect and being alive is surviving and living, and being alive means you are already victorious in life.  Thank you.  I do believe it is an honor now to have herpes because it means we trusted someone with our life but even though we got a little virus, it isn’t a big deal because life goes on.  And God bless the people with HIV because they are even stronger.  No one has a perfect life.  But living each day and finding the good in everything is a step towards a wonderful life.   Bless you and I believe good has already won over evil because love wins in the end

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Yes, 100%!! God is stronger than anything we face. Something that has helped me is letting go and giving my worries to God. My therapist is actually a Christian-based therapist and something she told me to do is imagine you putting all your worries or fears into a bag, and then handing it to Jesus. Another thing my therapist told me that helps me when I think of bad memories is to say this little mantra: "That was then, this is now. That's not happening now. It's over, and I'm okay." 

Stay strong!! We are all here for you. 




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  • 2 months later...

Hi! Your post spoke to me so much. I am 99% positive I got HSV-2 from an ex (had my first outbreak 2 weeks after having sex). It will be 4 years for me in June. The diagnosis was devastating. I felt like I then I had to stay with this guy - because no one would want me (ha!).

Our relationship became even more abusive, toxic, etc. in his outbursts, he would throw this back into my face, adding more shame. We stayed together for almost 2 years.

Honestly, I think about how I could’ve avoided him and potentially not have HSV-2. He even tried to end it after our 2nd date, but I was in a bad spot and didn’t want his “attention” to go away.

But now that I ended it, I am in a much better space and HSV-2 is really a second thought. I am grateful that Valtrex and my body have worked so well together to keep it under control. Therapy helped and continues to help me feel comfortable.

My diagnosis has made me change how I approach dating. Which is something I probably needed. As angry as I am at myself and at him, at times, this is just part of me now. And I have found that working to be okay with it - definitely helps get positive responses from potential partners.

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@LJ1209 Hello!

I am so so so happy that you have overcome so much! 

Good for you for getting out of that relationship and making peace with everything. You are really an inspiration, and you are living proof that we are so much stronger than HSV, mean exes, and anything life throws at us.

You are not defined by how people treat you -- that is on them! 

Thank you for sharing your story with us! ❤️ 

Sending blessings your way!

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