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Disclosing and Long Distance

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helloooo! It has been a minute since I’ve been on here. I’ve relied heavily on this community in the past and I’m back again! 

Recently, I met a man at my friend’s wedding. I can’t even begin to explain the instant connection that we had. I am really excited about where this could go, unfortunately he is on the west coast and I’m on the east coast. 3 days after the wedding, he booked me a plane ticket to visit. I am SO excited to see him. However, disclosing is REALLY weighing on me. I feel like I can’t completely settle in to the idea of this without telling him before I fly out. I don’t want to disclose there and be stuck if it goes horribly. I was thinking maybe 5 days before the trip to tell him? A week? Thoughts? I know this is maybe not ideal, but I’ve typed out a message in my drafts as a way to disclose and then obviously ask if we can FaceTime when he has  had time to process. The logistics are really messing with me right now. I don’t even know if I can go much longer without disclosing because I need to know how he feels about it. He lives in LA and works in health care so I’m hopeful it won’t phase him but who knows. 

I have had herpes for about 6 years now and I’ve been in 2 long term relationships during that time so this is not my first disclosure rodeo but I’m still melting down because the potential of this relationship feels completely different to me. 

any advice or encouragement are welcome! Xo


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First, hooray! It is so nice that you met this person, and it's so kind that he booked a plane ticket. He definitely seems interested and invested in trying to make things work even if you live on opposite side of the country, which is wonderful. 

In terms of disclosing, it totally makes sense to feel nervous. If you think that you are going to be intimate with him during your stay, I think it would be a good idea to tell him prior to leaving. As you said, telling him in person and then being stranded there would of course not be a happy thing. However, if you plan to keep things plutonic and just friendly, then telling him isn't a really needed. 

I have disclosed to others over text because it was either long-distance or they were in the military and only could be home at certain times, since I figured it would be sad to get so invested in everything for them to be like "that's a deal breaker" and I see they aren't the type of person I want to be with. Honestly, I've learned that sometimes an early disclosure helps me see what type of person they are and their intentions. Some people have responded with kindness and acceptance and others reveal that their intentions were they only wanted to be physically intimate with me (not emotionally, which is what I want) and are judgemental and narrow-minded. 

Its great that you drafted out what to tell him when you disclose if you choose to do so. Since he works in health care, I would like to think that he is understanding of the commonness of HSV and not give into societal stigmas and worries. 

Also, since you are traveling alone and meeting this man on the other side of the country and meeting him alone, I totally reccomend giving one of your friends the location of where you'll be staying and your expected arrival home date, for safety precautions. It's always better to be on the safe side, even if you trust this guy it's really key to have a safety plan and for someone to know where you'll be and when you'll be home!! 

I hope this all helps!! 

Sending happiness and blessings your way! 🌄

-- Grace

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Thanks for your response Grace!! That’s really helpful. I prefer to disclose in person as I have in the past, but I’m hesitant in this situation. It’s really helpful to hear that you’ve done it via text with positive outcomes. I am hopeful! It’s really weighing on me and I feel like I need to get it out on the table sooner rather than later. We are already planning my second visit for the beginning of December and he’s looking for jobs in my city. I feel like I can’t settle in to this and feel comfortable until I disclose. If it’s meant to be it’s meant to be. If not, oh well. Thanks for your input! You are a gem 🙂

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